Can anyone else understand a survivor?

There are days I feel I'm so on course, healing, strong, close to healthy. And then, there are days like today when I feel so horribly, horribly broken. I don't know where to begin as I sit here just letting my fingers fly over the keys. It started with the incident at choir last night (prior post) and I thought I did so awesome in figuring things out. And then I had a conversation with my BFF and now I'm left feeling confused and crazy. And I wonder....among many other things....can anyone else understand an abuse survivor? Can anyone not living with PTSD understand how it warps and ties experiences together whether they seem relevant to an outsider? Can someone with no reference point of abuse begin to comprehend what comes along with the aftermath? The intense shame and self doubt that permeate areas of our lives? Or....am I using that as an excuse because I don't want to hear the things she's saying to me?

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My BFF, Jennie, has been my friend for 27 years now. I am a year older than she and it was always sortof a big sis/lil sis type of dynamic. She came to me, the wise older sister. She talked, I listened. She asked, I advised. She cried, I comforted. I never talked about me. When we met I was 13 years old and just at the tail end of the sexual abuse, still mired in physical and emotional abuse from my father, abusive neglect from my mother and feeling entirely confused, wrong, ashamed, unsure. As we've grown up, we've had some parallels and even go to the same therapist. She was never abused but we've shared some of the same insecurity issues, codependency issues. We laugh about our polar opposite upbringings and yet, still some similar problems. Jennie has made great strides in the past couple years and she's pretty healthy right now. There was a time when our relationship only existed in a codependent form. I needed her to need me. It gave me an outlet to sink my energy so that I didn't have to deal with my own emotions.....I was too busy getting caught up in hers. Now all that has changed and I'm happy but I find myself feeling anxiety, unfamiliar, *gulp* vulnerable.

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In my past I've twisted vulnerability around to try to make it work for me. I didn't bother to evaluate if a person was worthy of my opening up to them. I did it, with men, to portray myself in a certain way...the victim, the damsel in distress...feel sorry for me, love me, save me. And inevitably it ended badly which confirmed my suspicions about opening up to people. It only serves to hurt me. So I find myself in this unique situation with Jennie where there is reward in the risk of opening up (after 27 years!). I can prove that vulnerability can be safe. I can deepen our friendship, make it more reciprocal. Yet I find myself on edge when I talk to her....afraid to show my "weakness", afraid to no longer be the "older, wiser", afraid to drop the facade of having it all together, being able to handle things myself. I find myself irritated with some of the things she says to me. Sometimes b/c I feel like she doesn't get it and other times because I clearly see she DOES get it! I don't always take advice well, especially if I've not asked for it. Yet, there are two people I trust to give me advice and it never seems to ruffle me....one is my therapist and the other is a (mostly) online friend, who also happens to be a survivor. (I'm lookin' at you, Enola!)

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And then I begin to question.....is Jennie just not the right person for me to talk to? And I hate that thought b/c she is my BFF and she knows me so well and I want her to be that person. I love her to death, I trust her implicitly. Do I now criticize the advice she's given me b/c it made me angry and overstepped a line for me? Do I need to school her on PTSD? Am I being way too hyper about it? Am I just getting used to how this works? Or does she have an intrinsic inability to comprehend the way things filter in a survivors brain? Or am I hiding behind that?

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Somehow all of these thoughts swirled in my head for an hour as I drove to pick up Bianca at camp and I was throwing into the mix that I'm a bad friend, too sensitive, haven't made any progress, stupid, crazy, disorganized, can't do anything right, etc etc etc etc. My mind would not stay focused on any one thing that made any sense. It was simply a barrage of negative self talk that would not cease.

Silenced, again.

I had choir rehearsal tonight. I sing in a small group that I love. I've been in it for seven years now and, when I began, I was very quiet and shy. That has changed over the past few years and I've really come into my own as a singer.

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We're preparing for our most significant performance; it's coming up in two weeks. Last week, we were solidifying our song list and "Amazing Grace" was suggested with a solo verse going to me. Yeah! Love it!! We rehearsed it, it was lovely. I've been practicing it all week, trying to get my breathing and phrasing *just* right.

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Tonight, I get to rehearsal and the song list is written & printed, copies for everyone. I glance it over. Hmmm....let me look that over again. This one, that one, this song, dat da da daa......Amazing Grace is not on the list. ? No one said anything to me about it. Just took it right out. Well, I stewed about it and didn't say anything. Later in the evening, someone else asked "Hey what happened to Amazing Grace?" and I just stood there, hands on hips, waiting.... The guy who makes the schedule doesn't even make eye contact with me, just says he wanted a different song. Oh....YOU wanted?? There are 11 other people in this group. He's not the director, he IS someone I love dearly and has been like a father to me for 27 years so this is hard for me. But I'm pissed. He hoards the spotlight in the choir and doesn't like to give others the opportunity to shine. I want to shine. Dammit, I *deserve* to shine!

