Saturday, January 26, 2008

What I Loved About Him

Started on 12/19 ~ about my XBF

What I Loved About Him:
His smile...a little crooked and his eyes squinted up. Thoroughly charming.
The way he would say "Hey My Sweetheart" every time we called one another
His shoulders
When he would let his silly sense of humor out and how he tried to subdue his laugh
How he could fix anything
The way he looked at me when we made love
How he smelled right after a shower
He listened to me without trying to fix my problems
He knew how I liked my coffee and would bring me a cup spontaneously
We could talk for hours and hours
The way he held me when we slept together
He knows everything there is to know about cars
He asked me to design his first tattoo and even let me draw it on his arm with eyeliner first to see how it would look
His patience
The way he played with my DD and was always so careful with her
He always talked to me on the cell as I drove home no matter what time it was to be sure I got home safely
How much he appreciated the special things I did for him

What I Didn't Love About Him:
He has a serious, paralyzing fear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability
He withdraws when things get tough
He broke my heart. Twice.
He has left a hole in my daughter's life that she cannot understand.
He lies to himself and, in the end, also to me.
He hated to be complimented or thanked.
He makes promises he can't keep, not just to me....but I know now that he's done this to many women. I am angry how he can continue to tear people's lives apart without ever realizing he's not emotionally equipped to enter a relationship.

Something occurred to me tonight. I was washing dishes and thinking about XBF. I'm seriously considering contacting him on his birthday which is in about 2 weeks. As is typical for me, I run through imaginary scenarios and conversations I know will never happen. Since XBF & I broke up, I've been in peripheral contact with his brother through a mutual friend. I've learned things about the brother that I would have never known. And where I thought the brother was the emotional recluse, I was quite mistaken. The fact is XBF doesn't know his brother very well at all. And I was suddenly reminded of their father's funeral. Brother got up in front of friends and family and read an incredibly well written, deeply touching and openly emotional tribute that he had written to a man he clearly knew and understood. XBF got up afterwards and read something so short and disjointed that it barely made sense and honestly, I can admit now that I was embarassed for him. I didn't even consider until today that it was just one more example of a man so absolutely disconnected from any emotional experience. I'm so sad for him. What an empty life.

Well, yesterday was XBF's birthday and I did finally make the decision to send him a quick note. I thought it through for a long time over the past 6 weeks or so. I felt like I needed to do this for myself. The thing that lingers with him as unresolved, for me, was the way things ended in anger. After 2 1/2 years together, many happy times and memories, and very rarely even the slightest seemed so wrong to me that things ended in an angry manner. For me, I felt I needed to try to change the end. I have no desire to be back together with him or even strike up a friendship (actually that's a lie....the second part. I do have the desire to be friends with him again but I know I cannot do it) but I needed to put something positive on the end of us. So I simply sent him a short email wishing him a happy birthday and hoping he's doing well. I thought it out many times before I sent it and I was prepared for any, or no, reply. As of today he has not replied and I don't believe he will but I feel good about it. I'm okay with this. I did what I felt I had to do for my own closure and I'm happy for that. In the end, I think it has more to do with my need to put closure to things with my father and XBF was a "safer", preliminary step in doing that. Which will segue my way into my coming post about Homework from my T. But it's going to take me a little while to get that done!


Tink said...

I think it's great you contacted him. As long as you are true to what you said about not being bothered either way.

I've been thinking of you and am glad you are ok. :)

Perfect said...

Thanks Tink! I really do mean it. I'm fine with the fact that he's not responded. Frankly if he's still so angry with me over something so silly, that over 8 months later, he can't even say thanks for the well wishes....yeah, I'm all set with him! :o) Hope you're doing well!