911 Intervention

This is a pivotal moment for me. I am soooo in need of a fix of some sort. I am literally crawling with the urge to binge. My skin is itching. I am shaking. I don't even know how to describe what I feel. I'm barely breathing. Which is a change for me of late. I've been really able to breathe deeply most of the time without effort. Right now I am tense. I am frustrated. I am angry. I have a stress migraine. I feel out of control. I want to hurt myself. Waiting for my ridiculously slow internet connection, I was punching myself and scratching my skin waiting to be able to start typing. Breathe. I'm going to start typing that after every sentence until I am calm enough to remember to do it. Breathe.

The following is a VERY bad and dangerous combination: (breathe)
A 3 year old. Breathe.
Being a single mom to that 3 year old with no babysitter available. Breathe.
Trying to potty train said 3 year old. Breathe.
Two accidents and counting so far....the first one #2 and then a #1. Breathe.
Forgetting to take my Effexor last night. Breathe.
An extended visit with my mother last night.
Severe sleep deprivation over the past month. Breathe.
Being stuck at home all day long. Breathe.
Feeling stressed out with everything that needs to get done. Breathe.
The two large boxes (yes, BOXES) of work I brought home with me staring at me from the dining room. Breathe.
A giant bowl of pasta, a loaf of panera cheese bread (with soft butter sitting next to it) and assorted leftover goodies. Breathe.
Needing an outlet....needing a fix. Breathe. Feeling out of control.

As I have left DD to self entertain right now, I can hear those stupid Backyardigans singing and I want to wring every one of their little stupid necks and punt them from here to the other side of the country!! Argh!!!! I want to take a Xanax but I know it takes 20 minutes to take effect. Breathe. If I don't feel better when I'm done posting, I will take one. Breathe.

Forgive this for being an all-over the place bloggity blog. I'm just trying to ride this out. Breathe. I'm trying to breathe. God, my chest is so tight right now. It hurts. Okay.....think therapy. think therapy. What happened? All of the above happened but I was triggered by DD's second accident. I could fill an entire blog-site with potty training woes. This kid knows exactly what she's doing. She knows when she needs to go. She will sit on the potty, say she's done trying. Put her clothes back on and then go pee on the floor. It's maddening. And I'm very triggered, I think, by my utter and complete lack of control over the situation. I'm fighting so incredibly hard not to act angry with her. I don't want to scare her. But I'm PISSED!!!! (no pun intended, lol) Oh...that felt good to giggle. And I think I'm breathing on my own now. Okay....crisis level has come down one notch.

I grabbed the towel I was getting ready to clean the carpet with and shut myself in the closet and screamed into it as loud as I could. And all I wanted was to go shove everything in the kitchen into my mouth. I wanted to escape. I wanted to dissociate. From what? Seriously, from potty training?!? What is behind this? Because for this extreme a reaction, there is more to it. Out of control. Frustration. Parenting, Not being listened to. Anger. Hmm....nothing is really striking me. Is it just dealing with an influx of strong emotions?? Not being able to field them all at once and make sense of them? I mean, that was some SERIOUS rage.....I could have actually hurt DD if I didn't think about it first. Oh.....rage. That's what it is. It's feeling emotions and when I let myself feel rage, it's tapping into the incredibly high level of rage I've suppressed. Okay....I think I'm onto something.

Okay.....I've taken a break since that last line. During which time I cleaned up some more pee, called my friend, left a message for my T, cried in the bathroom, had a cup of soup and a cup of coffee (okay, 2 of them) and took a Xanax. I'm feeling somewhat better. I'm still not sure what the level of rage was caused by though my theory could be the answer. My T has not called back but I'll be interested in her take when she does. But at least the crisis seems to be lessening. Oh, and DD had one more accident but at least for that one, she ran into the bathroom first and had the accident in there. So it was a step in the right direction. I need to go do some laundry because I'm going to run out of clean potty training clothes for her very soon! And whoa.....I think I need to lay down. Seems the Xanax just kicked in because suddenly my head weighs about 100 pounds!