Thursday, April 17, 2008

Update After Counseling

I went in with an agenda tonight.

With all that's been happening in my mind re: XBF, I wanted to get T's take on what kind of man he is so that I could better understand how I ended up falling for him. There has clearly been something in the way of my moving on and I do feel like I have now hit on it with the vulnerability realization.

I told T the latest that I found out about XBF. I mentioned this cryptically the other day on my blog, saying I found out some "unpleasantries." Well, what I found out through peeking into his email is that he has been soliciting prostitution. And now he has taken up as a regular with one and seems to be "falling" for this woman he's paying to have sex with. Unbelievable. I mentioned my observation that he seems to crave physical intimacy and the "high" of a new relationship. But when real emotional intimacy starts to evolve, he runs for cover.

T said XBF is immature, an avoidant personality, stunted emotional growth. Hmmm....all of these just like my father!! In addition, he has massive mother issues. He is the youngest of 4 boys. His mother and father did not have a close relationship and started sleeping in separate bedrooms when XBF was still fairly young. His mother basically made him her equal, like a little husband. From a very early age, he was the "go-to" person to clean up the messes of the whole family. He is the center of her world. She is totally dependent on him for everything. In essense now, he is "married" to his mother. The girlfriend relationships he has are tantamount to affairs. He enjoys the short term high and then, when it gets too serious or threatens the need to go up to the next level, he runs back to his "wife" (mother).

There are some real Inner Child issues because he was not allowed to develop as a child. I'm not sure if he was attracted to the caretaker in me, since it met his need for nurturing, or he was attracted to the "damsel in distress" side of me because it allowed him to assume his familiar caretaking role. For some reason, I believe it's the latter. The part of me that was attracted to him was the part that was caught up in a fantasy, not grounded in reality, wanting to rush the process and find my (barf) happily-ever-after. The good news is that T said I've done this work now and she doesn't believe I'm in any danger of approaching another relationship so blindly. T said this is about setting boundaries, healthy boundaries, around my vulnerability. Because to not be vulnerable at all means being closed off altogether. Life requires moments of vulnerability. There is a risk:reward ratio but trust needs to be established first. Baby steps!

Yes, I was extremely vulnerable to XBF but I did it without merit; without taking time to figure out if he was worthy. T said it's as if I was ready to take the step of being vulnerable but I was not prepared for a different outcome yet. I had more to learn. I ignored the red flags on purpose to bring the same result...pain, betrayal. I was unconsciously willing to be manipulated by making myself vulnerable right away. I was looking for the reward without measuring the risk.

We talked about my dream of my car being stolen. I had already deciphered that one as being about a loss of my identity. I wondered why I felt that way after the father work I'd done. T said it was actually a very good sign that I'd really "felt" my work because the dream then suggests I was reorienting to the world, resolving my sense of loss & grief; who I am without holding onto that father angst.

Re: DD & the Daddy comment (the other day when she said "I want someone to be my Daddy because my Daddy left") T said that DD is obviously maturing in her thought process and this would be a good time to start expanding on talk of fathers and XBF specifically. Tell her it's okay for her to call him by his first name instead of calling him Daddy anymore. Tell her that we allowed her to call him Daddy but we made a mistake in that; we should not have given him that name because he did not behave like a Daddy. I need to find a way to help her take back that word (Daddy) because it's identified only with him in her mind. So, in her world now.....Daddy's leave. :o( Gosh that just pains me. I feel such remorse that I did not use better judgment.


Rising Rainbow said...

XBF is a victim of psychological incest in its complete form. Many of us deal with aspects of it but not the whole darn tamale. Those who get the whole thing find it really tough to break free of that influence in their lives. You're definitely better off without someone with that kind of baggage.

Enola said...

Tag you are it (see my blog)

And I totally agree with RR - she's so wise!