Monday, February 11, 2008

Making a connection

Over the summer, I met a seemingly very cool man on the internet. Nickname: Mr. Cali. We started talking on the phone and I was really into him. He was intelligent, compassionate, hilarious as all get out. We got along like peas in a pod at first. We live on opposite coasts of the US. We were making plans for a visit when I saw his childish temper for the first time. It was a huge red flag. He made amends, apologized for his behavior and we continued talking and making tentative plans to get together in person. I was still in "caution" mode. And then his childish temper reared it's head a second time. And I put an end to that. I could have overlooked a one time or occassional flare up but he quickly demonstrated a bad pattern to me and I knew it was not a healthy place for me to be. After we stopped talking, he left me a few messages that were a little creepy. I know I made the right call.

I want to be in a relationship again. Or so I keep telling myself. I am starting to think that the real truth is that I want to WANT to be in a relationship. But I'm not so sure I really do want it. Or I feel like I need to find a relationship now before I get too "old". After all, the big 4-0 is only a year away. But I don' t put any effort into finding someone. And whenever I do meet someone, I find a reason they are wrong for me. And I think I'm attracting the wrong guys because I'm putting out this half-assed, who-cares energy instead of positive energy.

I've been thinking about Mr. Cali alot lately. I miss our conversations. As I reluctantly peer out into the dating world and see a swamp full of mediocre frogs.....I miss the guy who, for a moment, seemed like a possible prince. And I know he's not that person. I've seen who he is. So why do I miss him? I actually wrote an email to him and then cancelled it just before sending. I was about to ask him if we could possibly be just friends without expectation of anything more. I would like to have his friendship without having to worry about the less pleasant sides of his personality. But I know I'm just asking for trouble if I do that. I'm inviting him to fall for me again. I'm inviting myself to romanticize the reality with him. I'm inviting a "drama" situation that I will inevitably need to extricate myself from. And then I realized what I'm doing. I'm trying to create a pseudo-relationship. A man 3000 miles away who I know still carries feelings for me. Someone I can be "virtually" open with yet not actually risk any real vulnerability, hurt or loss. I'm trying to recruit an imaginary boyfriend, almost. Some of the reward, none of the risk. This is my most favorite and comfortable type of relationship. Where I can control the situation and keep him at an arms length, always carrying the option of dropping the axe on it without a moment's regret and no upheaval to my life. This definitely tells me I feel there is something lacking. But now I need to find the healthy avenue to fulfill what I need.

1 comment:

April_optimist said...

It does feel safer when there's distance, when we know it can't possibly work out. You DO deserve better. The challenge is that we need to find a way to love ourselves first--otherwise we are likely to choose partners who will treat us the way we fear or who are what we think we deserve.

Not easy, I know. It's why after my marriage ended, I've chosen--for now--to be alone. When I did date after the divorce, I could see I was playiing out old patterns that wouldn't be healthy for me or for the guy.

So...I'm making lists of things I like about myself. I'm figuring out who I am and what matters to me. I'm realizing my first question used to be: How can I make him like me? Now I know my first question needs to be: Is this a person who can love and respect me and treat me with kindness? Is this someone who will value who I am--as I am?

But (((hugs))) because it IS hard.