Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Being Human

How I detest being human. Can you imagine a more ridiculous thing for me to waste my energy on? Trying to figure out how not to be confined to human limitations? It occurs to me as I get off on a tangent of lamenting these limitations that there is absolutely no way in hell that I will ever love, value, respect and accept myself in this life until I can QUIT trying to find a way around being what I am really fortunate enough to be. A human being.
Yet I despise.......
I despise.....

Emotions

Hurts, emotional or physical

Requiring nourishment

Desires

Needing human contact

Physical limitations

Needing sleep

Bodily functions of any kind

Not knowing the answer to any and every question

Being subject to criticism

Making mistakes

Having to deal with any sort of ambiguity

Not being 100% on top of every single thing in life, at home, at work

Feeling like a failure at anything

Questioning my value as a person, a friend, a parent

Judging and feeling judged

Getting sick

Hearing my voice

Disappointing anyone at anytime

Not being able to do everything for everyone at a moment's notice
It must be perfect. Every single thing I do.
Every single.....

Word from my mouth
Action I take
Parenting choice
Meal I cook
Project I undertake

Advice I give
Sentence I type

Photo I snap
Choice I make
Mile I drive
Song I sing
Story I write
Game I play
Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
I know I cannot be. I know I am not. Yet I'm still driven by this desire to somehow find the key that unlocks the ability to achieve the impossible. How do I let go of this? How do I find self-acceptance? How do I come to believe that it's okay to be just what I am? It's not like I'm fooling anyone. I'm fairly sure there is no one on this planet who looks at me and thinks I am soo put together and fabulous that I must not even be human!!?!?! So what drives me to keep feeling this way?
Oh my god....it's the inability to be. To just be. When I stop hating myself for being something that I know I will never be then I will have to live with myself as I am and accept that. And it's the feeling that I need to be tormented by something, that I don't deserve peace. That is why I can't let it go. It's not that I can't accept my lack of perfection. It's that I spend my energy fretting over a desire wholly futile to keep my brain from resting and getting to know myself as I actually AM. And to say it's okay. Despite the messages that were programmed into my psyche so early in life, I don't have to be any more than I am. Go figure.

3 comments:

Tamara (TC) said...

Kim,

I hate hearing you be so hard on yourself. It is true that there is no such thing as perfect by human standards. But, there is perfection in the creation of you. I truly believe we are all perfect in a spiritual sense at our very core. That thought has helped me a lot to let go of the negative voices.

The other thing that I do which has helped is to challenge those voices. Just like you did in your blog post but on a thought by thought basis. Truly ask yourself, in the moment, if anyone judges you the way you have just judged yourself. Turn it around and ask if you would judge another the way you just judged yourself. This really helped me learn that I was much too harsh on myself. The habit of challenging my negative thoughts has made a significant difference with practice.

Hope this helps a little bit.

Hugs,
Tamara

Kim said...

Thanks, Tamara. I know I'm harsh on myself, unrealistically so. I am coming to understand that it's something I do in order to create chaos in my brain so that I don't have to be alone with my true thoughts. Topic for therapy on Saturday..... :o)

Angel said...

Oh, do I so understand this post.

How funny and ironic that the word verification word is "meaneed." Quite relevant to this post. (since we despise needing)