Thursday, December 20, 2007

Morning musings

I was thinking this morning on my way to work. Thinking about this latest topic on my mind; the desire to contact people from my past. I've been considering calling my T for some guidance and I started thinking about what kind of questions she was likely to ask me. *Mental Note* It's probably a sign I've been in therapy too long when I can have a "session" without my T actually present!! LOL. Or maybe it's just a sign that I'm finally starting to "get it".

Sidebar note....I've been on Effexor for about six months now and I know my Doc said at 6 months is when you really start to see the full effect as it's finally integrated into your system. I have to say the work I've been doing in the past month or so has been more focused, effective, heartfelt and productive for my long term mental health than any I've done before. I am not so terrified of feelings. I'm not afraid to question why I feel the way I do about things. Instead, I actually WANT to do that so I can get to the bottom of it and get it out of the way!!

In any case.....I started to think. Of all the people in my life, past & present, good & bad, people I loved or disliked, people who were influential or pivotal.....why THESE three people? What is it about them? What is the commonality? Well once I asked that question, it made perfect sense. These are the three people whom with I've shared what should be the strongest bonds in existence. And they are three people who, despite this bond, have rejected me. My father is an obvious bond. XBF was the first man I truly loved. DD's bio father, well....we created a life together.

Beautiful Dreamer's response to my last post was right on. We want, and are practically bred to expect, that happy ending. The fantasy. The fairy tale. The Disney movie where everyone realizes their shortcomings and mistakes then move heaven and earth to change themselves and prove their love to those they have hurt. And they all live happily ever after. What could beg more for "happily ever after" than a father/daughter, first true love and having a baby together?

So....the question becomes "how do I find my ending"? How do I drop the expectation for the happy ending? What do I need to do to accept the reality and stop trying to rewrite the script of what really exists?? It's like watching a movie.....a movie with a really disappointing ending. And no matter how much you didn't care for the end, there is no changing it. It is what it is. Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?? My desire to reach out to these people is my desire to turn the tables; to flip the rejection. Or maybe just even to hear one word that makes me understand something so incomprehensible.

So I think I'm understanding what I'm doing and why. I accept that it's a futile wish, to change what is. I understand my task is to make peace with what is and find some way to stop feeling unsettled that I don't have the fairy tale that I feel so robbed of. Here is where I need my T. I don't know how to do this. I know she will tell me it's something that will happen in time. I want it to be a 1-2-3 step by step formula. Bam, bam,'re over it!! I think I need to call her tomorrow.....I don't think I can wait another 8 days with these feelings. I'm going to cave and contact at least one member of the "Rejection Trio"!! And that will be bad. Bad!!!


Marj aka Thriver said...

My heart aches for all of us little girls who never got our fairy tales and had to live with rejection instead. All I can do is send safe hugs. ((((Perfect))))

P.S. Would you like to trade links?

Perfect said...

Thank you Marj and yes, I'd definitely like to trade links. I've enjoyed reading your blog as well. Thanks!