WWND?

What Would "Normal" Do?

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Something happened tonight that triggered me. I'm questioning a lot now and wondering what a "normal" person would do.

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I have a friend who I will call D. He and I have been friends for about 2 years. We met on an online dating site but we live 3,000 miles apart and have never met in person. When we first began talking on the phone, I let myself become ungrounded and we got too far ahead of ourselves. We started talking marriage, family, future.
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Several months into our friendship, D wanted to come out here to visit me and meet in person. It freaked me out a bit but I was willing to give it a shot. Shortly thereafter, we were on the phone one night and he told me that something was bothering him, he needed some time to think it through before voicing it to me. He said we could continue to talk about "surface" stuff in the meantime. I told him to take all the time he needed to think through what he needed to say but I would not engage in fluff in the interim. He could call me back when he was ready to discuss what was on his mind. It turned out to be only a day later and he had some criticism of some things I'd said. He didn't like the way I reacted to his words and he ended up hanging up on me. Called me back & hung up on me again. Later that night, he called and apologized and said it wasn't worth throwing away this friendship we'd built.
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Within another week or two, we had another disagreement and he hung up on me again. And then he left me crazy conflicting messages.....one saying he wanted me to send him back some gifts he'd sent to me because I didn't deserve them. The next saying he was sorry and couldn't we give it another chance. I didn't call him back. I felt like he'd established a pattern of immaturity at that point and I was done.
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I have a "must" & "must not" list for any future potential partners. One of the musts, and there are only six must, is that he must be able to work through conflict. Hanging up on me doesn't really indicate a good ability to work through conflict. He meets so many of the other criteria on my short, and even the long, list. But this one has always hung in my mind.
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Many months had passed when I initiated an email to D and asked him if he'd be interested in talking again, as strictly friends, no chance for more than that. He said yes and we started talking again about once a week. Slowly it's progressed to the point that we talk nearly every night. He's smart, he's funny, he's interesting. We have a great time talking. I could tell he was leaning back toward a romantic relationship and while, in words, I did not encourage it, I'm willing to accept that some of my actions said otherwise. D was again making plans to come out here in a couple months.
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I'm going to register Bianca for Kindergarten in the morning and I'm feeling some sort of way about it. D called while I was in the middle of this and I expressed my feelings about her being in a new environment and so far away from me. He just kept saying "You have to get over it, you have to get over it." That triggers me. I've spent how many years learning how to identify and feel my feelings. I've spent a lifetime "getting over it", repressing bad feelings because it makes other people more comfortable. I told him "I'm upset, I know it will be fine in the end but I'm feeling some sort of way about it right now." Again, he said "You have to get over it." I raised my voice and said "I don't have to get over it. I'm having feelings about it and I am allowed to feel my feelings!!" He paused and said "Well, I have to go eat my chips now so I guess I'll talk to you later." and he hung up on me.
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I called my friend Jennie and I did the black & white "I'm done. I'm not talking to him ever again." As I recounted the episode with Jennie and I talked about what the past 2 years have been like being his friend, I'm just not sure how to sort it out. I don't know how much is fear on my part, fear of his coming out here, of being confronted with having to make decisions about a relationship. I realize that I selfishly take what works for me out of the relationship. I enjoy the pseudo closeness....having someone to talk to every night yet it's distant enough to be safe. Am I looking for an excuse to end it before meeting and that's why I jumped all over it? And then I started taking the responsibility on myself.....well, I did raise my voice which was not the best way to handle it. Maybe it was my fault. I feel like I have no basis of "normal" and I don't know what to do. I feel completely justified in being done with him. As I talked to Jennie, she was giving me different scenarios and I kept defending my position. In the end, I was getting exasperated and I realized that I was going to keep offering up my "evidence" until I forced Jennie to agree with me. So I told her I was going to shut up and wanted her opinion, unabridged. Well, she actually did at least somewhat agree with me but neither of us have ever had a "normal" relationship so it's hard for either of us to decipher what another type of person might do in the same situation.

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I don't intend to be a doormat and accept bad behavior. I also just wonder if I will ever give a man a real chance again. As soon as I see one tiny thing that displeases me or challenges my ability to maintain control, I'm going to bolt?

An Update on My Busy Brain

As I mentioned in my last post, I often struggle with falling asleep at night due to my "busy brain" which likes to keep anxious thoughts swirling at a pace that would put the Tasmanian Devil to shame!