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So I'm stewing away at choir and starting to lose it. At any moment, I'm either going to burst into tears or I'm going to rip into someone. Or maybe both. So I grab my stuff and just run out. Driving home (a long drive, thankfully), I'm ruminating on what happened. I'm running the gamut of emotions and holy crap, I need to pull over!! I'm steaming about the situation with my "dad"..."sure he never writes himself & his songs out of a schedule. Can't he share the spotlight?. It took me sooo many years to find my voice & now he's silencing me." *lightbulb* And there is the trigger that makes this sooo huge for me. It took me so many years to find my "voice" in life....to talk about my abuse, what happened to me, to open up and people wanted me to keep quiet. That is why the disproportionate emotional response. I feel silenced, trivialized and unvalued. Aaaahhhh. I love a good epiphany.

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And a side note to the previous "Silenced" post....I emailed my mother tonight and told her in no uncertain terms, she is never to talk about my brother with me again. More on that later, most likely, as I anticipate some sort of response from her which undoubtedly will piss me off in some way. :o)

Silenced

It's been five months since an incident with my Mom sent my head reeling. The backstory is here. It took me some time (and therapy) but I was able to claim back the good feelings I had about being validated and I also came up with a plan. I prepared myself for the next time my Mom would mention my brother (an abuser) and what I would say to her.

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My mom babysits once a week when I have choir rehearsal. When I get home, Bianca is asleep and it's pretty much the only time she and I talk. I expected any reference to my brother would come at this time and I was on edge, waiting, rehearsed, prepared. For weeks and months. And it never came.

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Here we are now, nearly six months later and she decides to bring him up today while she's with me and my daughter. I don't want to have this conversation in front of my daughter and, of course, it's been so long that I don't even remember what I was supposed to say!! I felt a knot in my stomach....I felt silenced, like I'd been so many times for so many years. So I sat there in my stunned silence, my head reeling once again....do I blurt something out just to seize the opportune moment? Am I losing my chance? I felt a small sense of failure because I'd previously felt so amped up to put her in her place and now it was all gone. No wind in the sails! But in the end, I decided I needed to think it through and also, I did not want to say my peace in front of Bianca.

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So now I sit here trying to recall what I wanted to say then, trying to figure out what I want to say now. Damn her for catching me off guard!!

Negating Childrens Feelings

I've been reading this book called "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"

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My daughter, Bianca, will be 6 next month and the struggles that occur between us can be monumental. I wanted a better way to communicate. She is so much like me and we often clash because we both want to be in control. Well I'm the Mom so I need to be in control! But that doesn't mean I need to squash her thoughts and feelings in the process.

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The main thrust of the book is simple. Validate your child's feelings. Don't excuse or negate their feelings with statements like "You don't really feel that way.", "You're just saying that because you're tired.", "There's no reason to be so upset." In our grown up world, we *wish* our biggest problem was that "Billy made a face at me" or "Lauren wouldn't sit next to me at lunch" so it's easy for us to brush it off. But to kids, it's a big deal and they need to know we understand and accept their feelings.

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It was funny, on Sunday, we were leaving a pool party and Bianca was exhausted, did not want to get out of the pool, did not want to leave and she was crying. All the other grownups were telling her "you're okay, you had such a fun day, you'll be back soon, oh you're just tired, don't be sad, don't cry, etc..." I just let her cry & told her I understand you feel sad, it's hard to leave when you've had so much fun. I just let her work it through and kept validating her and, within a few minutes, she was done crying and we were laughing and being silly.

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More importantly, when they are sad, angry or frustrated, we have to help them label those feelings that they may not understand and, without jumping in to solve their problem, give them the opportunity to feel their feelings and talk things out on their own. Help them to trust their own feelings. Give them the tools to work through bad experiences. I know, as parents, we just want to make things all better ASAP! But that desire to step in and "solve" the problem may do more harm than good in the long run. Now I'm brand new at this so I don't have many examples of how it's worked for me yet but I hope to update later on with my success stories.

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But the point of this post is what it's brought up for me. As abuse survivors, we've likely had our fears, feelings and experiences negated more than the average child. Not only did the abuse mess us up but the disbelief or failure to act on the part of our caregivers caused us to doubt our own experiences and feelings. No wonder so many of us have a hard time expressing and trusting our emotions!

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I have a seriously hard time feeling my feelings. And an even harder time talking about them. When I do talk about them, there is this laundry list of expectations of how I want the person listening to respond. If you get it wrong.....bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! You're out. I'm not likely to confide in you again! Well, I certainly realized how unrealistic this was. Who could live up to that? It became a self fulfilling prophecy that I could not trust anyone to help me. I'm genuinely uncomfortable with people who give me the "look on the bright side" approach because I feel dismissed. And I realized that is because of my mother. She cannot tolerate unhappiness or discomfort in any way and she turns into a whirling dervish of sunshine trying to dispel the negative feelings. The biggest example I saw of this in my own life was my nightmares. When we moved to CT, I was 10 and my brother (abuser) was 12. It had been going on for many years already but this was the point that it began to escalate in severity. I had such horrible nightmares, so terrifying that my screams would not even make a sound. When my panic finally came down to a level that I could scream, my mother would come into my room. Never asking what the dream was, never empathizing that dreams could feel real and be scary. Just telling me to go back to bed, nothing is wrong, everything is fine, think about butterflies, kittens & ballerinas. No room for bad things here, let's just pretend none of this ever happened. Push all those fears down, down, down (where you can deal with them in therapy 20 years later.....) Only talk to me about rainbows, lollipops and unicorns. Because that's much more helpful. Because that was all she could deal with. And I was left feeling like my fears were "wrong", unfounded, unimportant, something to stuff down and not talk about. Ever.

