Monday, June 30, 2008

Armored In

I did something very unusual this weekend. I went to T without an agenda. Usually, I have notes or I've printed blog posts. I go with a folder or notebook. Saturday, I went with my coffee and no real pressing matters at hand.

I acknowledged that I was feeling a little uneasy without a "plan". So T guided me through some grounded breathing where I just took stock of how/what I was feeling. We discussed the fact that my mind wants to roadblock that process with negative messages everytime I try it. Fortunately, I've gotten pretty good at tuning those messages out.

I told her that I tried the anger expression exercise once and I was pleased with the result. Even though I hadn't done it again..... But she said it was good I did it once and that I'm open to doing it more. We discussed the physical tightness in my body and she referred to it as being "armored in". She said that it becomes not just an armoring of the physical self but a restraint to all forms of expression. Interesting. I definitely feel physically armored. In fact, I strongly believe my eating disorder is a subconscious armoring. I think the extra pounds serve as a barrier, an insulation against other people or any type of closeness. In any case, I did do another release exercise on Sat night. I didn't feel like I got in touch with anything. But that's okay. I still did it. I thought about doing it again last night.....but I decided to get in touch with brownies & ice cream instead. ;o)

I mulled about the subject of my love life. Or utter lack thereof, more specifically. I said that I can't really figure the whole thing out. I am not motivated to meet someone at this point. And I'd be content to accept that but I feel some sort of pressure to WANT to want someone in my life. Does that make sense? Like it seems wrong that I want to be alone. I told her that I just question my motives right now. Is it just that I'm content with me and DD; don't want to bring anything new into our lives right now? Or is it fear? Because if it's the latter, I don't want to give in to that. T said she sensed some sort of anxiety around this subject, almost a feeling of "what-if"s about the future. And I said yes there is some of that but it's not what you would expect. It's not the "what if I get involved and he breaks my heart"'s more like what if I find myself really wanting a relationship someday and I've given up opportunities to have one at this point? Or what if I'm too old to meet someone when I finally feel ready? Or what if I'm putting my personal life on hold for all the wrong reasons. I said there is part of me that really feels like I need to do this now. Need. But not want. I've spent so much of my life chasing after love that it feels utterly wrong to not care. Maybe it's a sign of healing. I'm not sure.

As I talked, I realized that a driving force of the desire to meet someone now is because I want to give DD a "replacement"....I want someone to fulfill that role in her life so she's no longer wishing for my XBF. Amazing what comes out when you're just open to ideas..... Clearly that is the wrong reason to get involved. I'm still up in the air about the whole dating/relationship topic. I'm not looking to meet anyone at the moment. But I want to stay open to the subject and keep feeling out my ambivalence. That's a good word for it and I guess that's why I keep circling it. It's not like me AT ALL to be ambivalent about men, relationships, love. Since I don't feel settled in either direction, I believe there is more behind it than I'm in touch with yet.

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