Feelings

Wrestling with some feelings today. My mother was over last night. It's a regular Weds thing. I was feeling a real invasion of my personal space yesterday. My house is not all that big to start off with but I was baking and had some extra tables set up, some related clutter. I have 2 doorways to my kitchen. One was blocked by the set up table and she was standing in the other. Ah! Trapped! Not a good feeling. My mind wanted to go in 2 different directions. There was part that was trying to talk me off the ledge of a panic attack and the other part was ready to launch into that panic attack. I become very withdrawn when I feel that way. Part of me manages to feel guilty b/c I know I act like my father when I'm feeling withdrawn and I think about how that must make my mother feel. Stress on top of stress on top of stress. When my mother was leaving, she was kissing my DD goodbye and DD says to my mother "Kiss Mommy on the head five times." I couldn't think fast enough of any possible way to get out of that gracefully so I just let her do it. DD started to tell my mother to do it again and I managed to redirect that, thank goodness. Should be no big surprise that I woke up with a horrendous migraine this morning. So bad I could barely open my eyes and felt like I was going to vomit every time I moved my head an inch off the pillow. In the big picture, turned out to be a good thing since it snowed really heavily today. So I'm glad I stayed home. But......

I need to talk to my T about this. I don't know what to do with my feelings of invasion, discomfort, guilt, inability to voice my needs with my mother. I've tackled one situation with cutting off certain behaviors of hers and not worrying about the reaction. Others seem a little more touchy. How do you tactfully tell your mother you would rather she club you with a sledgehammer than kiss you??? I guess I just feel like there is too much behind that. There is anger. There is sadness and disappointment. There is the feelings of betrayal. If I said anything to stop her from kissing me, I would have cried. And I don't want to cry in front of her. I don't want to be vulnerable in front of her. And I didn't want to let all that out in front of my DD. I don't know how to set boundaries here. I feel like I don't have the ability to decide what boundaries are appropriate until I am able to deal with some of these feelings.

Okay...secondary to mother feelings.....I've been feeling very alone lately. Hmm, funny how it's easy for me to let some tears come on this subject but not about my mother. Anyway, when I was decorating my tree last week, first I felt really excited.....my first tree in my first home. WooHoo! DD went to bed and I was finishing up and I felt so alone. I got really sad all of a sudden that I was doing this by myself.

Today, we had a big snowstorm. As I was getting ready to go out and shovel, I remembered my XBF telling me that he would make sure he always slept over when there was snow so that he could shovel my walkways, clean off and warm up my car for me. Feeling alone again. Missing being in a relationship. And feeling very unworthy of love for some reason. Unlovable. Sad.