Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Relinquishing Control

This is my stomach right now ~~~>
Control is a big issue to me as I'm sure many of you can understand and relate to. Letting go of any portion of the control I have is really scary. Two issues in my life are testing this right now.
First of all, DD's daycare plans alot of out of school field trips. I'm not comfortable letting her go on a bus to public places without me. I'm too much of a "what-iffer". She's always stayed at school with the other kids who aren't participating. Well, this Friday the kids have a trip planned and every other student is going. Which means she would be alone at the school with one teacher. I can't make her feel like she's being singled out or punished by not doing something all the other kids are doing. So last night I gave her the choice and she said she wanted to go. I'm in knots as I sign the permission slip and think about her riding a bus on the highway to another town and being in this public place with teachers & other parent chaperones. I could volunteer to chaperone but I need to work. If I could take days off to take her places, I'd be a stay at home Mom! In the end, I think this particular instance of relinquishing control is good for me and good for DD.
But the next one.....well, I'm not so sure but the decision is made already so I have to live with the consequence. Today there is a child support enforcement hearing in my case. DD's donor stopped paying me in March and didn't start again til about 3 weeks ago, at a reduced amount. It's an interstate case, meaning he lives in another state and the court hearings take place in his state of residence. For this reason, I'm not required to show up at hearings. But I've been at every one since the start. I've done more than show up.....I've prepared, researched, documented. I wrote my own legal motion and represented myself in court, requesting a deviation from state law in my favor and I won. That was one of the proudest moments of my life. This case is near & dear to my heart. It's more than his obligation to pay; I feel like it's the principle of the matter for me. It's my way of not letting him get away with all the lies he told to me. It's building some financial security for DD's future. Through much angst and with the help of my friend, I made the decision not to go to today's hearing. Because of the distance, I'm allowed to request a telephone appearance. When I finally spoke with the supervisor of my case worker, after 3 days of trying to call with no answer & no voice mail to leave a message, she informed me that the phone appearance is only a request with no guarantee they will call. It's the hearing officer's discretion and, if they are running behind (and when are they NOT running behind), they will not call. Well, I had a bit of a meltdown and I guess my tears made her want to help me a little more. She found the case worker who will be in my hearing this morning and made her promise to call me if Donor does show up and there is a hearing. I don't trust them to follow through on this promise but I've made the calculated risk to leave it in their hands. Terrifying. As to whether this decision ends up being "good for me", hopefully I'll be able to answer that affirmatively in the next four hours. In the meantime, thank God for coffee & I feel like I'm going to puke.
****UPDATE: The hearing officer DID call. Donor showed up and we had the hearing with me appearing by phone. It all worked out great!!! They upped the amount he has to pay me toward his arrearages. When I say upped....holy COW. I mean he now has to pay me 20 times what he was previously paying. Literally.....20 times!!! That's just toward back support. The regular support order remains the same. I'm so happy!! Guess I can now say relinquishing some control worked out okay in this situation!! Now to make it past Friday without a panic attack.....!!!


Tamara said...


I bet your daughter will have a wonderful time and you will be so glad that you let her go.

Hope the people from the hearing call you like they said they would. It is always unnerving depending on others in situations like that.

Good for you for relinquishing some control. I know that isn't easy.

Enola said...

YEAH - you do know that you should go to law school, right :)

Lynn said...

This is fantastic news! I'm so glad. It's awful when people refuse to support their own offspring. And it's not uncommon for people to do just about anything to get out of it.

Maia said...

Good for you! Way to take a risk!

Angel said...

I am so glad that the hearing officer did call you! WTG for you relinquishing control!