Insecurity

It's funny how events happen that bring a particular issue to light. Something last week sparked my recollection of when I began dating my XDH. Then I had a conversation with my friend J last night that brought up the insecurity issue even more.

I feel such pity and shame when I think about what I said to my XDH. I had been dating someone else on & off for several years when I met XDH. XDH said he wanted to date exclusively and so I was going to break up with the other guy. As I was getting ready to break it off with other guy, I called XDH and I asked "Are you sure you want me?" Before I do this, are you sure you want me?? Because I didn't want to let go of one crappy relationship til I was certain I was "secure" in another.

I guess I've always been insecure but certain times in my life, I've been better at hiding it. Hiding it so well that even I didn't see it. After my divorce, I was feeling confident in my physical appearance but emotionally still very insecure. I didn't know it at the time. Men wanted me and I knew that I could be whatever they wanted me to be. That was the secret of my confidence. I still didn't know who *I* was. So while this came across as massively confident and secure, I was really looking for someone else to make my facade a reality. I just wanted someone to love me and that would "assure" me that I was worthwhile. And I would find my security in them. At least til they screwed me over which I would then blame on myself and find another guy who I would turn myself inside out trying to please and trying to make him love me so I could grasp some security for another snippet of time.

Lately I've been musing over the single parent life and the isolation I feel. I realize, though, that in part I do this to myself. It became evident last night how tightly guarded I still am. I often feel sad at how few friends I have and how few people I can reach out to for support. I think about my friend, J, and how many people she has in her life and I feel envious. I was talking to her last night and she was asking me if there was a way for me to network with other single moms/parents. I told her how I've tried a Mom's chat board, a Yahoo group for single moms, created a myspace page, joined what is basically a "matching" service for mothers who want other moms to meet up with. And how miserably all have failed. With my schedule, it's just so hard to commit to anything in the "real" world, not to mention that I have yet to find such an outlet.

J suggested that I get in touch with a woman I was talking to at a recent birthday party we both attended. The woman is also a single Mom and we had a great conversation at the party. But she has 7 kids. As soon as J started suggesting this and talking up what a great idea it would be, my mind was saying "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!!!!" Every excuse in the book was flying to my mind. How busy single parents are and especially her with that many children. But what it came down to in my mind was "why would she want to spend any of her limited spare time with ME?" And "why would I put myself out there asking to be her friend and give her the opportunity to reject me?"

I say I want friends but I don't do anything to cultivate that because I'm so insecure about what I have to offer. And I'm too scared to make myself vulnerable. I am isolated, in part, because I choose to be. Even here, in virtual world, I visit so many other blogs that I admire but I almost never leave a response because I don't feel my words are worthwhile or relevant. In turn, I don't get alot of replies on my own blog which then perpetuates my negative beliefs about myself. I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel isolated because I isolate myself.

I'm just not sure what's going on with me right now. This post isn't flowing with the right words and it's not expressing the depth of emotion. Oh....I'm not expressing the depth of emotion. I think that's the problem. I think this is a very scary and vulnerable issue for me and I'm restraining my emotions as best I can which is why I'm feeling numb. Which is why my writing seems so perfunctory and detached right now. *~*~*~*~* I took a break in there for a while, did some breathing and tapping. I still feel fairly numb. I feel sad, actually. And I feel incapable of putting forth the emotional investment necessary for me to obtain what I desire.