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Now I see why I'm such a freak about talking about my problems as well as talking myself out of my problems ie: getting ready to reach out to talk to a friend and then I say to myself "oh this isn't so bad, it's not a big deal, I don't want to bother so&so with this stupid stuff, I can work through it myself. Sure....because my problems were never given credibility. No one gave me permission to feel sad or angry or scared. I refuse to do that to my daughter anymore and I'm really excited to see how this process will develop.

Wow....

Has it really been almost 3 months since I've posted??? Wow.
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We were on vacation last week and I had every intention of posting while away. But, as it turned out, there was a freak heatwave. With the temp inside the house reaching upward of 90 degrees, I didn't feel like doing much other than a cold shower and trying to sleep with numerous fans pointed at me. Despite the heat, we had a great week. Vacation with a 5 year old is never relaxing. There was much running around, arcade, amusement park, boat rides, day at the beach. I got together with an old friend which was wonderful.
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I am still doing acupuncture once a week. We're focusing on balancing out my body energy and reducing the food addiction. It's working amazingly well. Where I used to estimate my urge (on a scale of 1 - 10) about a 9, it's now at about a 3. The hard part is that while acupuncture is causing the physical addiction to diminish, it does not address the emotional desire to binge. Food was my way to disconnect from myself, to escape. It's been my comfort, my companion. Now what happens is that my mind still desires that disconnect. It wants the comfort and draws me to the familiar outlet of eating but my mind is now engaged in the process. I'm not disconnected. This is good....this is progress. This also sucks when I really do want to disconnect!! I know it's "healthy" to be connected and it's what I've worked for in therapy. But who can deny the peace that sometimes comes with a nice, mindless dissociation? Right??!?!
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Recently, in therapy, I asked my T what she thought about hypnotism. I think I mentioned it here before. Ah yes, here. I had contacted someone about it. T tells me that hypnosis can be helpful in a variety of situations. She warned me about the "age regression" technique and that it can be potentially traumatizing. She does not recommend it for me. She asked me what I hope to gain through hypnosis. I told her that I wanted it to help diconnect me from the desire to binge. She said that tapping would accomplish the same thing.
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Now, she and I have talked about tapping (info about it here) many, many times. I've tried it on occasion. I believe in it but, for some reason, I cannot seem to commit to it. I asked her, rhetorically, "Why am I so resistant to the tapping?" Her reasonable reply...."I don't know. Why are you so resistant to the tapping?" I sat with this question for a moment when the answer came to me. Like acupuncture, hypnosis is a "passive" activity. It's something someone else does to, or for, me. Tapping is active. It's all on me. It requires my participation, my commitment, my effort. And, if it fails, then I perceive that *I* have failed. That's my resistance. I don't want to be to blame for something failing.
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That appointment was several weeks ago. T and I spoke at length about different tapping techniques, different times to use them, the most effective statements for me to focus on. I think about it daily but I've not done it yet. As of today, I created a journal with all my tapping statements and instructions as well as a section to keep track of what is happening with me when the urge to binge hits me. I post this here in an effort to follow through with my plan and be accountable to give this a serious try. And if it doesn't work then it's just not the answer for me. It doesn't make ME a failure. (let's see how many times I have to say that til I actually believe it....)

Me and My Shadow

The other day, I happend to be poking around on Facebook. I check every so often to see if Bianca's bio-father is on Facebook. He hasn't been. Until now. I suddenly found myself enmeshed in link upon link to his wife, his step daughter, his son and his son's mother. As I looked and read, I was struck with the desire to start causing trouble. Who should I message? Who should I mess with? Should I reach out to his son and let him know he has another half sister? Or make up a pretend Facebook profile to trap him or make friends with his wife?

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Ultimately, I reigned all those desires in and closed out of all the profiles. I did it for two reasons. #1 I didn't want to waste my energy on something so negative and #2 I knew that no good would come of it. Still the thoughts pop into my head and I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I had those intentions in the first place.

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So I asked Susan, my T, what this is all about. Shadow, she says. It's your shadow.

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In Jungian psychology, the shadow or "shadow aspect" is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. "Everyone carries a shadow," Jung wrote, "and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." It may be (in part) one's link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind. According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections are unrecognized "The projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object--if it has one--or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power." These projections insulate and cripple individuals by forming an ever thicker fog of illusion between the ego and the real world.

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There have been times, many times really, in the past where I've had a desire to do something cruel or destructive to another person and, though I've known it was not the right thing to do, I felt powerless to stop myself from following through. The fact that, this time, I did not do what I daydreamed about is progress. And the fact I recognized and questioned it is healing. It was nice to hear my T say that this is a part of every person. And, as Jung says, the more embodied it is, the blacker it is. So bringing this darker aspect of myself into the light of consciousness, the here and now of reality, is literally enlightening.

