This Is A Test

This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency, panic attack would shortly ensue followed by rapid consumption of Effexor, Xanax, Rescue Remedy, other assorted medical sundries and large quantities of ice cream.
~
All kidding aside....I feel like this IS a test of some of my new skills of staying grounded, staying present and dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
~
The last time I had to deal with a Child Support issue was in August of 2008. It's been well over a year. I like it that way. I like not having to think about it too much. I do check Bianca's bank account regularly to be sure payments are coming in. For the past 2+ months, payments coming in from her biological father have been less than the ordered amount.
~
While I detest the thought of resurrecting the case, I have little faith in the system after my experiences with it. I've fought tooth and nail for every small victory. So, while the underpayment isn't huge and even though I don't need that money for day to day living, I can't let it go unchecked for long. Today I called Dept of Child Support Enforcement. I spoke to a representative who saw no reason for the underpayments...no obvious change in employment status or anything. He said 99% of the time when this happens, it's a change in salary which prompts a reduction in child support payments because, by law, the non-custodial parent must be allowed to take home a certain percentage of thier pay. I am familiar with this law and I also assume it's the reason for the reduction but instead of "Oh, I see", or "Okay, thanks", I say "Uh huh...?" as in "I'm now waiting for you to tell me what you're going to do about it.....??" Brief silence as the man waits for me to give any indication that I'm going to accept that answer and go away. Shhyeah....right. He's obviously not dealt with me before. Finally he speaks "So, I'll send a letter to his state in order to prompt an inquiry and find out what's up." Great, thanks.
~
In the course of conversation, he asks the obvious question...."Are you in contact with the father at all?" I wish. I wish it were that simple. Don't I wish I could just pick up the phone or jot off an email and say "Hey, what's the story?" This brings up all the feelings I have about how I backed into motherhood. It evokes shame in having to admit that I created a life with a man I essentially did not know. It raises the needle on my "Rejection Meter". I must be unlovable for my daughter's father to have nothing to do with us. In times past, I'd probably cave and write him an email, pointlessly hoping that this time would be different. This time, he'd come clean and tell me the truth. This time, he'd ask about his daughter and how she's doing, maybe want to see a picture. Somehow, magically, the email from me would draw out his paternal feelings and he would turn into a standup guy who wanted to do right by his child.
~
Right now, I'm fighting my anxiety. I do not like to wait. I'm the person who, when the computer is "thinking" with the hourglass, I'm clicking *Enter*Enter*Enter* Click*Click*Click Esc*Esc*Esc* Click*Click*Click....Alt-Ctrl-Delete!!!!! AAAaaagggghhhhh!!!! Waiting is painful for me. So to put this latest inquiry into the hands of overworked strangers who don't give a crap about why he pays me less since he is, after all, still paying me and to know that I will probably wait 6 weeks to even hear that maybe they actually did send a letter to his state after all is tough. To give up my attempts to control, drive or rush resolution gives me angst. The angst is what would generally push me to act hastily and email him. Inevitably, I'd get some BS subpar reply from him which would piss me off even more, send me on some ginormic father tangent and land me on my therapist's couch for an emergency session.
~
Today, I'm grappling with the discomfort of knowing it's out of my hands. I am living with the unease of knowing I cannot control it. I accept, with difficulty, that he's nothing more than a DNA donor and I cannot ever expect anything different. I am not contacting him. I am not taking responsibility for the lying bastard he turned out to be. I'm not calling myself names because I chose to believe his well-rehearsed lines. I will focus on the utter joy that is my dimpled, smiley little girl.
~
This is not about me, or anything I did wrong. It's not about my father and how he abused me. It's simply a question about a court ordered financial arrangement. And despite my propensity to snowball one tiny idea into reliving a lifetime of pain and failures, I'll leave it at that one small question. I'll stay grounded. I'll live in the present. And I'll take one giant step forward into my progress.

You Deserve......

I let alot of things roll off my back these days. I try not to soapbox TOO much, particularly when it comes to citing societal woes. But there has been a repetitive message lately in media that is really irking me. It's the "You Deserve" message.

~

I have heard it on the radio:

"...get the lifestyle you deserve."

"...logon to our site for the free gas you deserve."

"...the opportunities you deserve."

"...call now for the free laptop you deserve."

"...because you deserve a stress free life...."

"...the banks are getting it, so call now for the bailout that YOU deserve!"

Or in email:

"Get what you deserve of the government stimulus package"

"You deserve to be debt-free!"

(this one is my favorite) "Get the better breasts that you deserve!"

~

Entitlement.

~

It's so ugly. It's such a displaced idea. Why does anyone "deserve" all these things? And why do we need to continually reinforce the idea that people "deserve" all these great things for nothing? Why do you deserve to be debt free if you've run up all your credit cards and spent irresponsibly beyond your means? Why do you deserve a stress free life when everyone else is stressed? What have you done to deserve that? And better breasts??? Jeeez-Louise!!! Why put the idea in my head that a) there is anything wrong with the ones I've got and b) that I was somehow shortchanged and now I am OWED better than what God gave me!!?!?!

~

Perhaps it makes me angry because I have worked for "things" and I'm perfectly happy with what I have. If I want something, I know I have to plan and find a way to make it happen. I don't think I just deserve to have it just because. Call me crazy or tell me I'm going too far but I think these messages contribute to delinquency and even to crime. I mean what is theft and robbery if not the ultimate declaration of entitlement? You have something I want and I'm taking it from you.

~

Perhaps it makes me angry because I think it clouds over the simple things that I believe people, children, are actually deserving of.....Love. Protection. Security. Guidance. The things that set them up to become strong, decent, confident adults and send them into the world with head high and priorities straight.

Soapbox

Okay, I usually stay pretty much on topic but I need to rant for a moment.
~
Question:
What is this a photo of?
Answer:
A) A 10 year old boy cross dresser with severe scoliosis?
or
B) A model for plus size clothing?

They are equally ludicrous, right?? But the answer is...........
B!!

As a woman who shops plus size, I'm appalled by these models.

(Are elbows really supposed to turn out in that direction??)

(Somebody call Ralph Lauren....they won't have to photoshop this chick....)

~

Really? All the beautiful women in the world and this is what they choose? Does plus size = stupid? Heck yeah, I'm buyin' that blue shirt in size 6XL so I, too, can appear to have a 16 inch waist!! WooHoo, bring on the Pringles and Twinkies!!! :o)

On The Cusp

I feel as if I'm at the brink of some potentially huge things in my life and in my healing. A crossroads, of sorts.

~

I have been receiving acupuncture treatments for about 8 weeks now. I sought this avenue in hopes it would help my body energy, my Qi (pronounced Chee), to start moving. It seemed hopelessly stuck and I was holding tremendous tension in a few select areas of my body. I can tell in the short time I've been seeing this Dr that I've had a large improvement. I have had this pain in my shoulder for 10 years and it's been debilitating at times. When I began with this doc, I rated my pain on a 1-10 scale at an 8. Now I rate it at a 3 and there are days I'm pain free. Today he did the official re-evaluation and charted my results against my initial visit. I've had a 40% overall improvement with 13 sessions. Yes, I would say it's working for me! I'm much more in balance. Still not balanced, LOL, but getting better. We've made a plan for the coming 10 weeks which includes my attempting to do some Tai Chi, get more sleep (he gave me a natural sleep aid to help with busy brain nights which I took about 30 minutes ago), and attending a few seminars he gives at his office. Next one is on Trigger Point Stress Reduction....I'm all for that!!

~

An interesting point. He measures different meridians of the body. Last time, I had 4 that were "deficient" (below normal level). This time I had only one. It's the bladder meridian. Dr asked if I had back pain or urinary issues. Nope. He delves futher into his materials to see what else can cause such a marked deficiency in this area. "Holding onto the past, inability to let go of old ideas" Bingo!!

~

I feel like my primary goal with him is well on it's way. That was getting the Qi to start moving. Now requires some effort from me which will be harder but I know it's worth it. Now we're approaching dealing with my addiction as the next layer of treatment. In his internship, he worked with crack addicts using acupuncture and was moderately successful. If he can have moderate success with crack....surely there is a possibility for him to alleviate my food issues!? Time will tell. Time....and alot of needles in my ears!