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I'd discussed it last week with Susan and came up with some plans to try to alleviate that. It's been working well but I knew Sunday night would be the true test. That is my worst night because I beat myself up over what I didn't accomplish over the weekend and I get myself worked up about what needs to be done at the office in the morning.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day. Bianca and I had been out all day on Saturday. From skating lessons in the morning, then a lunch get-together and outlet shopping in the evening. I have to share this because it's so funny. At the outlets, we went to 3 stores for Bianca and then I wanted to make a quick stop in one store for me on the way out. After a few minutes in that store, Bianca says "Mama, are you almost done because I don't have very much time to spend in here!" Like she's got some big plans later, or what? She cracks me up.

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I plunked Bianca in my bed with the TV on while I started what I'd intended to be some minor sorting of her new spring/summer clothes. Well, it turned into an all-out wardrobe changing. I pulled out the storage bins and started pulling out too-small clothes and the really heavy winter clothes so I could put them away. I had things layed out all over her room. Finally around 1am, I called it quits. She was still awake! We both slept in my bed until the beautiful hour of 10am! How nice! Through the day, I was able to do all the laundry, put away her clothes, do some organizing, prepared last years spring clothes for sale on Ebay, dishes, cooking & some snuggle time. I had to feel good about that!

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When I finally got into bed at night, my mind went to it's familiar place of criticism: "You didn't run the dishwasher, you left a load of laundry in the dryer, you should have done this...you didn't do that...etc." intermingled with "Make sure you wake up early, gotta do XYZ at work, need to sure you finish ABC, but not until you blah, blah, blah." With deep breathing, I was able to turn it around, praise myself for what I did get done and remind myself that I had plenty of time in the morning to begin planning what needed to be done at work. I was successful and I slept solid through the night. Yay!!

I'd Like To Introduce Myself

.....to me.
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I saw Susan tonight. We talked about some potential (positive) changes coming with my job and, in turn, some anxiety that is causing me because of impending change & uncertainties.
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I've mentioned in a few posts that I'm having trouble falling asleep at night. I have what I call "busy brain" which is really just anxiety run amok. I told Susan that I plan to request another Xanax prescription from my Dr in case I need it for bad nights. Of course, that really has to be for emergencies and just a back up plan. The real remedy is for me to learn how to manage my anxieties. Breathing of course is a huge part of that. Grounded breathing. Why do I always need to be reminded of that when I know it already? It's instinctual when I try to comfort someone else.....the first thing I say "Take a deep breath. Relax. Breathe."
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We discussed how I focus my attention outward. I spend my days being a manager, my mornings and evenings being a Mom. I am running around in a hundred directions because I'm never "nailed down" anywhere. I'm not grounded. I'm focused outside of myself, always. Susan reminded me to use my grounded breathing even during other tasks, that it begins to become a buffer and will keep me centered in the midst of chaos. She suggested leaving small reminders for myself everywhere.....the car, my office, the bathroom mirror, etc until it becomes habit.
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Susan commented that it's no wonder I can't sleep at night since I never have down time. I jumped to correct her statement by telling her that I *do* have down time most nights. As I said it, a realization hit me. My down time is only physical. I may sit and do something on the computer or watch a show but while I do that, I eat. Eating/bingeing is something I do to emotionally dissociate. I stay physically tense and emotionally disconnected until.......until I get into bed. And then I'm alone with my thoughts with no barrier, no distraction. I'm as anxious as if I were in a room full of strangers. Because, in essense, I am. I never spend time really alone with myself, introspecting, getting in touch with my thoughts, memories, fears. I don't know myself in this way. In fact, I go to great lengths to avoid this connection with my own mind.
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So as of tonight, I'm on a mission to spend time relaxing.....relaxing in body and in mind.....and getting to know myself again. I think I/"we" have some catching up to do.

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***Update: Last night, as I sat on the couch writing this, I was so relaxed that I nearly felt like I was melding into the cushions. As I finished up my entry, I was quite tired. I went up to bed and was able to manage the few thoughts that came into my mind. I think that because I took care of my thoughts before climbing into bed, I had nothing lingering to be anxious about. I fell, and stayed, asleep.

This Disgusts Me

**Possible Trigger Warning**

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I'm sure everyone remembers the case that broke almost a year ago about the Austrian man who had imprisoned his daughter in the basement for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her. The case is in court right now. I was reading an article about the hearing and some of the possible charges and sentences were mentioned.

