Not feeling particularly inspired with a new post today, I decided to look back on this time of year, two years ago. I was posting with a Survivor's Forum online group which eventually fizzled out and led to the creation of my blog. It was immensely helpful for the time it was active.~
Two years ago, here is where I was at. The *bullet* remarks are my synopsis of what was going on in my life and the comments in purple are excerpts from my posts.
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*Bianca and I were living in my Mother's house because, financially, it was all I could do at the moment. I'd been living there since June of '03, shortly before I got pregnant. The weight of living in the home where the majority of my abuse took place, and trying to raise my daughter in this environment was suffocating.
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*I was finally preparing to move out. I was house hunting. I was still in a relationship with Tom, my XBF and the one Bianca calls "Daddy", although it was beginning to fall apart. I was *just* starting to allow myself to see that it was happening while still scrambling to hold it together any way I could.
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I hate to think anything bad about my relationship with Tom and hate even more to admit the things I do think. Yesterday I just started thinking.....have I done this to myself on purpose where I've put myself back in the position of waiting for someone I love to choose me and forever being disappointed? I can say a million wonderful things about him. I do truly love him. I also sit here with my life on hold waiting for him to sift through his family issues and, in the end, he is not choosing me or us. And I just wonder how that all plays into my past. It does seem to be part of a pattern.
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*I was just completing a series of written & email correspondence with my mother about my childhood abuse and my anger at her for her role in it. She claimed that she "never knew" what really happened, so I told her. She never even commented on it except to say that "she can no longer say she's uninformed". It was a huge learning experience for me and really allowed me to take a step forward in my relationship with her. This was the beginning of my acceptance that some things in life just need to be grieved.
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I was thinking yesterday.....what if my mother's not capable of meeting me in reality on this? What if she absolutely, steadfastly clings to her place of denial? It's a real possibility.You know, it's her prerogative. It's her choice. But I'm not sure how to live with that. How do I let go of my expectation for her to beREAL? I mean, I understand that having expectations of another person is generally pretty futile....you can't make people who you want them to be. But on the other hand, we all have a minimum personal standard of how we want to be treated. Does family transcend this standard? Not in my mind, they don't. I guess I don't understand where the compromise on this is. I guess I don't understand HOW to do the very thing I know I need to do which is to stop expecting her to be who I wish she was.
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Susan (that's my Therapist) said that inherent in all of what I said is this deep down belief that my mother is capable of what I want from her and somehow holding it back from me. She has it but is not giving it, she could be open but chose not to be, she knows something she won't tell me. These are my illusions. That I'm not what I need to be in order to get from her what I want. That I need to somehow find the key to unlock her into being what I need. It's a carry over from the childhood abuse that taught me to assume responsibility. It can't be her....she is my parent. IT MUST BE ME. This is something I need to let go of. I need to stop believing she is capable of more than what she is giving me because that is where I'm getting caught up and being forever disappointed.
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Susan (that's my Therapist) said that inherent in all of what I said is this deep down belief that my mother is capable of what I want from her and somehow holding it back from me. She has it but is not giving it, she could be open but chose not to be, she knows something she won't tell me. These are my illusions. That I'm not what I need to be in order to get from her what I want. That I need to somehow find the key to unlock her into being what I need. It's a carry over from the childhood abuse that taught me to assume responsibility. It can't be her....she is my parent. IT MUST BE ME. This is something I need to let go of. I need to stop believing she is capable of more than what she is giving me because that is where I'm getting caught up and being forever disappointed.
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We talked more about where I am with my Mom and that my task now is grieving the loss of the ideals I had about her and mom's roles in general and then coming to terms with what is. I told her I felt better in ways about what I'd shared with my mother even though her reaction wasn't what I'd hoped for. It gave me a new understanding and for that I'm glad. And that I feel like I gave my mother the power before through my paralysis in dealing with the issues but now that I've tackled some stuff and learned that I'm definitely the "strong" one, I feel I have the power back. Susan reminded me how much of my life had revolved around surrendering my power/others holding power over me and my wishes.
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*I was struggling with brother issues, trying to get a grip on how I felt about Jeff (my brother) potentially having a family relationship with Bianca. He's only seen her twice. Being that my brother was one of my abusers and I don't have a relationship with him, I was perplexed by the fact that I felt irate toward him for not making an effort to know his niece.
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So where am I at today?
Well, obviously I moved out and made a home for myself and Bianca. That's a huge weight lifted though I have to admit it did not have the curative effect I'd hoped as far as my anxiety and panic symptoms were concerned.
Tom and I broke up in January of '07 and he's basically out my life. I would be lying if I didn't admit there are still some sort of feelings there but I'm not sure what kind of feelings they are. The process did allow me to recognize my bad relationship choices and eventually led to my decision to stay single, at least until I feel like I'm in control of me and my life.
The experience with my Mom was enlightening and opened the door to a LOOOONG hallway at which a realistic relationship with her waits at the other end. Presently, I'm about mid-hallway! I've accepted her limitations and made peace with having to grieve the loss of the mother I would have wanted. The piece I'm working on now is allowing myself to enjoy her for who she is.
It's funny....the part about my brother....I don't think I would have even remembered that struggle had I not read back on the posts. I don't struggle with that any longer. While the idea of "my big brother" was another thing I had to grieve, I accept that the one I have can't be part of our lives.
Guess I've made some progress in the past 2 years!
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