Thursday, December 27, 2007

Still confused

I didn't think I would make it another week wrestling with these thoughts and feelings but I guess the holiday took care of that for me. I didn't have extra time to dedicate to pondering. But I'm back to questioning today. Thinking of my "trio"....XBF, DD's bio-father and my father. Honestly, I think about my own father least of all. But I still believe he is the root of my wanting to contact the other two.

DD has been asking about her Daddy alot lately. XBF took the role and the title of Daddy willingly. He and I started dating when DD was 2 months old. He's all she ever knew. And then we broke up when she was 2 1/2. It's been nearly a year since she has seen or spoken to him and yet she remembers him like it was yesterday. I never thought she would remember him this long. So when she asks for Daddy, he is who she is talking about. I don't know how to explain to her that he couldn't be who he promised to be for her. And that, worse, the very person who created her life refuses to be a part of it. I don't know how to tell her that at the tender age of 3, she has already had two fathers who have both turned their backs on her. I don't know how to explain this rejection to her when I struggle with my own.

I don't understand how my own father could so coldly reject me. I don't understand how he didn't want to love me, protect me, believe me, cherish me. I don't know how I will be able to objectively explain things to my daughter without projection my feelings of shame, betrayal and unworthiness onto her. I want her to stand strong and know, in mind as well as in heart, that whoever does not choose to be part of her life is missing out on something extraordinary. I don't want her to feel that it's her flaws that drive people away and make her unlovable. Because that is how I feel. I feel unlovable. My own father. My brother. My mother in a different way. All the "boyfriends" I've ever had. You know I was pregnant once before when I was 20? My BF of 2 years told me if I didn't have an abortion he would never speak to me again. These are the kind of people I've foolishly chosen to give my heart to. My exhusband who abused me. DD's father who lied and turned his back on me. XBF.....who I loved so deeply even though I see it was not healthy love. I know they are his issues. I see him repeating his cycle....why am I stuck on feeling like I should have been "good enough" to change him? Why do I feel like a failure that I wasn't different in his life? It wasn't my job. It could have never been a successful relationship because HE is not healthy. Why are there parts of me that cling to what was?? Just because I miss feeling in love??

I don't know....I feel so confused. I still feel this gaping void between head and heart. And I so desperately want to bridge that gap but I don't understand how and I swear that the answer cannot be to just give it time because if I have to give it any more time, I'm going to contact one of them and I'm going to open myself up for bigger hurt. I've already written a letter to DD's bio-father though I did not send it. While it begs the question of him "What do I tell our daughter when she asks about you?"....the hidden question that he cannot answer is "Why did my father turn his back on me?" I know that there is no way for these questions to ever be answered. I can speculate from here to the ends of the earth but I'll never know. And the people who hold the answers within themselves are so completely out of touch that they could not explain it if they tried. What does a girl who craves the "Why?" do with permanently unanswered questions? How in God's name do I learn to make peace with that?

Let's think for a minute about what would happen if I actually did reach out to any of the "trio". There are basically three ways it could possibly end.
#1: they do not respond at all.
#2: they respond in a negative way
#3: they respond in a positive way

Well, #1 and #2 are pretty much setting myself up for re-traumatizing. More rejection, more pain, more laying my heart on the chopping block for someone who never deserved it in the first place. There is no good to come from either. Do I need confirmation of what I already know to be true?? And #3....what would I do with that? I don't think I can possibly face or forgive my father. I suppose if he were truly repentent about it, I'd hear him out but let's return to reality....not going to happen. If he were that remorseful, he would be contacting me.

If XBF responded positively.....what would that mean to my life? He's not getting back in. He can't be trusted. He doesn't get another opportunity to hurt me and by all means, he's not going to see my DD again.

DD's bio-father.....well, I'd like to think that someday she will have opportunity to meet him but I also envision that happening with him being a stand up guy. I see what I'm hanging my hat on here......I'm stuck on that miserable like .00000000001% chance that any or all of these three sorry-ass excuses of men will recognize and work out all their issues in a heartbeat and be longing to making things right with me. Curse that blasted Disney company!!!! I am holding out for the impossible, fairy tale, happily-ever-after ending. How many times do I need to circle the bowl with this one before I can finally flush the hope for something that will NEVER happen??????

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