Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Spent some time reflecting after last nights posts. First of all, I called my BFF back. I got her voicemail. The message I left was.....well.... it was hilarious, really. "Oooooh God....I don't know whether to cry or be thrilled that you're not answering. I don't feel like talking. I think I need to talk but I don't want to. I'm pretty sure if I don't talk about this tonight that I won't do it at all. And I'm pretty sure that's the way I'd like it. Even though I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel. So...um....I have no idea what to tell you at this point. I don't know if I want you to call me back or not. So. Well. Do what you will with this information!!!"~
Needless to say, my friend called me back. My lovely, patient friend who even with a severe case of larangitis (sp?) carried the entire beginning of the conversation to help ease my anxiety level so that I could eventually talk. When she gives me feedback, I want to tune her out. I want to cut her off and tell her I already know the answer. Poor thing. I love her to death...I SO value her thoughts. But I have such a hard time admitting that I don't have it all under control that it's terribly difficult for me to take advice from anyone. She knows this, though, and she approaches me so gingerly with her words. God love her....I don't know why she is so patient with me. We've been friends for 25 years and I still can barely open up to her.
After we talked, I can't say I felt significantly better. I mean, I felt satisfied that I'd accomplished something that was tough for me. But I think I was so busy judging myself and all the hype over this one little blip in my life. I came out of it thinking "see, I could have just handled this on my own...there was no need to get her involved and make her deal with all my insanity."
Regarding the "Daddy" stuff with my daughter....You know, I always say that I wanted so much more for her. Yes, I wanted her to have "more" than what I had. Maybe I need to just rearrange the way I think about that. Because in ways, she does have more. Quality vs Quantity. It may be just me and her but I do make every effort to be a present and (mostly) functional Mom. I mean, I had a Dad and he sucked. I had a brother and he sucked. I had a Mom and she did a crappy job of watching out for me. So, in that sense, DD has WAY more than I had.
So what exactly do I mean when I say that I want DD to have MORE than I did? I am projecting my fantasy onto her. I am projecting the "happy family, happy home" fantasy and hoping that for her life since I didn't have it for mine. And you know what? That little bugger is incredibly perceptive. Until I change my thinking and quit wishing that for her, even though I NEVER say it out loud, she will pick up on it and start to feel like she's missing out on something. Somewhere in this messed up brain of mine, I have to grasp and learn to accept the ideas that I give to DD verbally that families come in different forms and there's nothing wrong with that. The two of us are a family and that's all we need.