~

I say I am at a crossroads because, as I heal and change physically, I now face the question of what to do with that emotionally. If I experience emotions and my Qi flows and the feelings are actually being FELT.....now what?? How do I deal with that? Old coping mechanism says "eat. Binge. Stuff those feelings back down where they belong." If my body stops craving food as a means to disocciate and numb out....well then, do I choose to binge anyhow to avoid feeling? Of course the logical answer is NO....but I become scared. When I don't have the urge to binge, I'm frightened and I want to eat just because it's familiar. I know that I need to sit, breathe, relax and deal with the uncomfortable feelings of fear, anxiety, unfamiliarity. Feeling the feelings is still so threatening to me. Why? Really....why?? What do I think I can't deal with at this point? Nothing. Go back to the cause of the deficient bladder meridian.....I'm simply holding onto old thoughts and fears.

~

Well, the good news is....I have a T appt in 20 minutes so I'll have more to say about that in a bit!!

~

Well....it's really nothing I didn't already know. The thing is that I KNOW the truth in my head. I understand how illogical it is to be "afraid" to change for the better. I know and want all the right, healthy things. So why, why, why is it so difficult to jump over those branches and get to the other side. Unconscious messages, T says. Truly stuck in the unconscious. She said it's such a compelling theory that it fueled a kinetics study. They found that reversal statements helped release the unconscious negative belief. They found that people who made statements of affirmation, without first doing the reversal statement exercise, actually made their condition worse because it essentially pushed the unconscious belief deeper into the psyche. So T gave me a reversal statement to work on which I am to do at least one, hopefully two, cycles of this every day.

~

It's never the quick fix, is it? But this is something I struggle with day in, day out.....the things I know in my head vs the things I can't seem to release from my heart. Anything and everything is worth a try to release myself from this prison.

Look In The Mirror

I had to admit to alot tonight. And it kinda sucked. Okay...it really sucked. But I'm glad to know I can be honest with myself when it's really difficult.
~
I had a phone session with Susan (T) to discuss the prior post and all my confusing feelings about the situation with JH. Susan asked me what I expected when I made these plans with him and I told her that I expected he would keep his plans with us but, if he found he had to cancel, I expected he would let me know and maybe even take the next step to tell Bianca himself. Susan said that my expectations here were reasonable and JH demonstrated that he could not get out of his own way in this situation. Perhaps he was being naive and didn't think through what the court date would mean to his ability to keep his plans. Clearly he handled it badly in communicating to me what was going on. She said maybe he was even trying to "avoid disappointing" us by not coming out and saying "I can't make it." Man thinking, I guess.
~
In any case, I talked about Bianca's disappointment and her emotions and how hard it was for me to help her through that. I was angry at him for bringing this into her world that day. "Hey," Susan says....."first of all, disappointment is a human experience and no one can be protected from it. Second, it's YOUR job to think about Bianca's feelings." Ouch. Susan went on to say that she can't speak for what Bianca is feeling but it's important for ME to work through what I am feeling. What AM I feeling? I don't know what is old and what is new. Susan asked did I feel young when feeling those feelings? If you feel young, the feelings are old. Yes, part of me did feel very young, crushed, dismissed, unimportant. Another part of me just felt "Mama Bear" angry and the rest of me felt stupid for setting this up to begin with.
~
She goes on to say "JH is not her father. He's not YOUR father. He's just a man who had a bad day." The issue was not so much he couldn't go but how he went about it. And there has been this huge expectation backloaded into the mix because of the role "assigned" to him, to be her Godfather. But this is a role and title he ASKED for. Here's what it breaks down to....because of the lack of a father figure, giving him this role now symbolizes something huge. And that gives it enormous power. I want it too much. I need to accept what is. Accepting what is for her really starts with accepting what is for me. JH can't do what he thought he could do and I've now created an inconsistency for her with him. He can't be this powerful emotional presence in her life. He's my friend who visits sometimes. I was not realistic. I didn't keep myself grounded in this. My expectations are so high for anyone involved with her. I feel like a complete and total ass for believing this would work out how I wanted. It seems the harder I try to fill this spot in her life, the more I teach her that people can't be counted on. I've done that to her. That's on me. There is a big trust/distrust issue that comes into play for me anytime a man is involved. Old stuff.
~
I said to Susan "I see this VOID in her life but the truth is it's MY void and I feel responsible to fill it for her." I guess I don't believe I'm enough for her? You know, I chose this path willingly but naively. I chose to bring her into this world a single Mom. I heard her bio-father's words that he was not going to be involved. Somehow in the back of my head I thought either he would come around or I'd find someone else to be a father for her while she was still a baby. Yes, I chose single motherhood but with a completely unrealistic and idealistic expectation for the future. For someone who has been kicked around as much as I have, I sure have some high-ass, Pollyanna, happy-ending optimism, don't I? I am struggling in accepting what is because it's not what I'd planned. Susan said to me "You have to believe she's going to be okay." Ouch again....I realize now that I *don't* believe she's going to be okay. Because I'm not okay. But by holding onto that, I will make SURE she is not okay. At the very least, I just need to accept that she will have a missing piece but I can't feel guilty for wanting to give her life even though it's not "Perfect". Focus on the joy. I'm dwelling in the pain, it's my pain, not hers but I'm going to project it onto her. Susan says you have to feel it but move through it. Come back to present moment.
~
I said it's so hard for me to navigate conversations with Bianca when she talks about missing her Daddy or wishing she had a dad or a grandfather. Susan suggested I just say "I understand" and then distract her. I hate doing that because I don't want to seem dismissive. She said it's okay to validate and move on. I help her work through it by not dwelling on it with her. She gave me a couple more suggestions but said this is too heavy a topic for me and I should not engage with Bianca in a discussion unless it's absolutely necessary and driven by her. Even then, if she's struggling, I should have her see a therapist. (The following exchange was serious, but lighthearted....as I look back on it, I see where it could come across as harsh if I don't explain that. I was laughing and crying at the same time while talking to her.)
Susan said "You have to stay out of her emotional current! Get on dry land....stay out of it! She's not a 'project' for crying out loud!!" She told me to let her live her life and quit seeing the deficit.
I said "But when I look at her, I see ME."
She said "Then quit looking at her and go look in the mirror for heaven's sake!!!"
~
Phew....that was an emotionally packed hour. The more I try to make her life "perfect", the worse I screw it up for her. Why can't I just let it be and let her enjoy her life?? By my actions, I keep telling her she's missing something. I tell her I'm not enough; we are not enough. When will I learn my lesson? When will I accept in my heart that things are just as they were meant to be and we have everything we need?? When will I leave my hurts in the past where they belong and quit dragging them into her little world? I feel like such a failure right now. And I can only plead that "Love makes you stupid"....apparently that is true for non-romantic love as well. I love that child so much and I just want her to be happy. But I'm working too hard to make it happen and losing sight of the fact that we have all we need already. I've sure put alot of energy into making a mess of things.

??????????

My head has been reeling for the past 24+ hours.

~

I've been friends with "JH" for six years. His life has been through some turmoil the past few. I've always done my best to be supportive on his terms, the way I know he prefers.

~

About six months ago, Bianca was going through a rough time with father issues. I reached out to JH, who is a father, for advice. He asked me if he could be more involved in her life. He asked me if he could be her GodFather. I considered it. I told him my concerns and I made him promise me that he would take this seriously b/c I can't have another man in her life to let her down. He promised. And at first he did well. The last time we had plans, about 3 weeks ago, he cancelled on us. He asked if we could make plans for today, going to a huge fair.