Triggered and Confused

Where do I start? I have a situation going on at work that is sucking the life out of me. There is a man who works here who is difficult and demanding to put it mildly. We've had our run in's before...we're both wielding stubborn Irish tempers so we can clash in a big way. Lately, in the past few months, I find myself unable to even tolerate the sound of his voice without cringing and feeling anger rush over me.

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On Monday, we had a disagreement about something he wanted me to do for him. I questioned him on why he needed this particular thing and he got right up in my face with his finger and seethed "Let me tell you something. The day I have to explain myself to you is the day I'm out of here. You got that?" It was meant to be intimidating. At the moment, I reacted to it numbly and just went back to work. But as I continued to mull things over through the day, I had an epiphany. This man has been abusive and harassing for years and that is the root of my angry, defensive feelings anytime he is near me. I, along with everyone else in the office, have excused it by saying "oh that's just how he is" but that feeds into his bahavior as he's learned he can get what he wants and no one will stop him. When I try to stop him, he takes it up a level and stomps his little temper-tantrum feet until someone basically says "Oh just do what he wants to make him go away." I've had it with that.

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Since that realization, I've run the gamut of emotions. I've been outraged, depressed, numb and mostly just confused. I have a boss who is non-confrontational to the extreme. He doesn't say what needs to be said in difficult situations. He tries to ride the fence and keep everyone happy which doesn't work. I mean, I suppose there are times I benefit from that because I've certainly made some mistakes or been known to run my mouth off. But I see where his management style has really come to cause me detriment in my job. Yet I protect him fiercely with my words, I've noticed. Particularly now. I find myself saying "I love boss and I hate to put this on his plate.." or "Boss is such a great guy and I hate to put him in this position....." Why do I feel this way? I've referenced before how authority figures have tied into father figures in my mind. Am I protecting my coveted image of him as a "good dad"? Because he's NOT my dad and I've worked on making that disconnect so now I'm wondering what this is all about. He has been a good boss in positive ways....he's easy going, he's family friendly, he gives me alot of latitude, he's ethical, he's generous. Yet, the majority of my frustrations here have come down to the fact that he won't sternly discipline poor behavior or job performance. Is this who I want to work for? I'm not sure anymore but I can't deny I have got it GOOD here in ways that matter to my life. And do I want to start from scratch right now, in this economy? Not really. So what does that mean? Shut my mouth and just work?

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At my last job, my principles cost me my job. I was all high & mighty about what I did vs what others in my department did and, in the end, they rallied together and sabotaged me. Though my boss knew exactly what the truth was, he looked at the many vs the one and let me go. He made the easy choice. Human nature, I suppose. He did later admit that he made a mistake but it was too late. When that happened, I lost all sense of job security because that boss and I were pretty tight and I never in a million years thought that could happen. I will not make that assumption ever again. And I promised myself in my next job, I'd keep my mouth shut and my nose to the grindstone. Well, that lasted a few years here until I really settled in, felt comfortable and developed an open rapport with this boss. Now I find myself in this position of being "the spokesperson". People in the office talk to me. They tell me their problems/frustrations. None of my peers feel comfortable sharing their frustrations with boss. So when I hear rumblings around the office, I will advise boss if I feel it's big enough to cause a potential problem. Maybe I need to quit doing that but I always think that a boss should know when things are going awry so he has the opportunity to deal with it before it's out of control.

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Now, I've had a handful of conflicts while here and I keep coming back to that. Is it me? Why am I the one who always seems to be on one end of all these problems? Is it because I have too high expectations? Is it because I'm a bitch that people can't get along with? Is it because I'm the only idiot who can't shake it off and let it go? And...now that I've been involved in a few issues, are my complaints even going to hold weight? Is he going to be sick of me and just fire me?

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I've done some research on workplace threats, harassment and bullying. I came across this quote: One of bullying's greatest tragedies is that the best and brightest, not the weakest, are selected for targethood. You posed a threat somehow to a person who is not fully developed as a moral human being. He or she may possess skills, but the only important ones involve manipulation and control of other people and the game of political sabotage at work. The fact that bullies are threatened speaks volumes about them, not about you.

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Well, by no means do I feel I'm the "best & brightest" and in fact, I often feel I'm a stupid, useless fraud who has no right to be in the position I am. (Old messages) So does that mean I'm the one acting out because I feel threatened? And then I think no....I did not bring this on myself. I see what this man did to me and, although we were in the midst of a 2 sided, heated conversation, he had no right to speak to me like that. I have the right to expect to feel safe and protected at work. Right? I don't know anymore. Legally, not so much. I mean, the quote above, let's face it, has application to abuse as well. It's about manipulation. It's about the perpetrators own shortcomings. Does my past abuse make me unable to keep perspective in the workplace with people like this? Am I being hypervigilant and making mountains out of molehiles because confronting a workplace bully somehow is feeding an old desire to confront my abusers? Do I keep my mouth shut now.....now, when I feel like I've really been violated? Am I now the girl who cries wolf and this most serious of offenses will now be minimized because it came from the mouth of the troublemaker? I am so confused.

