Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Better Choice

As evidenced by my last post, I am so quick to judge myself and I can be pretty brutal. So, today, I'm going to take a minute to recognize that I made a good move last night. B has had a rough school year so far. When she is not happy in school, everything suffers. She has difficult days in class, she doesn't do her homework, she is cranky with an attitude, less focused, more resistant to getting up in the morning . It's maddening at every turn and I feel so powerless. Add to that the fact that she is a tough nut.....pretty buttoned up.

Pausing here to recognize how utterly uncomfortable I feel as I teeter on the cusp of giving myself some positive recognition. I want to just scrap the whole thing! A little grounded breathing and I'm determined to continue.

I thought to myself yesterday, and have had this realization before, I am more like my father than I care to admit with the temper and the feelings of inferiority. I can actually relate to him and why he did and said many of the horrible, abusive, damaging things he did. I've had to fight the temptation to follow in his footsteps before. And there is the difference. I fight them. I hate that I even have those feelings but at least thinking them and doing them are two different things.

B didn't do her homework last night for the umpteenth time in the past couple weeks. I was very quiet, I needed time to think, to calm down. She had a karate class then we came home & she finished her homework. And then I sat with her and told her how I believe she is so smart, talented, creative and clever. I asked her what I could do to help her succeed. I talked to her about my expectations....not that she be perfect or do everything right....but that she try her best and always, always come to me or another adult when she needs help. What she said she wanted from me was to be home to help her with her homework. Oooooohhhhhhh the GUILT. We talked about why that can't be right now and I told her I did plan to take away privileges due to her poor choices with schoolwork this week. She was upset but took it well enough. She cried, we hugged and I feel good. I know this doesn't end the struggle but I made a choice for love, compassion and kindness. And that is something my father would never do.  And I know when I make those choices of love for her, I am also parenting my own inner child....who I despise so vehemently. So....go, me!  A better choice.  Baby steps.

1 comment:

kate1975 said...

Hi Kim,

I wanted to say that I love your post. So important and I relate to it so much. I also understand how hard it is to honor your own steps in healing and to acknowledge them.