~

The turmoil I mentioned above involves custody issues with his ex. It's been ugly for sure. He had court yesterday. Apparently it was a bad day in court and he ended up not coming today. He didn't even come out and tell me. He was being cryptic about it and when I asked him to black & white it for me, he didn't respond. I'm sure, in his (Mars) world, he was clear.....but in my (Venus) world, I was confused. I don't do vague.
~
I'm struggling with feeling angry at him but not understanding if I have the "right" to. He knew he had court when he suggested these plans. He knows how it goes everytime he sees her in court. He did say this was worse than he expected it to be. Here's where I get muddled. In theory I can understand taking care of yourself & your own needs. But it's not something I often do. So I'm sitting here wondering is he doing something healthy & "normal?" Am I being unreasonable that I expect him to put that aside & keep his promise? That is what I would do. Hard for me to understand making a choice for self over the promise to a child. I would feel different if it was just plans for me and him. (I think)

~

Making matters worse Bianca would not express emotion about it at first. She was trying not to show her teary eyes. I was trying to get her to identify how she felt. She got angry & said she didn't feel anything then said she wanted to be alone. I left her alone & she started sobbing. So did I. I went back to her room to show her I was crying too, that it was ok to feel sad and cry. She got onto my lap, hugged me and cried. I'm pissed at him for disappointing my baby. PISSED. And if he felt he had to do it, I wish he would have been man enough to say hey, have her call me in the morning so I can tell her and you don't have to be the one to break the news.

~
And I realize the irony in what I said. I'm upset that Bianca feels the need to repress emotions & I'm angry at JH for not repressing his in order to suck it up & go to the fair! I can't make sense of what are my issues & what are the feelings from his actions. Why I'm entitled to feel my feelings but I'm angry with him for how he's acting on his. I don't know what is appropriate for me to share with him about what I'm feeling. And I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry then he won't be my friend anymore....yeah I know the answer to that last part. I'm feeling vulnerable & I detest it. Feelings. *spit*
~
I'm angry at myself for putting faith in him, for encouraging Bianca to have faith in him. I'm angry at him for consciously committing to be the good-influence, male role model in her life and then breaking his word to her. I feel like this is further "evidence" that people can't be trusted. And frankly, the last thing in the world Bianca needs in her life is another man who can't keep his word. I know this steps on the toes of my own father/men issues and the line is very blurry but mostly I am angry about being left to explain it to Bianca and having to make excuses and comfort the disappointment she's feeling at the actions of someone else. I'm disgusted that he would break his word to her......it's incomprehensible to me and I have no idea if those feelings are completely wrong or displaced. It makes me want to run away from him because I'm hurt and I like to run from people who hurt me and never give them the chance again. Except now I've glorified him in my daughter's mind and I'm just really, really ANGRY at myself for doing that. I am embarassed that his promise to me/her means so little. Like it's another stamp of my apparent unlovability. And for some reason I don't understand at all, I feel intense shame when having to tell my mother about this. Not even trying to delve into that part yet.
~
I totally want to call him and make him feel guilt. I wanted to send pix messages of Bianca crying or have her call JH and ask why he's not here. Then I feel like a creep & bad selfish friend that I want to kick him when he's feeling down!!! Its very conflicting. I don't understand what to do with any of it.

Balance

Balance: stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis; equipoise between contrasting, opposing, or interacting elements; equality between the totals of the two sides of an account; physical equilibrium; the ability to retain one's balance
~
What is this strange feeling? Relaxation? Yes....but there's more. *Gasp* It's balance. I feel balanced.
~
I went for an acupuncture treatment this morning. It was my fourth, if you count the disastrous first experience as a treatment. Which I actually do even though it was not fun. Today....today was better than fun. It verged on magical. It was, dare I say, spiritual. I'm happy to say that I respond really well to acupuncture. So fast that even the Dr is impressed! He put my needles in, felt my pulse and said one was strong and another weak. Asked if I would mind one more needle. Nope, no problem...make me into a porcupine if you want!! He pops the needle in and immediately feels my pulse again and it's already balanced out! He turns down the lights and leaves me for 20 minutes of zen-bliss!!
~
I felt so in touch, so aware yet so peaceful and relaxed at the same time. I, again, had the odd sensations of being "crooked." This time was really strange because my head felt like it was bent as far to the side as it could go yet I could not tell which side it felt bent toward! The longer I was there, the deeper my relaxation. By the time the session was over, I was on the verge of nodding off but I felt like a new woman! It really did take me a few minutes to recognize that the subsequent feeling was balance. I don't often (err umm EVER) feel balanced. Wow, what a lovely feeling!
~
After the session, I grabbed some Starbucks and had a 45 minute drive to think. My BFF, Jennie, has undergone some major progress in her emotional health lately. I'm going to admit that there is part of me that is a little envious of that. Last weekend something happened to her that she was happy about and I did not think it was as great as she did. I realized I've been almost hovering around waiting for some sort of "fallout" on her part. Waiting there to pick up the pieces because that's been one of my roles in her life for a long time. It has gotten better over time and I'd say we've reached a point in the past year or so where it's not totally unhealthy but today I was able to see that there is still an element of codependency there for me. When I'm helping her pick up the pieces of her life, I don't have to think about my own. When she is the one emoting all her fears, frustrations, disappointments there is no room for me to consider my own. I get to fix hers instead. Now that she seems to be really pulling herself together, I think about how that changes our "dance" and how it affects my world. Will I now be the "unstable" one? Will the pressure now be on me to do all the feeling, crying, venting, leaning? Yikes.
~
On the other hand, I find myself really inspired by her progress and it makes me excited to do my own work. She could not have had a happier childhood or more loving parents. Sure they made their mistakes by virtue of being very young when they had her. But they are wonderful people. Our backgrounds are polar opposite so how we ended up with some of the same insecurities is a mystery that makes us both laugh! In any case, I've always taken the role of "big sis" or the "stronger" one. Now I see where she is and I feel that shifting. The prospect of now being the "weaker" one, and leaning on her for help or guidance, is not just unfamiliar.....it's dreadful. I'm not sure how I'm adapting to that. For me, and I'm sure many of you will relate to this, my "strength" is nothing more than my mask. It's nothing more than the sheer force of my determination not to let my feelings get the better of me. Not to be vulnerable. My strength is really my biggest weakness. The strongest, bravest thing I can do is to fall apart and let go. I feel like I'm being challenged....whether it's out of inspiration or competitiveness is another question. I'm not so sure it matters, though, as long as I get to where I need to be. As I proofread this, the thought occurs to me that I don't know why I need to think of us in terms of stronger/weaker instead of just equal individuals with each our own set of traits. I'm going to focus on that! And on the fact that I have her, and a few other "safe" friends who I know I can let down my guard with and not be judged.
~
I haven't seen my T in a few weeks. Since Bianca started school and sports it's been tough to find a mutually agreeable time. I feel in need of her perspective. With the support of acupuncture and getting back into a regular schedule with her, I feel ready to come off my Effexor. I'm hoping to use one of the long holiday weekends to finish that process which means I'll need to start weaning in the next month or two. Which means I have to see my GP Dr. Which means I have to face medical issues I've been avoiding with her. Which means I want to find out when the acupuncture doc will be able to start working on addiction points (those are in the ears....not sure how I feel about needles in my ears!!). It's all tied up in a cyclical pattern which on any other given day could make me crazy and not want to deal with any of it. But I told myself this AM I will not let anything disturb my balance today. So I'm going to remember to breathe deeply and deal with it. One. Step. At. A. Time.

