Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bouquet or Field: The building of a bridge.

The perspective of another can be so enlightening. I ended up having a phone session with Susan, my T, on Saturday morning. We'd had quite the snow storm the day & night before and I didn't want my Mom to have to brave the back roads from her house to mine just to babysit for an hour. Though it would have been nice to see Susan face to face. Oh well.
When I spoke to her, I told her I was doing well and we discussed various things. I feel like the conversation I had with Renfrew was a big turning point for me. When I spoke with LaurieAnn and felt so disheartened, I recognized those old feelings for what they were. And instead of letting them shut me down, I took a step to conquer them and move forward toward healing myself. It was extremely empowering. I feel there has been a trickle down effect in other things. I feel like the head to heart bridge is finally being built. And that is HUGE. Like monumentally, enormously, overwhelmingly HUGE. I've spent my life being an intellectual. Which I don't mean as a brag or a compliment. I mean I've tried so hard to "out think" the feelings instead of just accepting them as part of me. And I've questioned over and over and over do I make what I know in my head work it's way down to my heart? "Just feel it," Susan would say, "just feel it." GOD how I hate that answer. The whole point was that I didn't want to feel it. I just wanted it to *boom* be there in my heart with no journey in between. What a mistake that desire was. Because if it hadn't taken the journey then I'd not be ready for it. And I wouldn't be able to enjoy this feeling as much as I am. For anyone who struggles with this, I tell's worth the wait.
When I spoke to Susan about opening up to various experience, such as my recent appreciation of being mothered, she likened it to this. Imagine you have in your hands a beautiful bouquet of flowers. And you are so intent on keeping those flowers safe that you don't realize you are standing in a field filled with flowers. You can hold on to the little bit that you have or you can open yourself up to the possibility of so much more. I choose to drop my bouquet and experience the field. My senses are tingling. I feel so much right now and you know what? It's not even all that scary. It's been scary in the past but I feel excited. I feel hopeful. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this slip by without sucking every ounce of opportunity out of it. I know I've more work to do but I am changing and it feels freeing. No, it *IS* freeing.


mile191 said...

This is beautiful. Thank you for submitting it. I will use it. Look for the BC post on Friday, and many happy healing moments coming your way. Hugs, mile 191

Marj aka Thriver said...

Thank you so much for letting us use this wonderful sharing for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. "The head-to-heart bridge," huh? What a perfect, right-on expression. I'm glad that this changing is freeing for you. You are worth it and you deserve it!

VICKI IN AZ said...

I find myself Breathless at the end of this I am so carried away in your experience and determination.
Thank You so much for sharing it with the Blog Carnival so that I could read it.
If you have any other posts that I just have to read, will you let me know?
Hugs to you,

Colleen said...

Beautiful. I want to remember that flowers in the field story. Blessings.

Patricia Singleton said...

Yes, you caught the beauty of the journey exactly. Like you, I didn't always want to hear "Just feel it." For so many years, I lived in my head only and in doing so, I missed so much of my own life, not today. Today, I fully experience it all. Feeling brings me freedom to be all that I am.

Kim said...

Thank you everyone for the comments. I'm glad it touched some other people as well.