Updates

Update to my previous post about how Acupuncture is helping with my addiction. I mentioned that, by two days later, my cravings and urges to binge returned. I've still been wrestling with it since then however, I've come to notice something. I am able to tap into a level of consciousness that was not previously there. For instance, one of the aspects of a binge is that I dissociate from my actions during. Now, I'm noticing that I'm not entirely dissociated. I'm actually now questioning myself before or during a binge..."What am I doing?", "What am I feeling?", "Why do I want to do this right now?". The other night, it was around 11pm and I was about to heat something up to eat. I paused, I took a deep breath. I said to myself "I don't need this. There is NO physical hunger in my body right now." I put the food away and I was fine with that. That, in itself, is significant in my world. I go back tonight for another treatment. I'm going to talk to my Acu Doc about upping my treatments to twice a week for now. Acupuncture builds on itself in terms of healing so if I wait too long between treatments at this stage, it's like starting from square one each visit. I'm afraid that last weeks result set the bar SO high that I'll be disappointed with anything less so I'm just trying to stay grounded and remember slow, gradual progress is okay, too.
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Update #2. On Bosses and Fathers. Background post here. I saw my T on Saturday. A lot has gone on for me at work in the past couple months between admitting how much I'd been slacking, resolving to focus more on my job then getting sick and being out for 3 weeks during which time the poop hit the fan with the mistake I'd made. Then a new woman started working here who seriously has/had it in for me and I was forced to really evaluate what I want to do and letting go of some of my control issues as well as my desire to do it ALL. So going back to what happened when I screwed up at work (totally my own fault and totally preventable) and how upset I was over losing my bosses approval....I said to Susan (my T) how odd it was that I was not approving of my own behavior and performance in the office. So even though I was disappointed in myself, somehow I was still desperately seeking and expecting HIS approval. I thought maybe I was setting up some negative attention getting? Then Susan said "you were looking for him to rescue you....no, you were seeking his *unconditional* love." So somehow I was wanting him to love and approve of me even though I was failing him miserably. Oh how that struck a chord. I feel like I've hit a really good place and I'm making a break from the fatherly feelings around him. I've also realized that when I'm proud of the job I'm doing, all of a sudden the bosses approval isn't so important to me. Because I know when I'm doing a good job, he has no reason to be unhappy with me.
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Finally, an update on the child support issue, background post here. I called the state agency for an update last week and learned that I've been getting less child support because there is another support order against Bianca's bio-father. So this means one of two things. Either #1 he's gotten yet another woman pregnant and has another new baby or #2 his wife finally divorced him and filed for support of their daughter. I hope, for his sake, it's #2 because frankly if it IS #1...then #2 should be shortly forthcoming!! Either way, I'm giving myself more kudos for managing to stay grounded and take this information as nothing more than....well, information. It's not tied to anything, it's not triggering any of my father issues or bringing up feelings of failure, wishes for a different situation. It simply is what it is. As I said to Susan, I'm not going to give it any more energy than it deserves (which is essentially none!) but oh how I'd love to be a fly on the wall of his life for a minute!! Way to really, really screw things up for yourself and a handful of kids, too!

Promising

I've been going to Acupuncture for almost 6 months now. Last month, I had a re-evaluation that showed a 55% overall improvement in my symptoms since I started. We've worked mainly on stress relief, chronic pain, management of anxiety. I'm happy to report I'm more relaxed, I sleep better and I'm weaning off my anxiety medication.
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We have talked about working on my eating disorder but hadn't really started treating it until last week. My eating disorder is actually a food addiction. My Dr. did his internship at an inner city hospital treating Meth & Heroin addicts with acupuncture. With success. So last week, we decided it was time to make this the primary focus of my appointments. The addiction points are in the ears as you may have gathered from the pic. So last week, he did 6 points in my ears. Interesting sensation. The day he did it, I didn't feel any difference in my cravings. The following two days, they felt somewhat reduced. I went back on Monday of this week. He did 8 ear points. I could tell something serious was going on in my body from how I felt as I lay there. I felt as if my body was curled backwards in a circle, almost like I was laying over a big medicine ball. Those disjointed feelings always indicate that the flow of energy has been out of whack. The result was so radical, I am still shocked.
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Let me back up to a typical night with this food addict.... Generally, Bianca and I eat dinner together, I put her to bed and then the binging begins. But even before the binge, I'm setting it up in my head. If there are leftovers from dinner I leave them sitting out on the kitchen counter. While I'm in the kitchen, I'm mentally and visually scanning what will be part of the night binge. My mind is fully occupied with this. If there are leftovers that are getting old, I know they will need to be eaten because I can't possibly let them go to waste. Waste is a huge thing for me with food. (Long complex explanation but basically I attach human qualities to food and it pains me to "reject" it by throwing it away.) After Bianca is in bed, I go back downstairs and immediately immerse myself in the binge. Starting with the leftovers if there are any. Followed by whatever else I'd planned or I find as I go through my routine. I continue until I feel "done" which is an ambiguous feeling. "Done" can mean I just feel like I've had enough...something hit "the spot" or I just plain feel sick. It may mean I can't seem to fill the emptiness so I give up and go to bed. It can mean it's late and I know I need to get some sleep. It could be that I'm overcome by disgust and remorse. Whatever the case, "done" is generally unpleasant.
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Now let me tell you about Monday night, after Acupuncture. Bianca and I stopped for Chinese take out because it was really late and I knew I would not have time to cook the meal I planned. Chinese is something I never save leftovers of because it does not reheat well, IMHO! So normally, I would leave it out and consume it after B is in bed. Instead, this night, I ate most of what was on my plate and I felt pleasantly sated. Bianca finished and I threw everything leftover in the garbage. Including the heinously irresistable little fried dough pillows from heaven that are rolled in sugar and melt in your mouth. Right in the garbage, no second thought. As I cleaned up from dinner and threw away the leftovers, I had no thoughts of food. There was no scanning, scheming, planning for what was next. There was not a care of food. Before I went to bed, I had a small sugar free popsicle while I was using the computer. There was no need, no urgency, no addictive behavior associated with it. It was a full 180 experience for me. And one I loved. I felt so free of the prison of addictive thoughts and behavior. I can only hope this is what's in store for me as I continue the acupuncture treatment.
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I didn't expect it to last since we're just at the beginning stages. Yesterday was not as good as Monday but not as bad as my typical behavior. Today, I feel the real urges coming back. I'm okay with that, though. Like I said, I didn't expect it to "stick" yet. I've only had 2 treatments for a problem that's plagued me for a lifetime. But it's a promising start.