The Well is Empty

So....I survived Thursday and Bianca's first day. I cried for hours after dropping her off. Not just cried, like shedding tears. I sobbed. Wailing sobs. For hours.
~
This is not something that is typical of me. At All. I generally reserve my emotions and cut off or stifle tears as quickly and rigidly as possible. This was beyond control. First of all, the last few weeks have been full of anxiety in preparation for that day. We had a long day on Weds. I barely slept Weds night because I was anxious and I was starting to get sick. All my strengths were down. As I wrote about in my previous post, dropping Bianca off at Kindergarten triggered me in all kinds of ways and the tears that ensued were a deep release of old, tightly bottled pain. I couldn't eat anything that morning. I was feeling pretty weak and run down when I headed off to my first acupuncture appointment.
~
I assumed this was good timing for acupuncture. I felt like I was in a relaxed state after all that had happened so it would follow naturally I'd continue to be relaxed through the appointment. I was very excited for my first experience and to see what it was like. I was also excited for the 20 minutes in a dark room to reach a deep state of relaxation. So my Dr. comes in and explains the process. He tells me he is going to start easy with just a few points and work more on some of my peripheral issues as opposed to jumping into core issues. We're really laying a groundwork at the moment. So I feel a tap on my head like center of the forehead but above the hairline. He asks me how that was and I tell him I felt nothing but a tap. Excellent!! I've mentioned before that I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot. He squeezes a point on my right wrist, tells me to move my left shoulder & how does it feel? Sore, as always. Okay, squeezes another point on my right wrist, now how does the left shoulder feel? Ummmmm....it feels....good?!? So he pops me with a needle in that spot. Proceeds to put in a few more in each wrist/hand and a few more in my lower legs. Only one point "hurt" and I use that for lack of a better word. It was more just like I was aware of an unfamiliar sensation in that spot. Funny to note that, hours later, that spot was madly itchy!
~
Anyway, he takes off my glasses and puts them somewhere on the counter. He turns down the lights to almost nil and tells me to relax, take a nap if I want. I need to "cook" for 20 minutes. So I'm laying there and sensations start abounding. I feel sort of floaty, spinny sensations. I feel "crooked" like my body is in a zigzag pattern. That has happened to me before with body energy work. Next I start to feel like the inside of my chest is cold, like I have a Vicks VapoRub under my skin! Aaaand then I start to feel a little clammy and unpleasant. I lay there, I breathe. Oh boy.....not good. Trying not to disturb the needles, I get up from the table and try to find my glasses which....you know...without them on, I can't see where they are! I feel my way over to the door and poke my head out with a meek "Excuse me??" The Dr comes running and I tell him I am feeling very nauseous. I ask him if he can pop another needle somewhere to help alleviate that and he says "I think we're past that point already" and tells me I don't look so good. He takes all the needles out, asks me if I want some water and I say no, I'm going to be sick. Holy moly......I was violently sick. VI-O-LENT!! When done, I am clinging to his sink, sweating, shaking. He asks if I want to sit down on the table. I say "No" and collapse on the floor. He and his assistant help me get my bearings and I lay down on the table. I ask "How many times has that happened??" None....of course. I'm the first in his seven years of practice. Excellent....love being a trendsetter!
~
He said he knows I felt "relaxed" when I came in but in actuality, I was running on fumes. The well is Empty!! He pointed out I had not slept, I had not eaten and I'd had a massive "emotional purge" that morning. He said I was really functioning on adrenaline alone. When he tapped into my relaxation core and some digestive points, my blood sugar plummeted which he believes was responsible for the vomiting and hence a physical purge as well. He said the good news is that now we know you are highly receptive to acupuncture. Perhaps a little TOO receptive!! So they gave me some juice and had me hang out for a while before they would let me drive. I was supposed to go straight from there to pick up Bianca but I decided to take some self care, me-time. I went to Panera and got a bowl of soup and recuped. I go back on Tuesday morning for session #2 and, this time, someone is staying in the room with me!!!!
~
Ending on a bright note, I went to pick up Bianca at the after school program and she didn't want to leave! She made a friend who happens to live right in our complex and really enjoyed herself. We were both exhausted last night and fell asleep on the couch together at 7pm! Dropoff this morning was easier on me, for sure. She was a little clingy but no tears. I can't wait to see her later and hear all about her day. And looking forward to a long weekend.

1st Day of School: Major Triggers

I am feeling a lifetime of emotional pain today. I feel like I abandoned my baby and it's triggering me in fully unexpected and excruciating ways.

~

Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday was last week and she cried much of the day that she didn't want to be 5. She doesn't want to go to Kindergarten, doesn't like Kindergarten, doesn't like new friends, etc, etc, etc. Yesterday we took a day off for "Mommy/Bianca Fun Day" which was really nice. I was pushing the subject of Kindergarten pretty hard for a while but decided to back off in the last week or so. Yesterday, she mentioned something about starting K and I said "I'm so excited for you" to which she solemnly replied "I'm not."

~

She was the same this morning. Didn't want to go. I tried to keep things light and positive, as well as just matter-of-fact in an empathetic way. I hear and understand what you're saying....we'll get through this and we'll both be okay! We read The Kissing Hand last night and gave each other heart stickers from the book this morning to signify that our love stays with one another all day even when we're apart. Things were a little muddled this AM. I had to run out & grab her a notebook before school. Weren't sure where we were going or what the time schedule was. Eventually we made our way over to her classroom. I was pleased to see her teacher was the same woman who did her evaluation in the spring. She seems very nice. I also met the two TA's. Bianca actually, though somewhat clingy, did much better than I expected. She definitely likes the classroom. There is alot to see and do and she was playing with some of the things and exploring. Several times, she said she didn't want me to leave. She was holding onto me but not crying. I, on the other hand, had to take many, many extra pictures of her (not exactly a hardship) in order to hide my tears behind the camera so she would not see me!!

~

Once pledge of allegiance and morning announcements were over, it was time for parents to leave and kids to start class. I hugged & kissed her, kissed her Kissing Hand heart sticker, told her I loved her and would see her later, have a great day and I bolted from the room, not looking back. I have no idea if she was crying or how she felt. I cried all the way to the car, garnishing a few encouraging words from other parents along the way, got into my car and just sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I called my friend for support and she was trying valiantly to calm me down. I was able to verbalize that I didn't need reason. I can do the calm rationale by myself. It's emotions that I don't do well and I really just needed to let them out. I was spewing all kinds of nonsensical hysteria when it came to the surface......I feel like I abandoned her. I ran out on her when she needed or wanted me. Triggers, triggers, triggers. Old stuff, old stuff, old stuff.

~

In my head, I know I did the right thing. The quick exit is the only way to go to not prolong the agony. In my heart, I feel like I just ran out on my baby when she needed me and I'm leaving her to fend for herself in a scary new world. In about 30 minutes, she's going to have to transition to the after school program where she will get onto a bus full of people she doesn't know and go to another new place, with another set of new kids. And I won't even be there to walk her in and help her get set up. She just turned 5 for heaven's sake!! I know, in my head, this is all age appropriate independence, and that there are wonderful people around her to assist her, but I can't help but worry she will feel like I ran out on her. That I am not there for her. Or like she's being forced to grow up too fast and take care of her own needs. I don't want to shelter her but I want to be there for her. And I feel like I'm not. Which triggers me in all my old stuff. I *SO* did not expect this feeling. It's bringing up my own abandonment issues, remembering that I was expected to be a pint-sized adult and deal with my own problems. Remembering that my parents were not there for me when I needed help or protection. I know I need to sort my issues away from her situation or else I will make this harder on her than it needs to be. I did not in any way anticipate this kind of reaction on my part. Oh the joy of PTSD. (spit)

~

I am supposed to be working from home but I'm a freaking mess. I am going for my first acupuncture appointment in about 9o minutes. I'm hoping that will help me relax. And, oh how convenient, the acupuncture center is about 5 minutes up the road from Bianca's after school program. So I will be picking her up early today and probably smothering her (or cracking a few ribs) with ginormous hugs and kisses. I seriously need to pull my shit together before then because I'm still crying like a loon. The love for this child is suffocating, entirely overwhelming and all-consuming. She is my world and I just so want for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood. It's a horrible and out-of-control feeling right now wondering what is happening and how she's doing. Wondering if she's crying, scared, missing me? I know, I know, I know that she will be alright in the end. And I know I can't protect her from life. And I know she is not me and her circumstances, feelings and fears are not the same as mine were.

~

I'm in agony right now. I recognize that it's primarily pain for me. For the 5 year old in me who wonders why she wasn't good enough or loved enough to be protected.

(Not)Welcome to School

It has been a very emotional few weeks. Bianca has been pretty vocal about not wanting to start Kindergarten. We had to say goodbye to her daycare/Pre-K where she has been for 4 1/2 years. Not easy for either of us. They have been her friends and teachers for so long. I've finally started to make some good friends with the other parents and I've watched all those kids grow up. I love them all so much.

