Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Building Blocks

I've been really rolling lately....addressing alot of big issues. These father issues are huge. Being in touch with my feelings. Finding a comfortable place with my mother. I'm even working on an Inner Child post. Therapy has been going fantastic. I've made progress in things I don't even realize until I see someone else bring them up and realize....hey, I don't do that anymore! So why, in the midst of feeling a sense of accomplishment in all of this, does the self-doubt return to say:

"hey.....hey, maybe you're not really doing as well as you think you are...."

"maybe you are fooling yourself"

"these things that have eluded you for years can't possibly just come so easily now"

"you're faking your way through this and you don't even know it"

"this isn't over"

"you're making a fool of yourself"

"others are reading your blog and laughing at you for thinking you've got it right"
"you're in denial.....again"

I detest that critical inner voice. The one who plays old messages. I can normally cut it off at the pass immediately now with a single word to myself. "Unproductive!" But what about when I'm not 100% sure that is who is doing the talking? I mean.....I've pushed through alot of Core issues lately and it was fairly "easy" (relatively speaking). I've been known to fool myself in the past by rushing through an unpleasant topic, trying to convince myself I'm done with it and over it. How do I know I'm not doing it again? I'm not sure. How do I know that I really "got it" this time?

I hate feeling like this is a neverending process. That every day/month/year brings another potential layer of issues to the surface. I mean....did ONE letter and ONE good soul-cleansing cry rid me of 38 years of father issues??? Of course not. I guess it's been one step at a time, building blocks if you will.... From a pile of mish-mosh, one is stacked on top of another, on top of another, on top of another until finally there is only a tower of blocks and no more mish-mosh on the floor. I sure wish I could see my mish-mosh pile so I knew how many more blocks I need to deal with!


Rising Rainbow said...

This made me chuckle just a bit. We survivors are so impatient, we want it all yesterday. Not to mention we just want to get on with our lives.

Enola said...

YES - what RR said. It often takes us survivors years to get up the nerve to open the box and pull out the blocks. But when we pull them out, we want it built NOW and done. Impatient bunch we are.

Cassandra said...

I agree with RR.. .and I know that I am sooo impatient.. and my t tells me all the time that we will get through this, but i need to have patience... with myself... HA..

but your post made so much sense to me.. I wish I knew how many blocks were left in my mish mosh pile too...