Friday, October 11, 2013

Just talking this out......

So I've taken another step forward in the possibility of Bianca meeting her father this weekend.  My plans with my other friend are firm and I reached out to A (her father) to let him know.  At first he didn't respond.  I didn't take that as a good sign.  I gave him a couple days and then followed up with him.  It took him a while to answer me and when he did, it was tentatively positive.  He says he's "ok with it for now" and it anything changes, he will let me know tomorrow.  Maybe I'm being naive but I feel like he is really thinking about it.  There is a lot at stake from several different angles.  He is the one who acknowledged that to me when we saw one another at court.  I didn't have to spell it out to him.  He seemed like he had a firm grasp on the weight of the situation. 

I am trying to ride this line between being prepared for the meeting without getting my hopes up and heart set on it.  I have not told Bianca yet and I won't tell her til we are on our way.  Writing is so good for me.  I was about to talk about all the reasons I have been mulling over in my head about how and when to tell her.  I've been thinking....I won't tell her until the three of us are together. 

I didn't want to put this huge emotional mountain in front of her and get her all worked up knowing that is what's about to happen. 

I wanted to give her a chance to be herself with him and not feel pressured to "perform" be extra charming or funny or anything other than what she is.  She does this sometimes....seems to feel like she needs to entertain people.  I didn't want her feeling any of that expectation.

Go ahead and tell me he doesn't deserve it after what he's put her through but I felt like I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a part of that moment.  To see her reaction when she learns who he is.  This is hard on both of us in our own ways and I recognize he's taking some huge steps and making some personal sacrifices if he does follow through and I guess I see it as a "reward" for that?

I wanted to come here and write more about that because I wasn't quite sure if I was navigating my feelings and reasons correctly.  But before I started typing out all those reasons, I realized the real reason.  While these other statements are true.....the most glaring reason is that I simply don't trust him to follow through.  I am afraid he will not show or at the last minute will change his mind, get cold feet or lose his nerve.  Until I see him face to face, I simply do not believe it will happen.  I can't say that fear is unrealistic based on past experience and absolutely a solid reason for Bianca's well being. 

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