~

We went to Kindergarten orientation last spring and the school encouraged us to stop by in the two weeks before the first day to meet staff, see classrooms, etc. Knowing full well that I have a child who needs time to acclimate, I fully intended to take them up on that!! Worth mentioning that Bianca gets that trait from me.... :o) So I also wanted the opportunity to meet people and make myself, and Bianca, known. As a working Mom, it's tough to take time off but I'm blessed with an easy going and family friendly boss so I did take a few mornings to stop by. Each time I've gone, I've had a lovely conversation....with the secretary. Because she's the only one ever there. No teachers, no school nurse (who I needed to talk to about Bianca's minor medical issues & drop off medication to). Furthermore, we didn't find out who her teacher was until Saturday, this past weekend. So it's not like I could even show her her classroom!

~

Once we got her teacher assignment, I went to the school Monday morning but there were "no teachers" in the school. They were all at a development meeting. Yesterday, I called in the AM so that I didn't waste another trip and was told, again, no teachers in the building. All in a meeting. As well as I could maintain myself, I told the secretary I realized this has nothing to do with her however....WHY tell the parents they are encouraged to visit when no one is here? Either they need to be upfront that we're not meeting our teachers til school starts or actually be here when they say they will be.

~

Lovely secretary says to me "Mrs. is wonderful, she's warm and kind. Your daughter will be fine." Yes, thank you....I'm well aware that she will be fine once she gets used to her new environment. Is that a reason, though, to mislead me with expectations? And more importantly....this is MY BABY. If you think, for one second, I am handing her over to your care without ever having met the staff she will be with day in and day out, you have another thing coming. A HUGE 'nother thing coming. In more precise terms....no fucking way.

~

I called my friend Jermaine b/c I know he has #1) been through this with his own kids and #2) has worked as an educator, albeit for college age. I asked him....am I unreasonable? I mean, I realize that she, and all her classmates, will all be fine at some point. Is that a reason, though, to not go an extra mile to actually WELCOME the kids and try to alleviate some anxieties ahead of time? Particularly at transitional years like Kindergarten? My dear friend says "Welcome to Public Academia..... And you've just learned a valuable lesson. You've just learned that Bianca's school is 'faculty friendly' as opposed to 'family friendly'." He guarantees me that the teachers were in the school preparing for class and that the secretary's job on those days is to shield them from the parents.

~

Before I enrolled Bianca, I researched all the schools in the district. There are 14 elementary schools in my town. I am fortunate that Bianca is in arguably the best one, or at least one of the top two. One of the statistics I liked was 100% teacher retention for her school. Now I'm not so sure that's as good as I once thought. #1 - it does imply a "faculty friendly" school. I will keep my mind open to the possibility that it doesn't necessarily negate family friendly as well. And #2 - maybe it means the teachers have been there so long that they are "too comfortable" and don't feel the need to put any extra effort toward the families. I'm sure they are lovely, qualified educators. But perhaps they have lost sight of how big a role they are now playing not only in the lives of our children but in OUR (parents) lives as well. At this age, they are more than teachers; they have become a primary caregiver.

~

So, I'm off to join the PTA/PTO and see if I can't drum up a little buzz around this. My friend Jermaine gave me many good pointers for my first interactions with her teacher(s). He said he will walk me through this step by step so that her teacher knows if she has only one shred of energy/time left at the end of the day, *Bianca's* Mom is the parent she knows she needs to get back to above all others. Heck, yeah!!!!!!!!!

System Overload

I had T on Weds night. Discussed a few minor topics. The afore mentioned "Not Hungry" not being one of them, of course. Funny how those things slip your mind as you sit on the therapist couch.......
~
The thing I did come back to discussing, reluctantly, was this constant feeling of failure in every aspect of my world. It's most prevalent at work. I am so behind and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. The worse it gets, the less I want to deal with it. I am overwhelmed with various tasks that are all different yet all important. I feel literally paralyzed in my ability to just choose a task, choose a direction to go and follow through. Seems on the rare occasions that I do choose a task to tackle, I am thwarted either by the appearance of a new task or I realize that there is something I need to complete first in order to finish the task I set out to do. When things get this enmeshed and complicated, I shut down. And I then play and goof off on the computer. And then I feel intense guilt. Which makes me want to goof off more so that I don't have to think about it.
~
On Weds, before T, I thought I had a revelation. I thought the computer is my "daytime addiction." When I don't feel like dealing with the reality of what a mess my office is, I zone out and play games. Since I can't binge at work like I do at night, I wrap myself up in something else. ~
I went to share this with Susan on Weds night and she was kind enough to inform me that I'm "normal" Huh? Me, normal? That's not something I'm generally accused of. Although she did also tell me I was a control freak....that's a more familiar observation of myself! But normal? No. She asks what happens to a computer when you give it too many commands and tasks all at the same time? SYSTEM OVERLOAD.....

And what happens when the system overloads? It shuts down. This is not unique to me. Not unique to addicts, trauma victims or people with depression/anxiety issues. It's "normal." What is NOT normal is that I inflict this state of chaos on myself and expect that I will be able to handle it all in stride, perfectly, professionally, calmly, admirably. Withdrawing due to feeling overwhelmed may be normal but the expectations I place on myself to be extraordinary are what is all messed up. And self defeating. As long as I set unattainable goals, I will remain a "failure."

~

So how, exactly, does one set about doing this? I've never known any different.

Not Hungry

Things have been crazy around here. I've not blogged but it's certainly not due to lack of material!

~

Starting back last weekend, Friday Aug 21st. I'd planned Bianca's birthday party for Sat the 22nd. Now, every single year it has rained on the day of Bianca's party. I went out on a limb this year and planned an outdoor beach party but I put a backup party plan in place in case the weather phenomenon continued this year. Naturally, we seemed to be in the path of the hurricane this year and bad weather was looking imminent. No worries, I thought....I have my backup plan in place!

~

The weather was bad Friday night and I ended up losing power at about 9pm. Right as I was getting all the food ready for the morning. *sigh* Afraid to open the fridge and let any cold air out, I decided to go to bed early so I could get up early since certainly the power would be back on by then. Oh what a night. Bianca was scared because it was so dark. I put candles in my bedroom and she slept in my bed. It was so dead quiet that I could hear the neighbors and every little creak & groan. It was about 90 degrees with no air or fans and Bianca kept snuggling closer and closer to me. Then the power company showed up around 2am and started digging right outside my unit. I did not sleep at all. Come 5am, I got up. Still no power. Weather questionable. Hot as blazes. I have a migraine. I'm worried about the food in my fridge and if it's gone bad. I get us both ready and as I'm about to start packing the car, the power comes back on. I'm frantically trying to put food on serving platters and I'm calling my contacts for the beach party to see if the weather dictates cancellation. I'm sick to my stomach. They are on the fence, tell me it's up to me. I'm carrying, packing, driving, calling, checking weather on radio & blackberry. If you live in this area, you will know a common local saying which is "If you don't like the weather in New England....wait a minute." Things change so quickly. I was so stressed out trying to figure out what to do and I finally made the executive decision to have the party at the backup location. Now, I'm driving, trying to listen to my GPS, passing bagels & milk to Bianca in the back seat, checking my party list and emailing or calling all the parents to tell them of change in plans while also trying to drink coffee and drive with my elbows. Fun. I will *NEVER* again book an outdoor party!!

~

Party itself turned out to be a blast and the kids all had a great time at a small, family owned arcade. I worked hard during the party and was happy for some downtime afterwards where Bianca and I hung out and played games by ourselves. It absolutely torrentially downpoured on our way home and we had to make a mad dash for the door in the rain. I wanted to wait it out in the car but it was "too loud" for Bianca. She wanted to go inside. I was exhausted. I had not eaten anything all day. I'd had coffee & diet coke. And I'd forgotten my Effexor the night before. I was a mess.

~

So here I have ALL this food in my house.....sanwiches, salads, cake, cookies, chips, etc....and the last thing I want to do is eat. Except I have ALL this food in my house and I begin to panic that I don't feel like eating. This is a completely foreign feeling to me. I know I've not eaten and I should have some protein. I feel mildly nauseous which is likely attributable to exhaustion and the migraine "hangover". I am literally trying to convince myself to go binge. Why? I was in a panic about all the food and if I don't start eating it in my usual methodical way it might go bad. Which in my mind, equals my "rejecting" food. And I may not have this opportunity again with this volume of food available to me at once so I need to take advantage! Except I really did not want to eat. Yet I was in a total nonsensical panic about that feeling.