Denial

As they say, it ain't just a river in Egypt.

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This is a continuation of the prior post about my Mom. Last night she came over for dinner and I decided to bring up the fact that she had my brother spend the night. I just wanted to find out where her head is about him. After what happened over the summer (the link to the backstory in my prior post), I wanted to know how she went from there to here.

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Well, it was about as disappointing as could possibly be. After Bianca went to bed, I told her I was surprised about Jeff staying at her house. She said oh it was only for a night because he'd had some big blowup with his girlfriend. She went on to say she's so excited for him getting this cute little place of his own. I said well, I just mean after all the stuff that happened over the summer, I was surprised. I asked her where she was with all that. She thought I meant about him cheating on his wife and started saying how that was bad. I said no, that's not what I mean. I mean the big epiphany you had about what kind of person he is...where are you with that? She said well, I'm not sure he's always telling the 100% truth. And I think what he did (meaning to his wife) was awful. He didn't even say he felt bad about that or anything. She totally changed the focus to that situation. And then she said "Do I think people can change?" and trailed off after that. I waited a second and then said firmly "I don't know, DO you think people can change?" And then she went to wash my dishes and didn't answer me. (She cleans when she's upset or nervous)
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As she did that, I sat with my laptop playing a game and trying to hold back tears. I realized that when she had that big epiphany over the summer, I felt validated in what my experience of my brother has been for 40 years. And now I feel she's forgotten that and taken it away from me. When she told me about her revelation, she said how sorry she was that she didn't see it before because she began to acknowledge all the pain he'd put me through and how her inability to see him clearly contributed to that. I didn't realize until later (you know, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep because I could not stop thinking about this....), that when she recognized my brother for what he is, for the very first time in my life, I felt like she met me in reality. She has lived in the denial bubble for so long. And her coming to grips with the truth knocked down a wall that has existed between us for years. Now she's back in her bubble and I feel like I need to put that wall up again.

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The fact that she was stuck on the cheating on his wife situation, which frankly I could not give a rat's rear about, reminded me how when I told her about the abuse she could only acknowledge what my father did, never able to face any fact about what my brother did. She has selective hearing or memory when it comes to this.

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"Hey Mom....brother abused me."

"Yes, your father was horrible to you."

"No Mom, brother raped me."

"I'm so sorry your father was such a monster..."

{{Insert banging head against wall here}}

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It's like giving your support to someone who decides to leave an abusive relationship, helping them make sense of it, giving of yourself to help them cope with it and then they decide screw it....I'm going back to the SOB, conveniently forgetting all the reasons they left in the first place. And I'm standing here thinking WTF just happened? What was that all about? And how the hell, after having so much evidence shoved in your face that you could no longer deny that brother is nothing but a manipulative liar, do you manage to put it all back out of your head? Like it never even happened? I guess she's just found the way to retreat back to her bubble where it's safe and comfy. I can't say that there are days I don't miss "safe & comfy" in the land of denial but I'll take reality, no matter how much it sucks, anyway.

What Does This Mean To Me?

