Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Tuesday Whinings

I left work early yesterday to meet the cable company at my house. My modem died over the weekend and they were supposed to come replace it last night. When they didn't show, I called them to hear they have me scheduled for Sunday 11/30 at 10am to fix my TV service. Um, ok. None too happy...but whatever. Managed to reschedule for tomorrow. Certainly can't go a long weekend with no internet.
I called my Mom at one point last night because I wanted her baking input. She's an amazing baker. Turns out she was baking also. Apple pie. For my brother's birthday. My brother, my abuser. I'd all but put it out of my mind that today is his birthday. Why did she have to remind me? And remind me that she will never accept what he did to me so she still bakes pies for him.....
**Possible SI Trigger Warning**
I'm really, really tired today. Like can't keep my eyes open tired. Was up late decorating cupcakes for Bianca's Thanksgiving party and then just couldn't fall asleep til late. I woke with one of my weird migraines where pain is a secondary factor; I was having severe nausea every time I moved and seeing shooting lights and auras when I opened my eyes. Took me a long time to pull myself together. I had a rough drive in. My commute is about an hour and I often fall asleep while I'm driving. There are a few things I do, most of them are unhealthy tactics, that keep me awake. This morning I opted for stabbing my arm with my T pin. I have to confess, I was out for blood this morning and it felt so good to feel that sharp point poke through my skin. There is a level that produces a pinpoint drop of blood and then there is a another level that makes it really start to bleed. I had a sense of urgency to create pain and see alot of blood today. I describe this in detail for the purpose of saying I haven't felt that way in quite some time. Usually the point of the SI in the car is more for staying awake than anything. This morning, not so. Staying awake was a good side effect but I was really desiring and needing to SI.
I joined a Yahoo Group for food addicts yesterday. I'm hoping it will serve as at least some sort of support for me. It's OA (Overeaters Anonymous) based and therefore focuses on the 12 step program. I have no concept of a Higher Power. I'm not ready to address my God-issues yet. And I don't know how to figure out what my HP is. Frankly, all I think of when I look at "HP" is Hewlett Packard, LOL!!! Seriously, though, it seems an integral part of the program and I feel like I need to identify what a HP will be for me before I can give it an honest try. Any suggestions on how I figure it out?
Got a call from the woman at Renfrew to say that she's talked my case over with her "team" and they are trying to determine the best course for me. She's placed a call to Susan, my T, and is waiting to hear back from her. I am confident that Susan will come in strong on my side of needing a group environment and be able to give some clarity to the emotional weight of my addiction. I may not hear any more til after the holiday, though. So...I wait.


Enola said...

Try reading The Shack by William P Young. If you can't find it I'll mail you mine. I'll give you a hint. A higher power appears in the form of black woman, Asian and white.....

My cable guy did show up.....late though.

Misterimpatient said...

Hello. OA member here. I came to OA as an atheist and still identify that way EXCEPT I do now believe in a power greater than myself. That may sound like a remarkable contradiction but it's not. At least it's not in my mind. I abstain from religion but accept a spiritual solution to my eating problem. It works pretty well. I've maintained a 135 pound weight loss for 5 years now and, more importantly, I am free of tons of stinkin' thinkin'.

I wasn't sure what SI was but I had a guess that it had to do with self mutilation. If that's right, have you looked at http://selfmutilatorsanonymous.org/

Good luck!

mile191 said...

i am sorry. i think that is the worst thing that a person can do is reject the victim and coddle the perpetrator. i think that was actually the thing that made the effects of the abuse solidify for me. I wish your mom knew better. Are you doing any better?

Angel said...

Your mom's issues don't allow her to do more than she already is, apparently. It isn't that you aren't worthy of love or protection, because you are. She is unable to give you what you want and need in this. Please don't beat yourself up over her inadequacies.

No advice here on the HP issue. My advice would be to let that part of the group glide over you while trying to learn from the rest. You can still take away helpful information without following all their beliefs.

I hope the cable company finally gets your modem replaced.