~

It was utterly bizarre, a definite first time feeling for me. But it reaffirms some of my past statements about the fact that Food is my relationship. I felt an obligation to "take care" of the food and be sure it's existence served purpose. To not reject it. To give equal attention to all the different foods. And in my feeling like I was not up to the task, I began to panic and try to convince myself this is what I needed to do instead of just respecting how I was feeling at the moment. Further, I think the panic was likely fueled because if I did respect my wish to not eat, what if I had to start feeling something or dealing with feelings?? Oh, the horror!

~

Unfortunately I've not had any trouble eating since then......but it was an interesting bump in my path that deserves some more thought and understanding.

Qi - Body Energy

So I took a step in a new direction today. I went to my first appointment at a natural health center. The Dr was actually recommended to me by Susan, my T.

~

It went SO great!!! I'm in love with the Dr! He's so sweet and gentle. He said he'd never done such a quick intake because I had all my facts in a row and a 100% clear goal of what I wanted to accomplish. I told him he could credit Susan with that! He said that I am the perfect candidate for acupuncture and he loves to use it for cases like mine.

~

He did something called a Digital Meridian Analysis on my meridian points which measures the energy at meridan points. Some things were better than others. He said it really mirrored what I told him about what I experience. Funny, I was looking at the notes he made before we went to do the DMA and he wrote down "LI meridian". As I look at the paperwork he gave me, I see why! It says:

Your Large Intestine Meridian energy is excessive. Energetic disturbances in the LI meridian may involve oe or more of the following emotional factors: holding onto the past, fear of letting go, crying, compulsion to neatness, defensiveness.

Excessive chi in the LI meridian may indicate a potential for stiff shoulder, tooth/jaw ache, dizziness.

Stiff shoulder? That's my #1 stress spot and causes me chronic pain.

He was even able to tell me, by looking at the readings, my peak stress hours and what time I go to bed! I'm setting up a series of 3 acupuncture treatments and then we re-evaluate. Said he usually sees the biggest changes after 8-12 appointments but everyone is different. He did say that since we're dealing with a lifelong issue, it may take longer but not necessarily.

~

Oh, he also told me about his internship where he used acupuncture on crack addicts and had positive results in overcoming addiction. So he will use some of those techniques on me to help with the food addiction. He also worked at 9/11 Ground Zero to help survivors and trauma workers with PTSD and has been using acupuncture to treat returning soldiers for PTSD.

~

I'm happy it went so well....now let's just see if I have results!! If nothing else, he said most people feel very rejuvenated and in balance after a session. Oh, when he measure my overall results on a chart, I was at a 28.5 measurement of energy balance. That's 28.5...out of 100!! So, I'm pretty out of synch, no shocker there! I'm really looking forward to starting my treatments!!

My New Job

So I went to T tonight all hot on the topic of why thoughts from my past still reign in my mind. Why is it I can see all the negative, all the failures but I rarely allow myself to acknowledge a job well done? And when I DO allow myself to feel good about something I've accomplished, I immediately knock that down with reminders of all those things I've not done well.
~
I threw this out there for Susan to explain to me and she did so in blunt and direct fashion. She said (loudly, I may add!) "Because you don't dispute it!!" She added "Kim, it's time for you to self-parent."
~
Earlier we'd been discussing Bianca's upcoming transition to Kindergarten and I was talking about some of the fears Bianca has expressed. I described how I allow her time to talk about her feelings, I ask her questions to try to help both of us understand her anxieties. I validate her feelings and I offer her reassurance or encouragement that we'll get through it just fine. When Bianca tries something and gets frustrated that she can't do it, I lightly validate her frustration that it's tough to do new things. I help her breathe away the negative and force myself to ooze patience out of my pores!! I parent her with love, care, understanding, an open heart, patience.
~
When the "girl" inside of ME pipes up with a fear or a doubt, I beat her down into a pulp, berate her, insult her, shame her. I abuse her. I have remarked many times that my father only wanted to be a "parent" when I'd done something he could criticize. Well, looky whose footsteps I follow in when parenting myself. Even though in my parenting of Bianca, I see that I'm actually a very nurturing and good Mom! I also need to consciously remember, daily, that the way my father treated me had nothing to do with ME. I never did anything to deserve that treatment and there is no reason I need to keep reliving, and enforcing, his hateful and destructive messages.
~
Time to befriend myself. Time to view my inner child as the same innocent, decent, pure child that Bianca is and time to start treating myself the way I'd treat any other person I love. Time to dispute those negative and self-defeating thoughts. Time to love myself and nurture myself. This is my new "job." I'm gonna work it overtime and I'm gonna kick ass!!

Brick House

Being a Mom of an almost 5-year old, I get to read alot of books, stories and fairy tales. Recently, we read The Three Little Pigs and it struck me from a different perspective. (The perspective of a girl who has been in therapy for years!) Sometimes I think that entertaining childrens stories have some really important messages in them for the adults who are reading them aloud. (See here for another great example of this.)

~

In dreams, houses represent your own soul and self. The condition of the home sets the tone of the context. An old run down house may indicate old thoughts, beliefs or situations. A brand new house may mean you're entering a new phase of your life. So what does a weak house mean? The straw house, the stick house. Houses obliterated by a mere huff and a puff? I think of these as houses built on the quick without a proper foundation, materials or tools. Someone who tried to take the easy way out and get it overwith without having to put in the time, expense and hard work.

~

Such is life, self awareness and the process of healing. If we go for the quick-fix, our houses will crumble when confronted or tested. As arduous and unappealing as it can seem at many points along the journey, we need to put in the time to lay the proper foundation and add to it brick by brick until our house can stand up to that which tries to destroy it. So, Huff and Puff away, big bad wolf. Our houses will not come down.

Dreams

I was looking for a document this afternoon and I came across a paper that had a few of my dreams written down on it. As far as I can tell, it's from spring of 2002.

~

The dreams are pretty obvious in their meanings. They are saturated with blatant themes of abuse, broken trust, vulnerability, fear, abandonment. One of them I still remember *quite* vividly.

~

On a day to day basis, as you can see in the post below, I struggle with accepting that what happened to me was "really abuse" or believing that it was bad. I minimize it. I question my memory. I question my own involvement in what happened. I am ashamed that it's still an issue in my life. I blame myself. In my heart, I still do.

~

It is only when I have dreams such as these that I can allow in the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I was really abused. Maybe it really did happen the way I remember it. Maybe it really was bad and maybe everything I've gone through was not my own fault. I think I may be afraid that I've made it up or embellished it in my own mind since everyone else downplayed it. When I have these dreams that my conscious mind has no control over then I think yes, something definitely happened and I'm not making it up.

~

Why do I need dreams in order to believe my reality??

FAILURE

I feel like such a failure lately. All I can see are the many things I have not accomplished. My failures do not define me?? Pphhhhhhbbbbbbbttttttt. Yeah, right. When it seems like all there is to me, you can bet your ass they define me. At least in my own mind.

~

It's been a couple of hours since I started this post. I just returned to it, ready to rattle off my list of wrong-doings that clearly evidence what a mess I am. I re-read my first thought and when I read the "At least in my own mind" line, I thought "which part of my mind is that? Is it the 5 year old? The 8 year old? The 12 year old?" I recognize this as my father's influence on how I judge myself. You're no good, you can't do anything right, you're stupid, selfish, worthless, lazy. Yet the 40 year old part of me really, really struggles with "blaming" my father for this. I am a grown up. When do I take responsibility for me instead of calling my flaws someone elses doing? This is a difficult concept for me to grasp.

~

Okay. So apparently it's extremely difficult for me to grasp that because that was written 5 days ago and I'm just now coming back. I had to break from the post to talk to my friend and bounce my thoughts off her. Of course she said all the right and logical things. I keep coming back to thinking "How can I be this messed up at 40 just because I had a crappy dad?" In my head I know it's so much more but I'm stuck there in my head right now.

Awfulizing

"Awfulizing" is a term that Susan, my T, uses. It refers to when I allow my thoughts to run away with me into the worst possible scenarios. I used to do it constantly and I've gotten much better with it to the point I barely allow it at all. Lately, though, I've been serving up a hefty dose of it.