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Fritzl could spend the rest of his life in prison if convicted of homicide. He faces up to 20 years behind bars if found guilty of enslavement, up to 15 for a rape conviction, and one year for an incest conviction.
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What the hell?? ONE YEAR for incest? For 24 years of repeatedly raping and impregnating your own daughter? Yeah......that's justice, alright. When his daughter and all her children are, in essence, "imprisoned" for the rest of their lives for what he did. I'm glad he has other charges against him so that he'll stay in prison for the rest of his life. But hearing that the penalty for incest is only one year absolutely makes me want to vomit.

The Uncanny Wisdom of a 4 Year Old

It was a busy morning in our house. I've been struggling with a migraine for a few days and I also seem to be developing some sort of insomnia issue. So I overslept this morning and when I got up, it was run....run....run! Quick shower, trying to get myself & Bianca ready. She had ice skating lessons this AM so I was double-dressing her, packing her bag, trying to grab something she could eat in the car. I ran to Starbucks before class.....it's therapeutic, lol. The caffeine helps with the headache. From lessons, we had to run home to change and grab something for lunch, again that we could eat in the car. Rush, rush, rush to get out the door & get to my hair appointment on time.
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I finally got in the car after the whirlwind and I said, rhetorically, to Bianca "Don't you ever get tired of feeling like we're running all the time?"
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My brilliant pre-schooler said "Nope. I just slow down so I can breathe."
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How did she get so wise??

Facing Fear

Bianca started ice skating lessons last weekend. She's been asking to learn ice skating for almost a year. So finally I signed her up for a tot class, ages 3-5, no experience. Last week was the first lesson and it was horrible. She was so excited til we got there and people started arriving. She began withdrawing and said she wanted to go home. When it was her turn to get on the ice, she was having no part of it. She dropped down to the ground, cried, said she didn't want to do it. Said she wanted to go home. I was beside myself. I asked her to explain to me why she didn't want to go on the ice. She wouldn't answer me. I know it was just fear of something new. I told her that I understood she was afraid but I was not taking her home. I told her she was getting out on the ice, that it was something she's been asking for and I expected her to try it. One of her teachers took her out onto the ice at my request. Teacher skated her out a little and then tried to get Bianca to get up on her own. No way. Bianca sat on her rear end on the ice and scooted back to the doorway. I told her that I expect her to finish out these classes. If she doesn't like skating at the end of the 10 lessons, then she never has to go back. But told her I will *not* allow her to quit without trying it.

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When we left I was pretty upset, angry, flustered. All of the above. I felt humiliated that my child was the only one not going out there. And I felt sad for her that she could miss out on fun activities out of fear. Shortly after we left last week, she told me she'd had fun. Umm? Okaaaaay. Susan, my T, later explained this to me. Bianca was in a fantasy world about what skating would be like. When we got to the class, reality struck. After we left class, she went back to the fantasy! SoI told her that I was glad she had fun (as I grumbled to myself!) and got her all pumped up to go again the following week.

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Enter following week, this past Saturday. She was not quite as excited to go as she was the week before. I'd prepared myself for the worst. I took her a little early so that she could run around in the skates (BTW, I've decided that if the sport were "carpet skating", she'd be on her way to the Olympics) and I could maybe get her on the ice before her class arrived. It worked! She didn't go far but I did get her to stand and shuffle on the ice a bit. Once her class arrived, she was hesitant but I encouraged her and off she went. She stayed pretty close to one of the teachers most of the lesson but there were several times she was teetering out there all by herself. I cried with joy and pride. I'm so proud of her for doing something she was afraid to try. And she had so much fun! I was clapping and making all kinds of ridiculous cheerleading gestures from behind the glass to show her how proud I was. Then she'd take a few steps and turn around to give me this plump, purple-mittened, thumbs-up! Too cute.

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When she came off the ice, I picked her up and swung her around. I loved her up, hugging and praising her all over the place. I'd told her I would buy her a pack of bubblegum if she went out on the ice at this lesson. Well, I also ended up taking her out and bought her pink ice skates! So she's been telling everyone how she ice skated all by herself! I say "tell so-&-so what you got!" What does she say? "GUM!" How about the skates, sister???? "Oh yeah, and pink ice skates, too!"

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In any case, I can learn alot from my own advice to her and from her courage. Sometimes facing a fear can be debilitating until you just make up your mind to go for it. And then how freeing it can be!

May I Take Your Order?

