Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bouquet or Field: The building of a bridge.
The perspective of another can be so enlightening. I ended up having a phone session with Susan, my T, on Saturday morning. We'd had quite the snow storm the day & night before and I didn't want my Mom to have to brave the back roads from her house to mine just to babysit for an hour. Though it would have been nice to see Susan face to face. Oh well.
When I spoke to her, I told her I was doing well and we discussed various things. I feel like the conversation I had with Renfrew was a big turning point for me. When I spoke with LaurieAnn and felt so disheartened, I recognized those old feelings for what they were. And instead of letting them shut me down, I took a step to conquer them and move forward toward healing myself. It was extremely empowering. I feel there has been a trickle down effect in other things. I feel like the head to heart bridge is finally being built. And that is HUGE. Like monumentally, enormously, overwhelmingly HUGE. I've spent my life being an intellectual. Which I don't mean as a brag or a compliment. I mean I've tried so hard to "out think" the feelings instead of just accepting them as part of me. And I've questioned over and over and over again.....how do I make what I know in my head work it's way down to my heart? "Just feel it," Susan would say, "just feel it." GOD how I hate that answer. The whole point was that I didn't want to feel it. I just wanted it to *boom* be there in my heart with no journey in between. What a mistake that desire was. Because if it hadn't taken the journey then I'd not be ready for it. And I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling as much as I am. For anyone who struggles with this, I tell you....it's worth the wait.
When I spoke to Susan about opening up to various experience, such as my recent appreciation of being mothered, she likened it to this. Imagine you have in your hands a beautiful bouquet of flowers. And you are so intent on keeping those flowers safe that you don't realize you are standing in a field filled with flowers. You can hold on to the little bit that you have or you can open yourself up to the possibility of so much more. I choose to drop my bouquet and experience the field. My senses are tingling. I feel so much right now and you know what? It's not even all that scary. It's been scary in the past but I feel excited. I feel hopeful. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this slip by without sucking every ounce of opportunity out of it. I know I've more work to do but I am changing and it feels freeing. No, it *IS* freeing.