Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I left work early yesterday to meet the cable company at my house. My modem died over the weekend and they were supposed to come replace it last night. When they didn't show, I called them to hear they have me scheduled for Sunday 11/30 at 10am to fix my TV service. Um, ok. None too happy...but whatever. Managed to reschedule for tomorrow. Certainly can't go a long weekend with no internet.
I called my Mom at one point last night because I wanted her baking input. She's an amazing baker. Turns out she was baking also. Apple pie. For my brother's birthday. My brother, my abuser. I'd all but put it out of my mind that today is his birthday. Why did she have to remind me? And remind me that she will never accept what he did to me so she still bakes pies for him.....
**Possible SI Trigger Warning**
I'm really, really tired today. Like can't keep my eyes open tired. Was up late decorating cupcakes for Bianca's Thanksgiving party and then just couldn't fall asleep til late. I woke with one of my weird migraines where pain is a secondary factor; I was having severe nausea every time I moved and seeing shooting lights and auras when I opened my eyes. Took me a long time to pull myself together. I had a rough drive in. My commute is about an hour and I often fall asleep while I'm driving. There are a few things I do, most of them are unhealthy tactics, that keep me awake. This morning I opted for stabbing my arm with my T pin. I have to confess, I was out for blood this morning and it felt so good to feel that sharp point poke through my skin. There is a level that produces a pinpoint drop of blood and then there is a another level that makes it really start to bleed. I had a sense of urgency to create pain and see alot of blood today. I describe this in detail for the purpose of saying I haven't felt that way in quite some time. Usually the point of the SI in the car is more for staying awake than anything. This morning, not so. Staying awake was a good side effect but I was really desiring and needing to SI.~
I joined a Yahoo Group for food addicts yesterday. I'm hoping it will serve as at least some sort of support for me. It's OA (Overeaters Anonymous) based and therefore focuses on the 12 step program. I have no concept of a Higher Power. I'm not ready to address my God-issues yet. And I don't know how to figure out what my HP is. Frankly, all I think of when I look at "HP" is Hewlett Packard, LOL!!! Seriously, though, it seems an integral part of the program and I feel like I need to identify what a HP will be for me before I can give it an honest try. Any suggestions on how I figure it out?~
Got a call from the woman at Renfrew to say that she's talked my case over with her "team" and they are trying to determine the best course for me. She's placed a call to Susan, my T, and is waiting to hear back from her. I am confident that Susan will come in strong on my side of needing a group environment and be able to give some clarity to the emotional weight of my addiction. I may not hear any more til after the holiday, though. So...I wait.