The backstory for this post is here.
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It's funny as I read that prior post myself....I see I ended it by saying "I'm not sure what to think about it yet." And here with the latest twist in the story, I'm in the exact same place. I'm not sure what to think about it.
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In fact, I'm not sure I ever really processed the incidents of the prior post on an emotional level. I'm not sure there was anything even there to process? That sounds wrong....I have to think there WAS. In any case.... I called my Mom on Saturday AM to ask her a baking question. I'm a good cook but Mom's my guru! She sounded distracted so I asked her was she busy? "No," she says "your brother spent the night and *waaah*waaah*waaah*waaah*" (Insert sound of Charlie Brown's teacher here because it's all I heard after that)
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Huh?? I managed to gather a couple things in my haze. Something about changing apartments and had nowhere to stay for a night so she had him stay with her. She sounded all bubbly about some changes in his life and I was just silent. "Okay, thanks for the baking advice....talk to you later."
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Now, I was skeptical when she said it was the end of all contact with him before. And I know she's seen him a few times since that all happened. I don't know...this was different. All that talk about everything out of his mouth being BS and he's nothing but a manipulative, pathological liar and now he's a houseguest? I called my friend Jennie after I got off the phone with my Mom...I just wanted to talk it out. Jennie responded with some thoughts about my mother and why she did what she did. Correct thoughts. Hey, I know my Mom better than anyone and it's not hard to figure out why she did it. In fact, I don't really care at the moment. What I'm concerned about it what it means to ME. How do I feel about it?
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In the end, I think I just feel a little confused. I mean, I'd accepted that my mother was never going to see my brother for who and what he was and I was able to move past that and love her for who she was in spite of it. That all happened before her revelation. So why now do I feel like this should change something? Do I feel betrayed? No, I don't. I think maybe it's disappointment? Hmmm...as I sit here with my thoughts, I actually think I feel threatened. I am feeling like I need to protect myself from involvement with my Mom if she's going to be close with my brother again and forget what he really is. Even though I was able to accept her relationship with him before, I think I've let my guard down bit by bit and let her closer to me since her realization about my brother. You'd think I'd be more in touch with the feeling of needing to protect myself....I've lived with it forever.

Authority Figures

I've been at my job for almost five years now. I enjoy a good relationship with my boss, the owner. For a while now, I'll admit I've had a rough time staying focused on my job. Part of it is the job itself, feeling overwhelmed at times by the myriad of responsibilities I have or feeling pulled in different directions by conflicting projects. More of the problem, however, is me and how I deal with these stressful situations. I put my head in the sand and I engage in totally unproductive things like Facebook or blogging. It's a snowball effect.....when I'm behind, I turn a blind eye which makes me more behind and then I really can't deal with it at all.

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A couple posts ago, I mentioned that I finally gathered my focus and decided to stop goofing off at work. I need to be responsible to my job. I got through one incredibly productive day of that before health issues threw me a curve ball. At that time, it came to light that I'd made a mistake on a very important account. Like, a close personal friend of the bosses. And he got involved. I was beside myself. I felt shamed, depressed, stupid, guilty, exposed, worthless. Boss was definitely not pleased with what happened. And I have to deal with the ramifications of what I did.

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Feeling guilty was probably justified. But I was hysterical...crying, fearful for my job. I was so wrapped up in reading into every word he did, or did not, say to me for the rest of the week. Mind you, I was home and so any correspondence we had was through email. *Gasp* I can just "hear" his disgusted tone in this email. He hates me. *Gasp* He hasn't asked me how I'm feeling! He has no more use for me. I've fallen from favor and things will never be the same. I've disappointed him. He has realized I'm a fraud and I'm a lousy employee. I deserve his disdain. I am no good.

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Old messages. Old tapes. Old feelings. Authority figures tie into father issues for me. At least, authority figures whose opinions I value. (Which is funny because I really believe I don't at all care about my father's opinion of me...) And I really value this bosses confidence in me. So I was crushed when I felt I'd let him down. I was every bit as concerned with that as I was with my actual poor job performance. But the emotional reaction to the situation with my boss was extreme. So extreme that it was easy to recognize I was triggered in old feelings.

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I went back to work last Monday. My office is off the side of the lobby so you can kindof see me when entering though the front door. Boss came in and walked right by my office without a glance or a word. I was an emotional wreck. He hates me, he hates me!!! I emailed him shortly thereafter to let him know all loose ends of the previous mistake had been wrapped up and it was put to bed. I took the opportunity to apologize for what had happened. He replied and said there was no need to apologize, mistakes happen all the time, asked how I was feeling and when I'd be back in the office!?! How crazy I got thinking he was ignoring me when he walked in.....he just didn't even realize I was there!! So I went down to his office and his same old smile to see me and the look & words of concern about me coming back too soon told me that all this drama was self created.

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It also tells me that I still have old messages to overcome and still have father issues unresolved. Time to get back in with my T, I think.

Yes, Seriously....

Was I really complaining about a cold and conjunctivitis? Yes, I was. Ahh, perspective. So two days after that post, I felt like maybe I was coming down with bronchitis. And the morning after that, I was in the hospital with 103 fever and bilateral pneumonia!! They kept me in the ER for about 7 hours through 2 rounds of motrin to bring the fever down, IV antibiotics and IV hydration. My blood pressure was about 100/50 because I was so dehydrated from the fever. I had 3 breathing treatments and was still only at 50% lung capacity. My low pulse oxygen was setting off the monitor alarms. I was fortunate that my Mom was able to bring me to the ER (still wrapped in the blankets from my couch because I had such severe chills!) and then she was able to go pick up Bianca from after school care. She also spent the night at my house and did my shopping and cooking. Good thing because those first few days, I was one with my couch.
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How the heck did this happen?? I've never had pneumonia before and hope to never get it again. It has been miserable. I was out of work for almost 2 weeks and even now, I'm still not at full capacity. Apparently there is a pneumonia vaccine and I'm first in line for that next year! I'm also at a point that I need to find a way to get more sleep and take better care of myself. I know that is the #1 culprit of how I get sick so easily. So that's where I'm at right now. Forced into slowing down and seeing the benefit of it!