~

I have chronic pain in my left shoulder area. It's my stress spot where I am constantly in a state of clenched & tightened muscles. It causes pain, tenderness, aches, fatigue, spasms and general all-around unpleasantness in my shoulder, collarbone, neck, jaw, head, arm, chest, shoulderblade/back. It gets worse when I'm in a panic or anxiety mode. I've often thought I was having a heart attack because of the intensity of the pain.

~

It's particularly bad this week and I can feel it expanding now into the area of my ribs, lungs, neck. My body is very tricky in the manifestation of stress. It likes to attack in a certain way to send me into maximum panic and only when I finally accept that it's not a physical problem, it disappears and moves onto some other odd symptom. So the newest thing is this discomfort in the lung area of my chest as opposed to just the heart area. In addition, my chest feels kindof tight and it radiates up into my neck when I breathe deeply. So here I go.....

~

"I'm having a heart attack. No, that's not what it is. It's muscular, like the Dr said. But this is different pain, it's something new. It's heart failure, cardiomyopathy. It's Cancer. Oh God, I just know I have cancer, I'm sure of it. I can feel it spreading through my body like poison. It's TMJ. It's a brain tumor. I'm having an aneurysm. Bianca is going to find me dead on the floor. I'm going to die while driving and crash killing her, too. I should go see the Dr but I don't want to deal with it. It's lung failure. And what about those bruises? I bet I'm having kidney failure, too and I'm going to die from that. That's it, everything is diseased and I'm having total organ failure, just a question of which one is going to give out first. I'm about to die. I bet I won't even make it to Bianca's birthday party. What will she do without me?" Repeat, ad nauseum.

~

I can't seem to shake the awfulizing lately. I don't feel good. I'm sure the 99% humidity isn't helping since the air quality is crap for breathing right now. And I've been feeling extremely lightheaded which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I seem to be completely inept at taking one stupid pill a day (Effexor) so I'm all over the place taking it every, oh, day & a half or so when I get the jitters & brain-buzzies that remind me I didn't take it.

~
I feel like a freak. I know I need to focus on my health but it's all tied into my addiction and I feel like I am only capable of baby steps right now. The "not-knowing" is bliss and torture at the same time.

Why Am I Doing This, Exactly?

So I had counseling last night. I really, really didn't want to be there. We talked about my addiction issues and the steps I've taken since our last meeting. I told Susan that I'd made an appointment with an acupuncturist and then cancelled it. She asked me what I was hoping acupuncture would do for me. I immediately clammed up and started to cry. Why? Because I perceived her question as some sort of accusation that I had no idea what I was doing. And of course, I know she didn't at all mean it that way. But I felt like an idiot that I had charged full on into wanting to do acupuncture without having first really asked if it will accomplish what I want it to do for me. Susan said that she asked not to make me feel foolish but because she "cares about me and loves me" (she actually said she loves me!) and that I'm in an extremely vulnerable spot right now. (shudder) How I detest that word. She doesn't want to see me try something and then have it not work the way I thought it would. She's afraid that would be too discouraging or painful right now. So, okay, I was able to verbalize that I'm hoping the acupuncture will help me with stress relief by means of getting my body energy moving again. I'm hoping that by getting my energy flowing, I will be able to experience more emotions instead of just piling them on top of the emotional gridlock that's already inside my body. In addition, I have chronic pain in my left shoulder because I hold all my tension there. I'm hoping for some relief of that pain as well. Susan suggested another type of Dr for the actual muscular pain but did say she felt I had a realistic view and hope of what acupuncture should be able to do for me. So I'm going to go ahead & make another appointment with the acupuncturist.

~

We talked about my intention to go to OA meetings. Turns out there is one near me at work and it's at lunch time on Mondays & Fridays. My goal right now is simply to get to at least one meeting before I see Susan again in two weeks. I feel quite scared at the prospect. You know each of these steps I'm taking pushes all my insecurities, "flaws", shame, dysfunction and my tightly held personal coping mechanism out into the world. Makes it public. Makes it REAL. Puts it out there for scrutiny. Makes it impossible for me to pretend it's not there and retreat into my binge-induced numbness. As I said in a prior post, I'm terrified to fail and I'm terrified to succeed. Susan asks why I need to judge as failure or success? She praises me for having taken the steps I have so far. Of course, I'm much more interested in my failures. She says the slow and somewhat methodical nature of how I'm approaching this is actually quite healthy. ("One Day At A Time" sound familiar???) She said I'm doing what they actually talk about in AA which is referred to as "the next good thing". I've taken a step and now I just need to do the next good thing. Keep making one small good choice after another. Why does it have to be failure or success? I tell her that I don't feel I'm being judgmental by calling it success or failure. I mean, in terms of what I'm working on here, those two words are pretty finite. Either I get the eating disorder under control or I don't. Succeed or Fail.

~

I was feeling pretty drained and was out of things to talk about. We still had about 10 minutes left. I looked around, did some breathing to see if a topic came to me. Shrugged my shoulders at Susan and said "I got nuthin'."

"Okay. How does that make you feel?" she asks.

"Uncomfortable," I answer "anxious and uncomfortable."

She said that was okay, why don't I try just "being" and experiencing my feelings in the moment. She suggested that it's actually very healthy progress that I can sit there feeling uncomfortable because as recent as a few months ago, I would have grabbed onto any fluff topic to avoid just this. Great....healthy progress!! So I sit there trying to breathe and just "be" and my mind keeps running off "talk about this, talk about that, cripes you have issues galore...can't you pull one outta your hat to discuss so you're not looking like a fool, wasting time and being unproductive??" I feel like an idiot not utilizing my time with her and I say out loud "I feel stupid." Susan smirks and says "'Stupid' is not a feeling, Kim...it's a judgment!!" Oh, LOL. Well it's still what I'm feeling!!!!! As I sit here struggling with this seemingly simple task, I wonder to myself....Why, exactly, am I working so hard to be able to "be" in the moment and feel my feelings?? Because this kinda sucks.

Stalled Labor

I had a dream Tuesday night. I was pregnant and in labor. And in labor. And in labor. For days. The labor was not progressing. I kept asking the nurses to check me and see if I was getting any closer but I wasn't. I was really frustrated. Then I made a tiny bit of progress and I remembered how much the epidural hurt. All of a sudden I began to feel really terrified about giving birth and I didn't want that baby to come out at all.

~

In dreams, being pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. It may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. So the fact that my labor is stalled means this goal is something I'm having trouble bringing about. Yet when I make some progress, the fear of the pain makes me not want to have the baby at all. This made such absolute perfect sense to me because it's exactly where I'm at in my life.

~

I was in a really lousy mood on Weds, as evidenced by my last post. Tuesday evening I was triggered by an event which progressed into a barrage of self-hatred, beating myself up for everything I am and everything I do. I was sharing this with Susan on Weds night and describing the frustration of not being able to pull my life together. I'm unhappy with so many things, I feel like I'm constantly in some state between disorder and disaster. I can't focus on anything. For instance: I want to sit down and pay the few bills that can't be done online. I pick up the bills, I go to sit down at the table. Bianca has her toys all over the table. I begin to pick them up and then I see she's taken off her socks and left them on the floor which reminds me I have to do the laundry so I go upstairs to get the rest of the dirty clothes when I remember I never put that box in the attic. I drop the socks, go into the attic where I see a box of craft supplies which reminds me Jen and I were going to take stock of what we had and see if we could pool & sell it. So I take that box down from the attic and put it on the table where I was preparing to sit & pay my bills and then I'm flustered and overwhelmed. So I have something to eat and do nothing. I describe the same type of things at work. I seem easily overwhelmed and like I'm going in circles, never making any significant headway. And then I feel disgusted and ashamed that I can't seem to do what I need to do. So I put it all away in denial-land where I stuff it down firmly with food and engage in some useless, mindless activity which then solidifies the belief that I'm a useless piece of crap. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

~
Susan asks me the question I dread. Do you think this has anything to do with your addiction? She tells me what I described is a classic addict behavior. I've done some web searching but not really come up with any model of "classic addict" signs. I do see that addiction to any substance contributes to anxiety, avoidance, being easily overwhelmed. Maybe that's what she means.