There was a time when I didn't want to go to my counseling appointments unless I was having a huge issue. I was missing that whole "onion" analogy, peeling away the layers and all. Eventually it became the topic of discussion at one of my sessions where I felt uncomfortable being there since I had no emergency. As is generally the case now, the sessions where I go without an agenda are often some of the best ones I have. At that particular appointment, Susan pointed out that I have a need to exist in crisis mode. I'm not comfortable "being". This is why I've always worked well under pressure or deadline. That was a couple years ago and I've made some progress.

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Last night, I went to counseling without a real agenda. We just start talking and eventually something comes up. We spent some time discussing our last session, because it was a really good one and I'm still mulling over what we talked about. I discussed my stress, particularly at work, where I am so overwhelmed that I can't seem to accomplish anything at all. I told her how I look at all these piles and notes and tasks all over my desk and I can't even make a decision what to do next so I end up doing something completely unproductive to my job (like blogging).

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I have so many different aspects to my job at this point and they are completely in conflict with each other. Where one main function of my job requires blocks of uninterrupted time to complete tasks, another part of it requires me to drop what I'm doing and jump on the spot. There is so much hanging over my head that I find it difficult to make a decision about what to do next because I'm always waiting for the........*lightbulb moment*......the crisis. Ooooooohhhh. I'm existing in crisis mode at work. I'm feeling immobilized to take control because I'm waiting for the emergency. I'm waiting for someone else to tell me what to do, for external forces to determine my next course of action. And, in return, I feel controlled and resentful even though I set myself up for this.

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Somewhere in here, I need to find my empowerment to take control. Feeling good about getting something accomplished needs to become my motivation instead of only being motivated to serve or please someone else. This holds true at work and at home. I need to know that I am worthy of feeling good about what I'm doing and that actually CAN and should be all the motivation I require. I'm in a Catch 22 of cluttered space = cluttered mind. We talked about a plan I'm putting in place already for home tasks. I broke down big projects into manageable small blocks of time. This way it's not so overwhelming and I can be satisfied by getting a small job done. Somehow I need to now parlay this same type of plan into my work life.

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Today I'm focusing on my Sign of Saturn tattoo. I got it to signify empowerment. My power and taking control of it. I'm going to actively work on changing my mindset to one of being in charge, of clearing out the clutter, of determination to make a difference and actively making my own choices about what to work on. I don't need to take orders from others because that pushes me back down to the life I led as a child. I'm done living that way.

Silence

I was driving to work yesterday and happened to be behind a car with a bumper sticker that caught my attention. It said:

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Your Silence Will Not Protect You
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There was a name underneath but I could not make it out. The poor driver probably thought I was being an incredibly rude tail-gater but I really wanted to see the author's name. I never did make it out.

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I came to work and I typed the phrase into my web browser. What a goldmine! I have never before heard of Audre Lorde but she has an incredible repertoire of quotes, poems and books. She is a self described "black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet." What a brave and amazing woman. Born in 1934, she was nearsighted to the point of legal blindness. A black lesbian in the 50's yet she attended college, earning her Masters degree and spoke openly for gay rights, feminism, politically active for anti-war and civil rights. How have I never heard of this remarkable woman?

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While these may be taken out of context, I still found many of her quotes resonating with me, as a survivor who is still struggling to find the "real me", the point of all I experienced, my voice and a life free of my fears and inhibitions.

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"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't.

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I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side.

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Every woman I have ever loved has left her print upon me, where I loved some invaluable piece of myself apart from me--so different that I had to stretch and grow in order to recognize her. And in that growing, we came to separation, that place where work begins.

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If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.
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We are powerful because we have survived.
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The energies I gain from my work help me neutralize those implanted forces of negativity and self-destructiveness that is White America's way of making sure I keep whatever is powerful and creative within me unavailable, ineffective, and non-threatening.
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I have come to believe, over and over again, that what is important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

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When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.

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Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge”

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Her words are so empowering to me. I think the timing was more than coincidence. Right place, right time. I've been kicking around some thoughts, some realizations, about this cyclical pattern I've created where drama begets drama and I can't.....no, make that I *won't* get out of my own way. It's a way for me to rationalize staying "stuck" and not having to deal with change. But this quote, I realize that if I wait until I am no longer afraid to act, write, speak, be, I'll be sending messages on a Ouija board, cryptic complaints from the other side, reminds me that I cannot allow my fear to stop me from pursuing more. It reminds me that I have a life to live here and I need to sieze it. Quit hiding from it.