Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Roller Coaster

What a bunch of anxiety, ups & downs the past couple days have been.  We went to visit Bs godfather who is in the same state as her bio-father.  That was already planned and provided the basis for my offer to visit her father.  We would be driving right by him on the way home on Sunday.  We'd texted earlier in the week.  I told him on Tuesday that it was on, we would definitely be in the area on Sunday,  He didn't reply at all.  I reached out to him again on Thursday.  I said "hi" and he responded within seconds.  Then I asked him about Sunday.  He didn't reply for about 2 hours and then it  was a positive response, asking when & where.  I told him and he said he would say it's "ok for now and would let me know if any changes by Sat morning."  I didn't hear from him all day Sat.  I texted him at 9:30pm & asked him if he had any thoughts on where to meet.  He replied at 12:20am, asked me how much time we had to spend.  I said I had no time constraints.  At 2am, he replied  "I've got a window of time...I want to see her - so when I get off, I'll be in touch." 

Now, let me say....I hadn't slept much the prior 2 days.  I had a long drive that morning, a full day with Bs godfather.....who is a man I utterly ADORE.  We have been best of friends for 10 years and our relationship would take several blog posts to describe the beauty of.  After we put B to bed, he and I stayed up drinking and talking and just enjoying one anothers company.  He's been a critical part of this unfolding situation with Bs father, giving me advice at every step.  We went to bed around midnight.  I could NOT sleep.  I had too much coffee during the day and my heart was pounding.  I was drunk.  My brain was going nonstop.  At that point I'd sent the text to A (her father) and not yet heard back.  Also I was sharing a bed with B and she was beating the snot out of me.  Kicking, punching, grabbing in her sleep.  At one point she actually reached out, grabbed my ear, crumpled it up like a piece of garbage and then smacked me upside the head!!  WTH???  So at 1:15 I finally got up and took something to help me sleep.  His 2am text came just about the time I fell asleep.  I woke up at 4:30 and saw it.  I was ecstatic.  And terrified.  And I couldn't fall back to sleep at all.  I finally got out of bed around 5:30 and got myself ready for the day.  I went through such a myriad of emotions, imagining how this would go.  Pondering how to tell Bianca, anticipating what her emotional needs would be at the end of the day as well as going forward.  I grinned, I cried, I ran the gamut of emotions but mostly felt excited that, after 9 long years, she was about to meet her father for the first time. 

I finished getting ready and then returned to the bedroom where my phone was.  And at 6:25, he texted me again......cancelling our plans.  He claimed that his wife was sick and had to go to the hospital and that he was "so, so sorry".  I think I read it three times to be sure I was seeing it right and then.....I came down the hill of the rolller coaster.  Waaaayyyyy down.  Bianca was downstairs watching tv at that point.  J was in his room reading the paper.  I went in and sat on his bed and showed him the texts.  He comforted me as I cried but then B came upstairs and killed that moment!  I said that I didn't believe he would mss with me like that.  J said he wouldnt give A that kind of credit.  I realized afterwards J thought  meant that I didn't think A was lying about his wife being ill.  So let me be clear....I absolutely believe that is a lie.  I'm sure of it.  What I meant is that I don't believe he would mess with me by saying yes a few hours earlier if he had no intention of following through.  I think he chickened out and I just wish he woud have had the balls to say "I'm not ready, I can't do it."  He and I have made such strides in the past 2 months, having better conversations than we ever had in the history of our realtionship.  This is such a monumental step backwards.  Despite the fact that I believe this excuse to be a lie I replied to A simply "Sorry to hear that, hope everything is ok."

We reluctantly left Js house....it's always so hard to say goodbye.  I was bone weary exhausted between 2 1/2 hours sleep and the emotional ups & downs of the day.  Fortunately, I was able to pass off my tears as sadness about leaving J.  We got on the road and stopped for coffee a bit later.  My brain was definitely going.  I sat at the coffee shop for a bit pondering my next move.  I looked at his wife's facebook page (yes....I spy on them).  She is a fairly regular poster and seems to never miss a chance to share bad news (albeit in one of those vague "ask me more" type of statuses that annoy me so) so I figured if this woman was sick at the hospital, there would be something on her FB page about it.  But there was nothing. Thinking that A must be in turmoil about this (or at least, hoping he was), I decided to give it one more try. I texted him saying "I know you have some things to handle this morning.  It's just tearing me up to see such a perfect opportunity pass. We have nothing else on the agenda today and I can easily delay the drive home to be around later if that would help."  I really was just trying to get into his head and make him flip back again to wanting to see her.  He replied "me too, I'm trying"  Trying what??  I wasn't sure what that meant so I said "I'm not clear what you mean....do you want me to hang around for a bit?"  He said "I think I'm out for today." And that was that.  We went home.  B none the wiser.  Me crushed and disappointed and disgusted. 

So.  I see this as the end of this chapter.  I'm leaving it alone for now.  The door is still open but he will have to be the one to make the next move.  I self medicated last night with wine and ice cream while watching the Walking Dead premier.  Then I thankfully had a great nights sleep for the first time in days.  I believe it will be a while til I hear from him.  I am.....okay.  She and I have made it this far alone.  It will unfold in one way or another and there is nothing I can do to force it.  Still.....my hopes were so high.  It hurts.

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