Monday, November 10, 2008

Sorry, but......

Why does it happen this way?? I suppose it's some "divine" way of telling me I need to work on something by smacking me over the head with it again and again. Last night, as I mentioned in my prior post, I had an image of XBF and I together and I felt so sad; a longing for the times we were together and happy.

This morning I was driving DD to school and she said something about her favorite Angelina Ballerina movie. Said something about Angelina's daddy. *Pregnant Pause* I knew it was coming. She made a comment about her own Daddy. It's been a while since she's mentioned him. It was a passing comment that didn't require more than just my quick acknowledgement.

I pick her up from school today and what's in her art folder? My least favorite project (other than Father's Day). The Family Tree. Mommy. DD's name. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. Blank leaf. God it fucking breaks my heart.

And then tonight, after dinner, we're watching Dora together and there's this part at the end when Dora always says "What was your favorite part?" and waits for your response. DD said "My favorite part was when Boots got to hug his Daddy. Mama, next time can I hug my Daddy again?"

I know, I know.....I know I'm a good Mom. I know she's better off with no father than a crappy one. I know it all. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like garbage that she doesn't have a father. I wanted so much more for her.

I reached out to my BFF tonight and I'm sitting here avoiding calling her back. Isn't it crazy? I know I need to talk. I make the first move by sending her a text message and then I immediately start trying to talk myself out of it. You don't need anyone. Who wants to hear your problems? Do you really want to admit your weaknesses? What good will it do? Just deal with it on your own. Blah blah blah blah blah. Broken record.


Angel said...

((Perfect)) It's not supposed to be your guilt. It should be his.
Children know what our buttons are, don't they?

Strong and determined said...

Reach out to your friend. It will help to talk things through. (I say this as I sit here wishing I would reach out to my friends and TALK about what I am going through) I love reading your posts because it feels like someone else knows e-x-a-c-t-l-y how I am feeling about being alone. Needing someone to talk to, but telling myself that I can handle it alone. I totally get it.

As for the comments from your daughter - she has a great Mommy and is better off without 'him' in her life. It might take many years for her to see that fact - but that doesn't change the truth.

Shannon said...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult night. It's completely understandable. I think that I would've felt the same way when I saw the blank leaf.

But, you know what? I really believe that as she grows older, she'll recognize that it's mom who shelters her most during life's storms, and she'll view you as the roots, the sturdy branches and the leaves of all her life!

Tamara (TC) said...

Oh, (((((Perfect))))),

It breaks my heart that it breaks yours. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for you to not be able to do anything to give your daughter a good father. Yes, you are a wonderful mother. I believe your daughter realizes that now and will really appreciate it as she grows up.

So very sorry that this happened. I have to question whether it is really good for little kids to be doing family trees in school. There are so many definitions of family these days that I would think that might be something the teachers want to stay away from. Either way, it is done.

Sending you many, many hugs,