Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Trigger, Trigger, Triggered!

Had a Dr appt this afternoon that near triggered me into a panic attack. I was in a car accident a few years ago and the court hearing is finally coming up. The other party decided they wanted me to see an independent Orthopedist.

First of all, I was getting antsy b/c they left me in the waiting room for a half hour. Next, I follow the nurse to the exam room and she lays the paper gowns on the table. I say "I'd rather not undress." and she says "Well, you have to because he'll need to see the areas of complaint."

Hmmpfh. First of all....the best way to get me to NOT do something is to tell me I HAVE to do it. It's my defiant streak....what can I say?!?! I was getting extremely agitated thinking about getting naked for this strange Dr. So I decide that I will do what I find comfortable which is to take off my shirt but keep on my bra and pants. I, of course, was already having a "fight" with the Dr in my head....anticipating some big blowout when he came into the room to see I still had pants on. Of course, he didn't care. Worry for naught. He did have to poke and prod various areas. Some not so bad. Others very triggering. Holding my arms down and asking me to push out against his. Hands on my neck which is a huge thing for me. Checking my coccyx (tailbone) which requires rear-end rouching.

Next, he says he'd like to do some XRays. So they send me, still in paper gown (& pants), through the office into an internal waiting room for radiology. There are 5 other people waiting. THEY are all dressed. I'm feeling more and more naked by the moment. I was about to go into a full on PA but I closed my eyes and was able to successfully disconnect from where I was and just breathe myself "off the ledge". Finally, they take me in to do the XRays. I had to remove my bra so I'm feeling even MORE naked. They are not the gentlest of individuals as they try to get you into positions. They are grabbing me and pulling this way and that and keep grabbing my chin or head to move it. I HATE having my face touched. And I HATE anyones hands near my eyes. Pulling on my arms, my hips. The tech misplaced one of the directional markers and was practically feeling me up, running her hands up and down me, in & out of the gown trying to see if it had stuck to me. ACK! After those XRays, then I had to do some more lying down on the table. Again with grabbing my hips, hands, legs. Trying to lie still there was not easy!! I give myself kudos for being able to calm down when I was so anxious. I'm glad that is over.


Angel said...

I'm glad you were able to calm yourself down. It sounds like quite a day for you. I'm glad it is over.

Maia said...

Wow Perfect, sounds like a tough day. You handled it really well. I know several abuse survivors who just avoid going to the doctor altogether - I'm glad you're able to take care of yourself. It's so frustrating to find medical professionals (and social workers) who aren't aware of trauma responses. HELLO - 1 in 3 girls, 1 in 4 boys.