Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wrong Tactics, Right Result

I don't know what it is about this time of year. Why does it make me (and so many others) so nostalgic about people and relationships? Is it the ending of a year and the desire to put closure to old issues simultaneously? Is it the promise of a new year and wanting to facilitate some sort of fresh start? I've found myself itching to reach out to several people in the past few weeks. Strongest desire has been for my XBF.

T has been known to say that when something lingers for this long, it's old stuff. I did identify that my feelings of unrest with XBF relate much to the situation with my father....a relationship full of expectations. A relationship that failed; that ended in anger, hurt, disappointment, confusion and profound feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Lately I've been replaying a specific conversation that XBF and I had shortly before the demise of our relationship. Although I *know* it not to be the case, I insist on squandering my energy in "what-iffing" this conversation. What if I'd actually said what was on my mind? What if I'd stood up for myself? What if I'd realized that I deserved more than what he was giving me and I demanded it from him? If only I'd have said it.....then, surely, he would have developed new-found respect for me. In my mind, this night was a turning point. I want to believe that he was giving me the opportunity to be an equal half, to assert my importance, to speak my mind. I'd become lost in him, for the second time around. I never demanded anything of him. I let him set the pace. He spent one night talking to me about some things that were bothering him and he asked me to vent my frustrations as well. I didn't. I told him I really didn't have any. I did. I had frustrations. Sadly though, I didn't know just how many frustrations I had til weeks later. I managed to stuff the majority of them down. I managed to take on the burden; to find ways to blame myself for his issues. (*Whoa* Ding-Ding.....isn't THAT an old & learned thought process coming to the surface?!?)

Why is it that I can know something yet still not believe myself? Why have I known for a fact that what I'm replaying in my mind is not reality but I can't stop myself from imagining a different outcome? I know this is a waste of my time and energy. But I've been torturing myself with it. I've actually had the urge to apologize to HIM for not being enough of a person to speak my mind. WTH?? I need to apologize to MYSELF, not him! More to the point, I need to accept my own apology and know that I did the best I was capable of at that point in time.

I have been known to be a bit of a sneak. :o) I'm a snooper. I did it with my XDH and I did it with XBF as well. Last time I checked his email was mid summer and I found out that he'd gotten back together with another woman who he dated in between the two times he and I were together. Their emails were all lovey-lovey.....talking futures, vacations, marriage. All the things he and I had talked about. One part of me scoffed at it believing he has too many issues to ever make a relationship work. The other part of me felt like a total failure....wondering if he would go on from his relationship with me to actually get married and have a happy life with this other woman. While, of course, I died alone and miserable.

Well.....I decided to check his email today. I know. I know. It's wrong. I know it is. But my instinct has always been so strong with him. Even when we are not in touch, I somehow have a sixth sense about him. So there it was.....emails from her that seriously could have been from me a year ago. Replaying the exact situation that happened with me......"you only let me in so far and then you back away", "events that should bring us closer drive a distance between us", "why are you avoiding me?", "you say you want a future with me and then when it starts to go in that direction, you run for the hills". It was uncanny. And again, I know it was wrong for me to look. But I was able to exhale a sigh of relief and finally accept what I really did know......it wasn't me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of commanding someone's time, attention, love, pride, respect. XBF is screwed up and it's not about me. My father is screwed up and it's not about me. My brother is screwed up and it's not about me. My mother is screwed up and it's not about me.

So it felt a little empowering to say those things....however, can you tell me why I still have this desire to contact people? I still want to get in touch with XBF, with my father, with DD's bio-father. Even with another XBF. Okay....I feel very ashamed to say this but I have to be honest. There is some part of me that wants them to want me. Oh. I guess I want to reject them back? Hmmm....well the 2nd XBF, I DID reject.....but that's a different story. I want them to feel like they are missing out on something? If I really felt convicted that I was so lovable then I don't think I'd feel like I wanted all these people to be pining away for me again. *sigh* (Perfect is screwed up and it *IS* about me, LOL) I know how F**ed up this is....but my most comfortable "relationships" are the ones where someone else adores me and I could give two craps about them. Ugh....how ugly to admit it. But it's true. I love it when I have nothing to lose. And apparently I still have an innate need for approval. Dammit.

What does this all mean? Is this my anger? I want to punish them? Revenge? Is it my wish to put closure on things? Because the closure is within me; I know that much. Closure is not going to come by talking to any of them. I already know I won't get the response I want. Things with XBF ended in anger over a completely miniscule misunderstanding and we never spoke again. Things with my father ended in anger with my writing him a letter about my disappointment in his actions and his sarcastic response concluded in his telling me to "let it go". Things with DD's bio-father ended in an ugly court battle (which I WON, thank you very much). I think my feelings about him are somehow replaying my own situation with MY father. Parental rejection. It absolutely tears me apart that he has no desire to know his daughter. I don't know.

My head is reeling. Someone...everyone....please say something to convince me that I don't want to reach out to all these people and give them the opportunity to disappoint me again. What do I need to do to resolve this in myself and bring closure so that I don't need to replay the scenario over and over and over. What do I need to learn, know, accept, believe, to make this STOP?? STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

4 comments:

beautifuldreamer said...

Perfect,

Really, everything you said makes sense to me. The wanting to get in touch with those you know you can't have a healthy relationship with--and why? Because deep down inside we have the bottomless need to bring about a better ending. Because some part of us can't quite let go of the fairy tale, happy-ever-after ending. We were promised this! It's not fair! Parents should always love us, and so should our siblings, our significant others, etc. Or else how are we to live happy-ever-after?

I fantasize about different endings too (not as much as I once did, but sometimes.) If I'd said this instead of that, if I'd zigged instead of zagged--if I'd held my face differently or . . . or . . .

You ARE worthy of love. I know it's no comfort to know intellectually that those who have hurt us or failed to love us did so not because of us, but because of who they are. It's the truth though. Maybe you just don't know it emotionally yet. But you will.

(I can also relate to the snooping stuff. I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 10 years, but there was a time when I was a world class snooper. It stemmed from my deep insecurity, from the absolute certainty deep within that whoever I was with at the time would hurt me. It was just a matter of how and when, and I didn't want to be taken by surprise. I wanted to find out on my own and be the one to surprise with my newfound knowledge.)

Take care,
Beauty aka Mrs. Homebody

beautifuldreamer said...

PS Since I gave you permission to steal from me, may I have permission to steal your Keeping Silent graphic?!

Perfect said...

Thank you so much for your comment....you are so right. Wanting that happy ending. I really hate the times when there is such an enormous span between what my head knows and what my heart believes.

And yes, you absolutely can use my graphic!! Feel free.

Enola said...

You know I've gone through the replaying past events over and over again. And planning out future events over and over. For me it goes back to "control" and my need to feel like I'm in control. I want to see someone just one more time - so I can be the one in control, so I can control the ending, so I can be the one to walk away this time.