This Is A Test

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
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All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
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The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
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While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
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In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
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Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
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Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
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This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

You Deserve......

I let alot of things roll off my back these days. I try not to soapbox TOO much, particularly when it comes to citing societal woes. But there has been a repetitive message lately in media that is really irking me. It's the "You Deserve" message.

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I have heard it on the radio:

"...get the lifestyle you deserve."

"...logon to our site for the free gas you deserve."

"...the opportunities you deserve."

"...call now for the free laptop you deserve."

"...because you deserve a stress free life...."

"...the banks are getting it, so call now for the bailout that YOU deserve!"

Or in email:

"Get what you deserve of the government stimulus package"

"You deserve to be debt-free!"

(this one is my favorite) "Get the better breasts that you deserve!"

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Entitlement.

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It's so ugly. It's such a displaced idea. Why does anyone "deserve" all these things? And why do we need to continually reinforce the idea that people "deserve" all these great things for nothing? Why do you deserve to be debt free if you've run up all your credit cards and spent irresponsibly beyond your means? Why do you deserve a stress free life when everyone else is stressed? What have you done to deserve that? And better breasts??? Jeeez-Louise!!! Why put the idea in my head that a) there is anything wrong with the ones I've got and b) that I was somehow shortchanged and now I am OWED better than what God gave me!!?!?!

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Perhaps it makes me angry because I have worked for "things" and I'm perfectly happy with what I have. If I want something, I know I have to plan and find a way to make it happen. I don't think I just deserve to have it just because. Call me crazy or tell me I'm going too far but I think these messages contribute to delinquency and even to crime. I mean what is theft and robbery if not the ultimate declaration of entitlement? You have something I want and I'm taking it from you.

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Perhaps it makes me angry because I think it clouds over the simple things that I believe people, children, are actually deserving of.....Love. Protection. Security. Guidance. The things that set them up to become strong, decent, confident adults and send them into the world with head high and priorities straight.

Soapbox

Okay, I usually stay pretty much on topic but I need to rant for a moment.
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Question:
What is this a photo of?
Answer:
A) A 10 year old boy cross dresser with severe scoliosis?
or
B) A model for plus size clothing?

They are equally ludicrous, right?? But the answer is...........
B!!

As a woman who shops plus size, I'm appalled by these models.

(Are elbows really supposed to turn out in that direction??)

(Somebody call Ralph Lauren....they won't have to photoshop this chick....)

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Really? All the beautiful women in the world and this is what they choose? Does plus size = stupid? Heck yeah, I'm buyin' that blue shirt in size 6XL so I, too, can appear to have a 16 inch waist!! WooHoo, bring on the Pringles and Twinkies!!! :o)

On The Cusp

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

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I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

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An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

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I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

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I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

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Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

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Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

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It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Look In The Mirror