~

"Food addiction is a contemporary term used to describe a pathological disorder; the compulsive, excessive craving for and consumption of food. This condition is not only manifested by the abnormal intake of food, but the intake and craving for foods that are, in themselves, harmful to the individual. While society and the medical profession have readily understood alcoholism and drug abuse, it is only in recent years that there is an equal acceptance of the fact that persons may be addicted to food in the same way. (I'd argue that point....but that's just me) When any substance is taken into the body regardless of its potential for harm or in excess of need, that substance is said to be abused. Individuals who abuse substances in such a way are addicts; these persons become physiologically and mentally dependent upon certain substances, in this case food. Food addiction, as with any other addiction, is a loss of control. The individual understands that their way of eating is harmful, but continues the destructive behavior. The phenomenon of food addiction is both physiological and psychological. Many individuals have what may be termed 'food allergies.' These are trigger foods which when ingested cause negative symptoms and changes in the body but at the same time provoke cravings. The individual, for instance, the diabetic, may be made 'sick' by the intake of sugar, but will still continue to crave it and eat it in excess, with adverse effects. These chemicals mimic the body’s natural painkillers, endorphins, and have thus been termed 'exorphins' which produce a narcotic-like effect. Individuals may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or loneliness; they will find a high when ingesting large quantities of food or certain foods such as salt or chocolate. The immediate high gives way to a sick feeling or guilt, leading to more depression. Because the addict is out of control, he or she will turn once again to the same eating patterns in a conscious or unconscious effort to feel better."

~

That pretty much says it. I want this cycle to stop but I don't know how to make it stop. And I don't know where to turn. I want to do it myself because that's just my MO. Do it yourself. Be strong. Be self-sufficient. Be *Perfect*. Don't need anyone or anything. Don't lean on anyone. Don't open up to or be vulnerable to anyone. It leads only to rejection and pain and strengthens my perceived need to isolate. My horrible experience with Renfrew was a perfect example of why I don't want to reach out for help. Yet I sit here ready to admit, IN MY HEAD, that I cannot do this alone. I am at that point where I can accept, IN MY HEAD, that I am powerless over the addiction. Yet, in my HEART, I still want to believe I can do it. I can make it work. I am strong enough to beat it. And every day I have this battle realizing my head knows where it's at but feeling like a failure because I can't defeat this by myself. All the while **terrified** to reach out for help. Terrified to fail. Terrified to change. Terrified to succeed. Part of me is so ready and the other part of me wants to bury my head in the sand.

~

When I think about the logistics of it, I am definitely overwhelmed. Food addiction is something that's NOT widely accepted as an addiction. In the eating disorder community, it's still characterized as "Eating Disorder; Not Otherwise Specified." Heath insurance carriers don't recongnize it as an addiction and therefore programs and payments are severely limited. There are a couple eating disorder clinics around here but they don't offer the same programs for food addicts as they do for, say, anorexics and bulemics. So where does this leave me? Here are my options to consider in some combination:

1. Overeaters Anonymous (OA) which is a viable option and I'm looking into meetings. Last I looked, the local meetings were not conducive to my schedule. But I'll look again. And, there is that whole "higher power" thing that still makes me want to cringe and run screaming. I'm going to try to look past that right now.

2. A psychiatrist versed in eating disorders who may be able to prescribe medication(s) with proven results in cutting down cravings.

3. A nutritionist, again versed in eating disorders, who can "represent" food for me and help me attempt to establish a healthy relationship with food, something I have never had.

4. Holistic/Natural remedies. I am strongly driven to try acupuncture as a stress reliever, energy mover and an assistance to my recovery.

5. Energy Tapping to also help in changing or removing the energy associated with my cravings and urge to binge.

6. Counseling, of course, as continued support in my recovery and to help in learning new coping tools.

~

Okay, so #5 & #6 - no brainers. Easy to accomplish. #1 is going to be a challenge but I will give it a try. Susan did say that if I can get to a number of OA meetings in the beginning I could then switch over to AA or AlAnon meetings since they use the same 12 step program. They are generally easier to find. If I can get to one that is local to my office then I don't have to worry about child care and that alleviates a huge obstacle. She did, however, suggest the "90 in 90" which is 90 meetings in 90 days, generally considered as an alternative for people who are unable to go to a traditional rehab facility. I don't know about that.

~

#2 - the thought of trying to find this type of person, of telling my story and talking about my addiction with a stranger AND taking more meds really doesn't appeal to me on any level. But having reduced cravings does sound good. Still, I think I will put this one at the bottom of my list and resort to it if #4 & #5 don't help. #3 - oh yuck. Yuck. Yuck. The most I can consider for this one right now is to talk to a friend of mine who works in that field. #4 is something I really desperately want to give 100% to trying. It presents an enormous logistical challenge in location, timing and expense. In any case, I just left a voicemail for the natural health center to call me back. I mean....if I'm going to make a commitment to doing this, then I just need to do whatever is necessary. My boss is super cool and I know he would give me leeway with hours & time off if I need it.

~
Key words here "if I'm going to make a commitment to this." Am I? Because every time I think I'm ready, I talk myself out of it within hours and conveniently lable the prior resolve as a moment of temporary insanity. I think I'm really afraid to fail. I have enough shame already just being what I am. I don't know if I can take the added shame of failing in my attempt to be something better. I think I don't believe that I CAN be different anymore. And I'm really scared to let go of my addiction because it serves as my friend, my relationship, my comfort, my shield and my protection. Despite the fact I know it's hurting me immensely and robbing me of health, joy and life, I'm really afraid to be out in the world without my security-blanket. I know I can't change if I don't try but I'm so afraid to try that I feel near paralyzed.

Do you ever just have one of these days where you simply cannot stand one thing about yourself and you really wish you could just get away from you?? I'm so there right now.

Selling My Survival

I love dreams. I think they are fascinating in their symbolism. I've become an amateur dream guru. I don't often remember my dreams, unfortunately. When I do, I take great delight in deciphering them. Well the one I had last night just didn't give me a challenge at all! It was so obvious, it was ridiculous. It did make me laugh, though, in the plain talk of it's message.

~

My father grew up in an old farmhouse. His whole dysfunctional family lived there many years. He moved out when he married my Mom; his parents and sister stayed. There was a barn with horses, which were my passion when I was younger. My brother and I spent many summers there. My grandparents slept downstairs. My Aunt's room and a guest room were upstairs. I slept on a roll out bed in my Aunt's room and my brother was in the next room. My Aunt worked the night shift and therefore didn't get home until about 2am. You can see the kind of freedom and opportunity that afforded my brother to abuse me on a regular basis.

~

In my dream, this house was for sale and I desperately wanted to buy it. I was looking around at it's state of disrepair thinking "I can fix this, I can fix that. I can replace those. I can make this work." Every single thing was crumbling, filthy, falling apart. I was trying to hide things that were broken and playing down the seriousness of the homes condition. My BFF was there and my contractor Dave was also there. I looked to Dave and I said "What do you think? We can make this work, right?" He shook his head and said "Don't do it."

~

At the same time, I was trying to figure out how I was going to get the money to buy this house I was still so determined to buy. I found a small curio cabinet that was filled with tiny figurines of wolves. I took two of them and I drove down the road where there was an Indian at the side of the street. I pulled over and tried to sell these wolf figures to him. He asked me if I was sure and, when I said yes, he paid me a great deal of money for them. I returned to the house and looked at the remaining figurines again. Although I knew I could sell them to pay for the house, I suddenly realized how valuable they were and knew it was not worth giving them up to buy this house that was falling down.

~

So the first part of the dream.....completely obvious. My abusive past, trying to cover it up, trying to fix it. The second part still made sense but I wasn't sure about the symbolism of wolves and indians so I looked them up in my trusty dream dictionary. Wolves symbolize survival and Indians represent the primitive and instinctual aspect of yourself. So I was trying to "sell" my survival to hold onto my past and the Indian, my instincts, made me realize that the "wolves" were too valuable to let go of. Great dream. Great lesson.