Uncomfortable

I am so uncomfortable.  Also, can I just sideline to say I have looked at the words "comfortable" and "uncomfortable" so many times now in searching images and quotes that they now look totally weird to me. 

Anyway.....Every since my weekend trip, I am in quite a state.  Let me qualify this by making VERY clear that I am NOT by any means, under any circumstances or by any stretch of the imagination a patient woman.  One of my very favorite e-cards asks "Why is patience a virtue?  What can't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue?"  Yep, that's pretty much my philosophy. 

So, if nothing else on this journey, I feel like learning patience, or at the very least, learning to live with the discomfort I feel while waiting for things to unfold, is part of the plan.  The lesson.  I really do appreciate the value of the life lessons but don't you wonder when they are done and you just get to bask in the glory of all the growth and knowledge??

I have not heard from A since he said he could not meet Bianca.  As I said in the last post, I feel like this is the close of one chapter.  I have no idea if I will hear from him next week, next month or in a couple years.  My door is still open but I know I can't make him walk through it.  It's on him.  I've done everything, and then some, to bring him to the door.  Every day, I feel like precious time is wasting.  Every day of her life without a dad, I fear for the desires building inside her.  I fear for the ways she will seek to fill that void.  I think about the ways I tried to fill my own father void and it breaks my heart wondering if she will do the same.  I know that everyone tells me how great she is and that I'm a good mom.  She IS great.  I do what I can as her mom.  Yet, I cannot be all things.  There are things that children need from BOTH parents.  I wish he could see these things instead of continuing to tell himself that she's in good hands with me.  He is rationalizing and excusing his absence in her life.  And I know that there is more to it than that.  Seeing her would open up a whole can of worms in his marriage and with his other children.  I don't at all discount that.  But B is my baby and she is my focus.  And forgive me for feeling it.....but his kids have had him for a lifetime.  My daughter hasn't had a father one day of her life.  I want to tell him that.  But....I won't.  I can't.  I have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And be okay with the waiting and the discomfort and the not-knowing and the complete utter lack of control over this situation.  Not exactly my favorite place to be. 

Now for Uncomfortable #2.  Seeing J always throws me into a bit of a tailspin.  How is it that I manage to miss him the most after I've just seen him?  We have been friends for ten years.  I unequivocally love this man with my whole heart, to the depths of my very soul.  I have no idea what to do with all of that.  He is my best friend.  I would never, in a million years, want to lose that or damage it in any way.  But I so often wonder.....what if....??  Over the past two or so years, our bond has deepened.  Is our distance the total epitome of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?  Or, if we were in each other's space more often, would we be together?  Could we be together?  I have never known two people who are more "peas in a pod" yet so completely different.  I worry that I am fooling myself.  He doesn't feel what I feel.  If I ask him, I will make things uncomfortable between us and hurt our friendship.  I worry that I am alone in this feeling....I believe I am not smart enough for him, not fit enough for him, not a lot of things he would want his partner to be.  I look at the scope of his love life over the past ten years and I think he's not interested in or really capable of maintaining a long term relationship.  And then I also think.....or maybe he's just not with the right woman.  Could I be the right woman?  He is such an amazing man.  I don't feel deserving of someone so wonderful!!  What could he possibly see in me?? 

Since we parted, I cannot get him out of my head.  We started off in a more romantic way when we first met and then changed paths to just friends.  I got pregnant the following year and we've stayed close friends since.  He is B's godfather.  He is my go-to.  I think he knows me better than anyone else.  To the point that it can become unnerving to me!  I can't ever fool him.  Even in moments when I am fooling myself, he is on to me.  Because I became a mom so early in our friendship and visits have usually centered around B, we've not explored the "other" side of our relationship in a long, LONG time.  But when I was there last weekend, we did.  He called it the big, giant, pink, purple, striped elephant in the room.  The lingering attraction that has always been.  How did we manage to build such a real, true friendship with that ever present?  I don't know.  But we did.  Again....is it the fact that we don't see each other often or......what would it be like if we did??  Would that attraction be satisfied and we'd fizzle out?  Does it keep us fueled?  Does the lack of time together make us closer and more appreciative of our connection or does it prevent us from being everything we could be?

I want to ask him these things.  I want to find out where his head is.  He told me over the weekend when things took a turn toward the intimate direction to stop him if it wasn't okay and that someone could hold a gun to his head and he would still never do anything to damage our friendship.  I green lighted him and we.....well, yeah.  You know what we did.  I am Monday morning quarterbacking......things didn't go quite as I would have wanted.  Nothing bad.  But B was there and we were a little limited in what could be done.  I wasn't able to sleep in his bed with him.  I was nervous, honestly!!  I wasn't sure where he wanted to take things and I held back from being as assertive as I would normally have been.  I let him lead completely.  I guess I just felt very unsure which is not like me in that arena.  But because this is HIM.....it was different. 

I've gone through my promiscuous times.  The previous couple years, I was there.  But this past year, I've not been with anyone.  I've wanted more.  The casual dating, recreational sex was not cutting it anymore.  Being with him is so.....fulfilling.  Emotionally.  I crave him.  And I worry about that.  Cripes I worry about everything!  I just don't know where his head/heart is.  I don't know where I stand.  I don't know if I'm alone in all of this.  I'm afraid to ask him.  I'm afraid to NOT ask him!  I want to text him about 10,000 times a day!  I beam when I talk about him or think about him.  And so.....I need to put a little space between us til I settle down, I think.  It is possible he is moving halfway across the country in a month or so for a job.  I may not see him again for a long time.  I feel frantic about trying to see him again before he goes.  I can't put that kind of energy out there.  So where does that leave me??  Living with the discomfort of all these swirling feelings, desires, questions.  No control.  Waiting it out. 

I want to crawl out of my very skin today.