And I say, again, Seriously????

So I made a decision this week to stay off Yahoo, Facebook, Blog, etc during the day so that I could focus on nothing but work. I'm behind and need to get some things done. I swear my body is allergic to organization!! I went to bed at 9:30 last night which is insanely early for me. Wake up at 3am with horrific pain in my eye. Hmmm....I've been here before....
I've got the viral conjunctivitis again....the one that requires isolation and takes 2-4 weeks to resolve. I'm in the office to gather my things and then I'm headed to the doctor then home. I think it's hilarious, for lack of a better word, that the circumstances are so similar to the last time. At least this time I didn't have a migraine, too. (Hope I didn't just jinx myself!!)

Open the Barn

So I've been ruminating an idea for a while. One that seems a little unconventional. And one I'm almost embarassed to admit to.
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Hypnosis
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I know nothing about it really. I heard an ad on the radio a couple months back for a center in my state. It's not terribly close to me but I have been pondering calling them. I looked up their website on the internet and I was intrigued. I bookmarked it and tucked it away in my head.
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With the new year here, it's time to start focusing on some goals again and dealing with my food issues is front & center in my mind. I went to check out the bookmarked website and wouldn't you know it? The site was temporarily unavailable. I tried a different search just to see if I could get the phone# for the center. What came up instead? A woman right here in my town with 25 years experience, loads of testimonials, even some from compulsive eaters/food addicts, like myself. Her site says she can help with (among other things) weight, cravings, anxiety, stress, motivation, concentration, migraines, abuse issues, self esteem.
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I decided to call her, expecting an answering machine but she answered the phone. She shared her history with me and how she got into this field. It was quite interesting! She told me that hypnosis is nothing more than the acceptance of suggestions. Traditional hypnosis is done by direct suggestion. "You will no longer want to binge." She said "this is like mowing the lawn to get rid of the weeds. The seed, the root, is still below the surface." She is specially trained to use an age regression technique, a deeper work to get rid of the "root". She said I will always be fully aware and fully in control. She can't make me say or do anything that I would not normally do in real life.
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The subconscious thinks it's bringing us comfort. It kicks in to protect us when it senses anything that it identifies as a potential threat to our physical or emotional self. It is ageless, timeless, does not know "right" or "wrong" and it loves repetition. It cannot be reasoned with through the conscious mind. I know where my food issues began. I was taught to soothe with food and, even though it no longer serves me, it's now my learned behavior even when I don't want it. She said "you can't undo life but you can undo emotions." She said "We were never taught what to DO with all those emotions and how to handle them in a productive and healthy way. So what I will do with you is open the barn door and start shoveling manure until we hit cement!" (I *love* that statement!!)
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I got a really, really good vibe from her. She told me she usually takes 4-6 sessions with someone. After 4, she will know if it's going to be effective. She's not even 10 minutes away from me at work but each session is 2 hours. I should be able to swing that for 4-6 weeks (once a week). So I made an appointment for a free consultation with her next week to talk more in depth about what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm very interested. I don't know if it will work for me but I feel like I've hit a plateau with therapy. I mean...I LOVE my T, don't get me wrong. But I still feel "stuck" in this same place as far as my eating disorder is concerned and I wonder if maybe this may help me by addressing it in a different way. In fact, I feel very stuck in my conscious mind...I try to intellectualize the problem. I try to reason with it. I can't make that transition to the subconscious, probably one of the reasons that inner child work is near impossible for me. She told me that during hypnosis, senses are enhanced 3-4,000 times what they normally are. I feel like this is worth a try for me and I hope I gain some positive benefit.

Forgiveness

I just love it when something unexpected happens and it gives me a new perspective.

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Forgiveness is something I struggle with. I don't really understand it. Intellectually, I get the concept but I intertwine it with condoning and that makes it difficult for me to grasp.

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We've all heard that forgiveness is not for the other person but rather to free ourselves. I didn't really get that until the other day when some bonehead was tailgating me. I think I'm getting old as I find that impatient (or just plain stupid) drivers really get on my nerves. Where does tailgating get you? Does it get you to your destination faster? How does it really pay off? I get angry and I become spiteful. I slow down sometimes just under the speed limit. I make sure to come to a full, 3 second stop. I watch the "offender" in my rear view mirror. I use all this energy and...for what? Who is being the bonehead now??

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I felt a twinge of anger and defiance as I pondered my next move. I pulled over and waved the tailgater around me. Did that mean I was condoning his actions? No. It simply meant that I didn't want to waste MY energy worrying about him riding my bumper and I certainly wanted to stop acting childish by playing games on the road.

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Hmmm....alot like forgiveness. No more games. No more trying to punish the other person. Because all it does is occupy my mind, sap my energy and surrounds me in negativity. While I felt a momentary sense of indignance letting him pass by me, I was able to quickly let it go with the realization that it brought me peace. Oohhh....that's the point. Tailgater no longer matters.....but I released myself from all that negative energy. I love perspective.