Friday, October 25, 2013

I never make the same mistake twice.....

I make it five or six times.  You know, just to be sure. 

Didn't I JUST say I was high on taking back my power with A??  Yes, I sure did.  He and I had a little exchange the other night and I flat out asked him to tell me what "really" happened the weekend that he cancelled plans on me.  I prefaced it with some statements that made it crystal clear I did not believe him.

Now, in my mind, before I did this.....the intended outcome was inevitable.  We all know he was lying.  By my approaching him in this way, letting him know that I was fully aware it was untrue and that I wasn't going to freak out about it, it would certainly open the door for him to come clean with me and we would have an awesome holding-hands-round-the-bonfire, kumbaya kind of moment where he would confess to me all his fears and reservations about meeting his daughter.  We would move forward into a deeper understanding of one another and this unfamiliar place we find ourselves in.

My mind never considered the fact that he would hold true to his story and get pissed off at me for accusing him of being a liar.  Really??  I NEVER considered any other outcome??  Has my experience with this man taught me nothing at all?  Apparently not.

So there you have it.  He stuck to his guns, gave me a more detailed version of his story and was angry with me for thinking otherwise.  And then, there I am......what do I do with this predicament??  I am certainly not going to apologize or grovel when I know the truth!!  But then.....I start to I SURE what I believe is the truth?? Is it POSSIBLE that he is being honest??  I begin to doubt my instinct (which, let's face it, has historically been complete crap when it comes to him) and wonder if I am all wrong.  The only thing I am certain about is that I went about this foolishly and I regret asking him.  Eventually we put it behind us.  I had to do a small amount of smoothing over without actually apologizing or saying I believed him. 

I will still call this a positive event because #1 he knows that I know it was crap even if he doesn't admit it.   But more importantly, #2 I have a better idea of where he is.  Which is totally not ready.  And again, I recognize he is in the driver seat.  I just have to buckle up and hold on for the ride without knowing how long it will be.  #3 I just learned to keep my mouth shut and allow him to go through his motions even when they are remarkably idiotic.  It's hard for him too, in his own ways. 

I desperately wanted that conversation that I so unrealistically saw resulting from my confrontation..... I just felt like it would be nice if he would let me know where he is at.  If you lie to me and claim the only reason you were not able to show up is because your wife was sick, then you leave me under the assumption that you are ready to meet your daughter.  I am likely to believe another opportunity is imminent.  If you cancelled because you are not ready to do this then, in your mind, this could be years down the road. It just would be nice to be privy to the timeline that exists in his head.  It would be nice if he believed he could talk to me.  It would be nice if we could, for once, be on the same page. 

God, I hate this. 

No comments: