Monday, December 15, 2008
My weekend was a little nutty. In fact, all of last week was pretty rushed and busy. Friday is my usual grocery shopping night but, after 3 days of rain and flooded roads, Friday brought drastically plummetting temperatures and icy roads. I wanted to get us home as quickly as possible. I spent time organizing Friday night which was helpful. My house is a disaster!
Saturday AM, I had to help my Mom put together trays of cookies that we baked. I couldn't help for long as I had things that needed to be done including, God help me, going to the mall. Saturday afternoon + 12 days before Christmas + mall. You do the math. But I had to drop off an Angel Tree gift and they were only there from 12 -5. From there, birthday party for Bianca's friend til 5pm. And then a few other "busy-errands" on the way home. Sunday I had to sing at a different church which is about an hour away. Then they take us out to brunch as a thank you. Then back to my Mom's house to pick up the trays that I need to deliver. I was so exhausted. I layed down on a huge oversized chair she has. Bianca sat with me and we watched some Noggin while my Mom cooked dinner for both of us. Bianca kept leaning over and kissing my forehead which was the sweetest thing EVER. After dinner, my Mom cleaned up and she baked some fresh cookies for us while we decorated her little tree. Then all 3 of us sat on the living room floor and admired Bianca's tree decorating skills, eating warm cookies and singing "Deck the halls" (By the way, in Bianca's book the song goes "Deck the Halls with blah-blah-blahby, fa la la la la la la la la. Tis the season to say Hi-Ya, fa la la la la la la la la!)
I guess this is the shift in how I've been thinking about the relationship with my Mom. I was so relaxed being there. And I felt so mothered in a really nice way. It's not in my nature to let anyone "do" for me, especially my Mom because I've been so busy spiting her all this time. I know how much she wants to mother and I never wanted to let her since she didn't do it right when I needed her to. Boy was I an idiot, lol. That was the best feeling. While I never see us being mother/daughter "buddies", it's nice to know that I can let down my guard and enjoy her for who she is and what she can bring to my life, and Bianca's life, now. And I think it's important for Bianca to see a better relationship forming between me and my Mom. I'm sure she is learning things about how mothers and daughters relate by watching us. I don't want her to see all the negativity that has been there for so long.
I guess this is the "head" letting down into the "heart". For so long, I've known that the anger I held at my Mom did not serve any good. I knew that trying to spite her was benefitting no one. But I could not let it go. I didn't know how to "forgive" her and let her into my life on any more than a surface level. I couldn't see past the black & white of either keeping her at a distance or letting her in completely. And look what happened.....just like Susan said it would. I always demand from Susan "How?? How do I get it from head to heart??" She tells me "You stay in the present, keep aware and it will shift eventually." Whatta ya know? She was right. What I had been doing, holding onto the anger, was exactly what Eckhart Tolle calls "keeping the pain body alive". I wanted to keep that pain, anger, disappointment fresh in my mind day in and day out, hurting myself, hurting her. And for what? Who needs it? I know my Mom is sorry about what happened. I know she's incapable of making any other choices no matter what I wish for. But in learning to accept her limitations....her "human-ness"....and appreciate her good qualities, I have less anger and more peace in my life. And isn't that what healing is all about?