I had to admit to alot tonight. And it kinda sucked. Okay...it really sucked. But I'm glad to know I can be honest with myself when it's really difficult.
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I had a phone session with Susan (T) to discuss the prior post and all my confusing feelings about the situation with JH. Susan asked me what I expected when I made these plans with him and I told her that I expected he would keep his plans with us but, if he found he had to cancel, I expected he would let me know and maybe even take the next step to tell Bianca himself. Susan said that my expectations here were reasonable and JH demonstrated that he could not get out of his own way in this situation. Perhaps he was being naive and didn't think through what the court date would mean to his ability to keep his plans. Clearly he handled it badly in communicating to me what was going on. She said maybe he was even trying to "avoid disappointing" us by not coming out and saying "I can't make it." Man thinking, I guess.
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In any case, I talked about Bianca's disappointment and her emotions and how hard it was for me to help her through that. I was angry at him for bringing this into her world that day. "Hey," Susan says....."first of all, disappointment is a human experience and no one can be protected from it. Second, it's YOUR job to think about Bianca's feelings." Ouch. Susan went on to say that she can't speak for what Bianca is feeling but it's important for ME to work through what I am feeling. What AM I feeling? I don't know what is old and what is new. Susan asked did I feel young when feeling those feelings? If you feel young, the feelings are old. Yes, part of me did feel very young, crushed, dismissed, unimportant. Another part of me just felt "Mama Bear" angry and the rest of me felt stupid for setting this up to begin with.
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She goes on to say "JH is not her father. He's not YOUR father. He's just a man who had a bad day." The issue was not so much he couldn't go but how he went about it. And there has been this huge expectation backloaded into the mix because of the role "assigned" to him, to be her Godfather. But this is a role and title he ASKED for. Here's what it breaks down to....because of the lack of a father figure, giving him this role now symbolizes something huge. And that gives it enormous power. I want it too much. I need to accept what is. Accepting what is for her really starts with accepting what is for me. JH can't do what he thought he could do and I've now created an inconsistency for her with him. He can't be this powerful emotional presence in her life. He's my friend who visits sometimes. I was not realistic. I didn't keep myself grounded in this. My expectations are so high for anyone involved with her. I feel like a complete and total ass for believing this would work out how I wanted. It seems the harder I try to fill this spot in her life, the more I teach her that people can't be counted on. I've done that to her. That's on me. There is a big trust/distrust issue that comes into play for me anytime a man is involved. Old stuff.
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I said to Susan "I see this VOID in her life but the truth is it's MY void and I feel responsible to fill it for her." I guess I don't believe I'm enough for her? You know, I chose this path willingly but naively. I chose to bring her into this world a single Mom. I heard her bio-father's words that he was not going to be involved. Somehow in the back of my head I thought either he would come around or I'd find someone else to be a father for her while she was still a baby. Yes, I chose single motherhood but with a completely unrealistic and idealistic expectation for the future. For someone who has been kicked around as much as I have, I sure have some high-ass, Pollyanna, happy-ending optimism, don't I? I am struggling in accepting what is because it's not what I'd planned. Susan said to me "You have to believe she's going to be okay." Ouch again....I realize now that I *don't* believe she's going to be okay. Because I'm not okay. But by holding onto that, I will make SURE she is not okay. At the very least, I just need to accept that she will have a missing piece but I can't feel guilty for wanting to give her life even though it's not "Perfect". Focus on the joy. I'm dwelling in the pain, it's my pain, not hers but I'm going to project it onto her. Susan says you have to feel it but move through it. Come back to present moment.
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I said it's so hard for me to navigate conversations with Bianca when she talks about missing her Daddy or wishing she had a dad or a grandfather. Susan suggested I just say "I understand" and then distract her. I hate doing that because I don't want to seem dismissive. She said it's okay to validate and move on. I help her work through it by not dwelling on it with her. She gave me a couple more suggestions but said this is too heavy a topic for me and I should not engage with Bianca in a discussion unless it's absolutely necessary and driven by her. Even then, if she's struggling, I should have her see a therapist. (The following exchange was serious, but lighthearted....as I look back on it, I see where it could come across as harsh if I don't explain that. I was laughing and crying at the same time while talking to her.)
Susan said "You have to stay out of her emotional current! Get on dry land....stay out of it! She's not a 'project' for crying out loud!!" She told me to let her live her life and quit seeing the deficit.
I said "But when I look at her, I see ME."
She said "Then quit looking at her and go look in the mirror for heaven's sake!!!"
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Phew....that was an emotionally packed hour. The more I try to make her life "perfect", the worse I screw it up for her. Why can't I just let it be and let her enjoy her life?? By my actions, I keep telling her she's missing something. I tell her I'm not enough; we are not enough. When will I learn my lesson? When will I accept in my heart that things are just as they were meant to be and we have everything we need?? When will I leave my hurts in the past where they belong and quit dragging them into her little world? I feel like such a failure right now. And I can only plead that "Love makes you stupid"....apparently that is true for non-romantic love as well. I love that child so much and I just want her to be happy. But I'm working too hard to make it happen and losing sight of the fact that we have all we need already. I've sure put alot of energy into making a mess of things.

??????????

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

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I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

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About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

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The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
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I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

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Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

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And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
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I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
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I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.

Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
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What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
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I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
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I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
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After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
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On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
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I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.