Monday, November 24, 2008

Hello, Open Wound? Meet.......

Salt.
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I made my last post on Friday evening after my workday was over and before I went to pick up Bianca. After the evaluation appointment, I'd had to shut down the emotions so I could function to drive, pick up Bianca and have my Mom over for dinner. Friday, I held it in all day, finally posting about it and then again, immediately shutting down so I could go about my night. Before I left work, I IMed my friend Jermaine. I told him I wasn't ready to talk details but I needed to just connect. This is part of my effort to do less isolating. Sure, he said, he would be home that evening. I told him I'd call him after Bianca went to bed. Which I did. He was in the midst of putting out an unexpected work fire. His company does international work so he's frequently working odd hours in order to interact with employees in other countries during their workday. He said he'd call me back when he had things under control. He text messaged me about an hour later and said he was still trying to finish up. I told him we'd just talk the following day....I was going to bed.
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During the hour I was waiting, I went to use my computer. Figured I'd check back on my blog or maybe do some writing. And....my modem was dead. I called the cable company and they could only offer someone to come out this week and replace it. So...no internet connection to my cyber-support friends.
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Saturday I had counseling in the morning. I told Susan (my T) that I wished I could just take all the info in my brain and upload it to hers because I SO didn't feel like talking about it all. We talked about the Renfrew experience and she was as unhappy as I was. She did say they are not the only option in the area if they can't work something suitable out for me. I just don't feel up to doing this again right now. Anyway, she said I had every right to feel disappointed or angry. But also to realize that the intensity this is hitting me with is my "old" stuff. It's old feelings of not being able to get help, of looking for assistance and not finding it. She asked me how old I felt. Interesting question. I was not able to answer. She said it's a valuable question to ask sometimes and can help with distinguishing if you're feeling "old" feelings. I felt entirely blank as I pondered that thought. I think my ages are all messed up. I think I have inner child issues surfacing but, when I was a child, I had such grown up problems and responsibilities. I don't know how old I feel at all. I talked to Susan about a dream I'd had the night before that followed no pattern at all to me. She said it was just a myriad of negative feelings and emotions....anger, rage, abandonment, fear, helplessness, etc. All the things I'd been supressing for the past 2 days.
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The rest of Saturday was filled with errands and stuff. While out, I bought Bianca the movie Wall-E. Super cute, we watched it twice when we got home.
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Sunday, I had to sing at church in the morning. Usually Jennie and I go out for breakfast after church. Last week she emailed me that she made plans with her niece so she wouldn't be able to do breakfast. Reaching out in hopes of being able to have a connection, I asked her if she could at least do coffee after church and she said sure. So we went to Starbucks and I told her I'd had a really rough week. I told her I was glad we were able to go out because I was trying hard not to isolate. Bianca was being a typical 4 year old. She wanted my attention, she was playing with a stuffed animal she brought with her. I was frustrated at one point because she was testing my patience with a particular potty issue that may be the death of me. And all of a sudden, Jennie goes off telling me that she thinks I spend too much time alone with Bianca and it's not healthy for me or for her. Telling me I need to have more adult time and should dump Bianca at my mother's house every other weekend so I can do things for me. Tells me that Bianca is too clingy because she won't leave me alone when I'm on the phone and giving me advice on what to do about that.
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Jennie is my oldest and dearest friend. I value her input. But this was such extraordinarily bad timing, I was knocked flat on my back. I felt like everything I'd just said went right over her head about having had a bad week and needing to connect with my friends. I could tell it's something she's had on her mind for a while because the delivery was HARSH and abrupt. I started to cry and then she tried to soften it up a little saying "I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not a parent", etc. But it was too late at that point. Bianca came over looking for my attention and I felt like Jennie was just waiting to see how I would handle it after she'd just given me her opinion on not catering to my daughter so much. I said I couldn't sit there and listen to any more of this and feeling like my parenting is being judged. And I told her I had to go.
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I went into the weekend feeling low and wanting to reach out. Attempt #1 Jermaine, didn't work out. Attempt #2 Internet, no access. Attempt #3 Jennie, got verbally beat up. Just left feeling like reaching out for support is not so worthwhile for me.

6 comments:

mile191 said...

oh my. many times. i usually end of hurting my kids because i feel like i have something to prove. i hate that feeling, being judged. then later i get angry and i am sure that hurts my kids too, because the thing that i wanted most was to pull them in, cuddle, snuggle, listen and protect them.

boy, have i been there, actually this weekend. i am letting my daughter read the twilight book, my daughter is 11. yes, she is young, but she loves reading. and i feel that she is reading it with an 11 year old mind. not the mind of an adult woman, who will put more life experience into the reading.

my best friend immediately calls me upon hearing the news and rips me one about my parenting choice. i felt so beaten up. worse, she did it in front of my daughter who was with her. then she said i should reconsider and take the book away from her.

i have never been one to like book burners.

so i sit here, stunned. i can't believe that she has done this to me with my daughter right there.

she says, well if you are going to let her i better not hear about her talking about the book with my daughter.

okay. so i was suppose to have a girls night out Saturday, with her. i obviously don't want to go now, and hear about it all night.

twenty seconds later, i am not kidding you. her friend calls me to tell me that she is not letting her daughter read it and that i shouldn't be either. this friend was also part of the girls night out group.

so i stayed home.

this morning as my niece is dropped off i hear her and my daughter talking about twilight.

i get mad at my daughter. and telling her not to talk about it with her cousin. i know the shit will hit the fan with my sister, my best friend (adopted sister).

my daughter is puzzeled at my anger. mommy, I wasn't talking to her about it. she was talking to me

SHE SAW THE MOVIE SATURDAY NIGHT, when i was suppose to go girls night out. my sisters kid saw the MOVIE, after ripping me about letting my daughter read the book.

i want to cuss and blame it on my personality disorder, turretts, whatever. i am so ....calm down.... what i am is hurt.

what is wrong with me?

sorry for the rambling. i guess i could have just posted. but thanks for being there. so i could vent my frustration.

take care. sorry things arent going great. i am here.

Enola said...

I'm so sorry. Just remember that Jennie doesn't have children. So her view is skewed. I'm sorry Jermaine wasn't available.

Please call or text or email me. I promise to be available and listen.

mile191 said...

thanks for the kindness today, for reading me. hope you are having a better day!

Angel said...

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time finding a sympathetic person to listen to you. ((Kim))

Maia said...

I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time right now, Kim.

I don't think that you spending so much time with Bianca is bad for her - how can knowing that you are your Mother's #1 priority be bad for a kid?

Take care,
Maia

Strong and determined said...

I second what Maia said. :)