"What's the word?"
"Any progress?"
"I need to make a conference call at 3, will it be fixed by then?"
"I have a client waiting for a proposal, is this almost fixed?"
"How's it going?"
"What's the problem?"
"Why is it taking so long?"
Etc Etc Etc
It took about 90 minutes and I finally got it fixed. I am super thankful I wore pants yesterday because the process of finding the problem involved a great deal of crawling under desks, standing on chairs and following wiring splits through the ceiling tiles. On top of that issue, it's been really crazy at work. For the past two days, I've had a single task as my goal. That task has five components and should take about two hours to complete. After two solid days, I've yet to complete the first of the five components. On top of that, I am staring down the face of an IT audit and the project of completely revamping my entire server setup by end of year. To say that I am overwhelmed is a vast understatement.
I left here feeling very drained. Happy to be headed to acupuncture which is generally extremely relaxing for me. Except my phone started ringing on the drive home and I answered to find one of my co-workers in a panic about a serious issue. It WAS serious and so I had to do some hustling and finagling to be able to assist her from the road.
I got Bianca and we headed over to the acupuncture center. We took a break from acu last spring and are just recently back to treatments. Since we left they made a complete overhaul of staff and also they have taken to burning some sort of substance, similar to incense, that is supposed to have beneficial properties. I greatly dislike this smell. It's herbal and, to me, reminiscent of marajuana. I have disliked it with a growing intensity since day one. I complain about it regularly. Yesterday, it was making me downright angry. I was already in a stressed out state. I've had a rough week with B's father drama, my confusing feelings for J and a demanding afternoon at work. By the time I was laying on the table, I was flat out hostile. Why should I be subjected to a smell I find so offensive?? Why am I paying all this money to be in an environment where I can't relax because I am assaulted by this horrid smell?
I am extremely sensitive and receptive to acupuncture. I can tell when my body energy is out of balance once he places the needles and, although I am laying perfectly straight and still, I feel like more like this:
And also like I am spinning at the same time. It's unnerving. So the room was spinning, I felt disjointed and contorted. The Dr said he was going to apply an oil of something....I wish I could remember what this stuff is called but I recognized the name of the oil as the same stuff they were burning. I said "NO! Absolutely not!" The Dr asked why and I said "That smell is so ungodly offensive!" The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then. We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit. I started crying immediately, there was a huge rush of emotions. This has happened to me before in acupuncture. It forces a relaxation on me and all the emotions I've been holding back come flooding out. That smell.....it was really bothering me, burning my throat, making me feel like I could not breathe and I started having a panic attack. I calmed down once, then it resurfaced. I calmed down again and it came back once more. I got up and flipped out, I opened the door and was hyperventilating loudly. Staff came running. I was crying, pulling my needles out. Couldn't answer their questions, couldn't breathe, couldn't say what I needed, couldn't move. Paralyzed in every way. Complete panic.
Something was triggered here and I can't figure out exactly what. It originated with that smell but I don't know....is it evoking a memory?? Was it the feeling that I could not breathe? Was it the rush of emotions that I wasn't prepared for or was it the simple fact that I feel discounted and not heard when I complain about somethig I find interolerable? His attitude, and the staff attitude, about my objection is pacifying and dismissive. It's insulting and I think I am being triggered in post-abuse feelings.....we know you are experiencing something you don't want but we're going to ignore your objection and expect you to just accept it. Yes, we hear your concerns. Smile & nod. It's good for you, there are health benefits to the burning. You will accept it, you have no choice. We know better what you need. When you tell us you can't tolerate it we will promptly dismiss and ignore you.
I imagine it was a combination of all the factors and I simply do not know how I'm going to handle it come my next appointment. I managed to squeak out that something about the smell was triggering an emotional reaction. We'll see if they do anything about that. I don't know what to expect....I'm not sure I feel worthy enough to think they should change their practice for my comfort.
Adding to the fun of my night, like insult to injury....as soon as I left the office, there was a gigantic green bug on my car door. I tried to swish it away and it flew into my face. And then when we got home I discovered that Bianca had done something that she and I have discussed in the past and I warned her about severe consequences should she do it again. I decided to table the consequences since I was so angry that I was afraid I would take it out on her in the process. So I put her to bed and got drunk. It seemed like a reasonable solution at the time.
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