Stop. Look. Listen.

This is the approach they use in Bianca's daycare when the kids get too rowdy and are not listening to the teachers. The bell is rung. The kids must stop what they are doing, look at the teachers and listen to what is being said.

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I tend to be a "know-it-all" because of this deep seated fear of appearing "stupid" or inferior. I detest asking for advice. I detest not knowing everything. I'm sure it's an annoying habit and I try very hard to bite my tongue when I need to. Mostly, I avoid it by not asking for advice....

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As I prepare to take the next step to dealing with my eating disorder, it occurs to me that I'm gearing myself up to be the "know-it-all" again. I find myself labeling some of my habits or activities... "This is unhealthy; this is a trigger; this habit needs to be changed" I find myself particularly motivated to finish my eating disorder book and watch a series of programs on my TiVo about emotional eating. I actually envision myself going to see the nutritionist and basically telling her what my problems are and what the solutions to my problem are. ie: "you can't tell me anything I don't already know."

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I need to ring the bell on myself. I need to Stop, Look and Listen. I need to let my guard down and I need to open myself up to listening and hearing someone else. The most difficult step of all....I have to admit that I, in fact, do NOT know it all and I can benefit by learning from someone else. It doesn't make me weak. On the contrary, it makes me stronger to accept help.

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It's funny that I take steps toward getting help, recognizing it was "old" fears and thought patterns that were trying to lock me into the "I am all alone in the world" mentality. Yet when I recognize that and choose to take a leap of faith toward getting help, I continue to try to solve it on my own at the same time. I need some serious letting go.....I need to surrender. Oh my gosh....first step of overcoming addiction. I need to admit that I am powerless. Oy yoy yoy, that is HARD to wrap my brain around.

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I am going to lay out my plan in writing just to take it to the next level and give myself some accountability.

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1. Call health insurance: see what they cover for a nutritionist

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2. " " : find out if they will cover psychiatrist under medical or mental health and if I'll be allowed to see a psych as well as therapist.

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3. Go on health insurance website and print out lists of participating nutritionists & psychiatrists in my area and email them to Renfrew to see if any of their preferred people are on there. Actually, scratch that.....I'm going to email Renfrew and ask for a list of their preferred people in my 2 towns and match it up to my health insurance list. Seems easier that way.

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4. Begin process of finding child care:

(a) Ask neighbor #1 if she can do it, if they know anyone else in neighborhood who does it or if any of their daycare teachers might be interested.

(b) Ask neighbor #2 about her daughter doing it.

(c) Look on website &/or make contact with local college child development program.

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My goal is to begin following through on Renfrew's recommendations by the week of 1/12/09.

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PS.....is it really, really bad that after writing this all I can think of is swiping the package of Oreos out of the collection box for the food bank outside of our office?!?!? I mean, this is for people who don't get to eat regularly....surely, I should save them from the empty calories of evil cookies and replace them with things like applesauce and oatmeal, right? Public service.....??? No?? *sigh*