Forlorn

1a: Bereft, Forsaken b: sad and lonely because of isolation

2: nearly hopeless

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Yep. That pretty much describes how I feel. I got a call back from LaurieAnn at Renfrew. She is the one who did my intake evaluation a couple weeks ago. She called me back with her recommendations, which are as follows:

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1. A dietician

2. A pshychiatrist

3. The evening group at Renfrew for emotional eaters

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Here is how I feel about that:

1. I don't need to know what to eat. I know what is good for me and what is not. I understand what healthy balanced eating looks like. What I don't know how to do is control addiction based zone-outs when I binge without realization or care. Last I checked, this was not the area of dietician expertise. I said to her "I don't understand this suggestion." and she said "It's perfectly acceptable that you don't understand it." You know what?? Don't try that on me because I'm a Mom and I've been in therapy too long for the gloss-over answer to work on me. So NO. No, it's not perfectly acceptable that I don't understand it because I'm a "Why" girl and if I don't understand it, I'm not going to do it.

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2. Just the word makes me shudder from past experiences. I asked her why I would need a psychiatrist and what benefit that has over my long term trusted relationship with Susan (my T). LaurieAnn says because a psychiatrist can prescribe medication. I'm already ON medication. I can hear LaurieAnn rifling through my papers on the other end as she mumbles "Yes, you're on....umm.......but clearly it's not doing a very good job" Really? It's not? Because the meds I'm on are for panic attacks and mine are now pretty few & far between. So, as far as I'm concerned, the meds are doing their job. And correct me if I'm wrong but there is no med you can RX to me that will make my addiction go away. I wish I *were* wrong about that. In any case....see the end of #1 above....this is another one I don't understand and have no real desire to try without a reasonable explanation that makes me think it could be helpful.

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3. Yes, the group that I've agreed would be excellent for me but that I have absolutely no ability to attend thanks to childcare limitations. But thank you for your suggestion that I call the local high school to see if a total stranger 16 year old wants to come to my home and take care of my baby. Don't think so.

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She seemed very agitated and nervous. I wonder how long she has been doing this, really. Or if she just felt the coldness in my tone. I'm pretty shut down to the whole thing at this point and feeling like I just need to do it alone. I know part of that is old.....I've been disappointed and I don't want to try to reach out again. I don't want to make myself vulnerable in, God help me, THREE new situations all at one. And, for crying out loud....how much extra time and money do you think I have to see and pay for all these co-pays for specialists, new meds, babysitters?

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Okay....as I was sitting here mulling this all over, I was feeling many different things. Anger at LaurieAnn for not taking my statement seriously enough to give me an answer. Fear...real fear at opening up for help and having it not work again. "Old stuff"...self protective, shut down, deal with it alone stuff. And then realizing I was feeling old stuff, I tried to see past those fears into rational, present day solutions. And the biggest thing I felt, in the end, was this nagging thought that I'm trying to throw roadblocks. Blech I hate to admit this.....I'm trying to find ways to make this impossible so that #1: it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of "no one can help me, I'm all alone in the world" and #2: so I don't really have to face change.

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So I called Renfrew and asked to leave a message for Rena who is the other intake evaluator. She did my eval last year. To my surprise, Rena actually picked up the phone. I told her I felt very dissatisfied by LaurieAnn's explanation of the recommendations and reiterated that if I don't understand WHY you are recommending something, I am not likely to pursue it. If I think it's futile because you've failed to explain why it could be helpful, then I have no motivation to seek it out. So here is what Rena told me:

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1. "Dietician".....first off, Rena was quick to dismiss that term and say Nutritionist instead. And a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders because they are out there. Who knew? She did alot of explaining about this but her final statement is what sold me. She said "you have to speak to someone who represents the food" That while food itself it not the root of my problem, it's where my problems manifest. And, admittedly, I give food essentially human qualities in my world. It does mean so much more to me than just nourishment. So that makes some sense, now. At least enough for me to try it.

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2. Psychiatrist. She said all she's asking is that I go for an initial evaluation, not an ongoing regimine in place of counseling. While my GP (who RX's the Effexor) may be great at her job, she's not a psych with a full knowledge of cutting edge phych drugs. Rena said there actually are certain medications that can help with the urge to binge. And again, there are doctors in this field who specialize in eating disorders. Alright.....I guess......(feeling my roadblocks being knocked over one by one....WHY did I call her, again? I was so miserably content up there on my self-righteous high horse.....)

3. Emotional Eating group. LaurieAnn had told me this was a 3 night a week program from 6-8. In fact, it's only one night a week from 6:15 - 7:30. It happens to be Tuesday nights....which means I would have to give up choir. I hate the thought of that because it's one of few things I really enjoy. But, Rena said, this is not forever. She said make a 2 month commitment to it and put choir on a small hiatus. Honestly, I can do that....and if ever there were a time for me to do it, it's January. We don't have anything big again til Easter. And really, I can still perform the few Sundays we'll sing in that time. Okay....so now the fear of finding someone to care for my baby. But it's now only 1 night a week, for a few hours and I'd be home in time to put her to bed. Soo....that brings my neighbor back into possibility, maybe. And, if not her, there is another neighbor I'm friendly with who has 2 daughters. She's offered up sitting services in the past. There is a college near me. An older girl would make me feel a little better than a teen. And Rena offered some realistic suggestions on a slow integration of this person to make us all more comfortable. As I allow myself to breathe and let my guard down......I can admit it sure would be nice to have a local person who I trust to watch Bianca. Maybe I could actually do some grown up things once in a while, too.

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All of a sudden this seems like more of a possibility. It excites me and scares the crap out of me at the same time. Maybe I should change the name of the post to "Yikes"?? I suppose I need to get back to work now....I sure hate opening my office door after I've been crying. I'm soooo transparent when I'm upset. My eyes, nose, mouth & chest will stay red for another hour. Curse this Irish skin.