Thursday, March 20, 2008

WooHoo, T Update & Father issues

I'm 10 days binge free. WOO-HOO!!!

10 days into my 21 day challenge. My T said to refer to it as 10 days abstinent. Not sure I know the difference. But anyway.....It was actually a little tough tonight. Not so much a desire to binge but I did want to eat! I'm having company for dinner tomorrow and I was prepping alot of GOOD food tonight!!! But I made it. No picking. And I feel great. Note to self when binging becomes a temptation again: after less than a week, I have marked inprovements in energy, mental clarity, body aches, complexion, bloating and my feelings towards myself. I'm able to look in the mirror again. I feel strong and motivated. I even got on the scale for the first time the other day. I'm not doing this for weight loss right now. I'm doing it to kick the food addiction. But I do want to lose weight again as well. I haven't been on the scale in months. I've been avoiding it. I had a number in my head where I thought I would be. I was 25 pounds under that number, which was awesome! I'm not sure where I was, weight-wise, when I stopped binging but I'm certain I've lost some in these past 10 days. I can tell just by looking at myself. Although that's not the most reliable measure as I'm fairly certain I suffer from a MILD case of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). I can see myself, physically, completely differently from one minute to the next depending on how I'm feeling about myself emotionally. It's like walking through funhouse mirrors...I'm never quite sure how the reflection will appear to me.

On my way home tonight, I was thinking about a conversation I had with my friend last night. She ran into her XBF and she was upset that she felt like she still loved him and wasn't over him yet. I reminded her that she was wrapping up a bunch of old issues at the same time as dealing with the breakup. It got me to thinking about my last breakup with XBF and why it has taken me so long to get over him. Comparing that to my XDH....I felt like I was over him VERY quickly. I know my relationships have largely reflected my "father issues". XDH represented the violent, abusive and demeaning side of my father. I'm all set with that, thanks. That is why I had no trouble walking away from him. XBF, on the other hand, is tied up in the rejection issues...why wasn't I enough to make you love me? to keep your promises? why did you abandon me? The emotional crap.

While the agenda for T tonight was father issues, I had to start by telling T about my 10 days and telling her about what I've done differently. I prefaced by saying I hoped it wasn't ridiculous what I'd done...but that I'd given a name and a face to my addiction. She gasped....said it wasn't ridiculous at all. And she hugged me. She said this was a HUGE step because what I did was to take the addiction OUT of myself and put it elsewhere, giving it a tangible identity that I could fight, reason against and view differently. I'm excited that this step came so naturally to me. I almost hate to be optimistic so early in the process but I'm encouraged that I'm feeling differently about it right now. Honestly, I think this is the longest I've been "sober" in 2 years.

Okay, so we moved onto father issues from an old T Homework assignment. We agreed that there is really no point of my trying to talk to my father again. I really have said all I can say to him. We discussed the idea of forgiveness and what it means to me. I came down to expressing that it means a release of the memories, thoughts and pain that hold me hostage. I said I understand that in my brain but it just doesn't really translate. The question I posed at the end of my homework was "what do I gain by holding this pain so tightly to my heart?" As T began to speak to this, I was FLOODED with emotion and burst into tears. I realized that this pain is ALL I HAVE of my father. And once I let it go, I have NO father. And no hope of things ever becoming different. It's that last thread of hope. That blasted unrealistic shred of HOPE that the piece of damaged, demented, sick, twisted, cold-hearted crap I called "Dad" could actually turn into a decent person and try to make it all up to me. This pain is our only connection. And I don't know how to release that without falling apart.

I guess the answer is that I actually need to allow myself to fall apart. I have to let those emotions come through me to let them go. So here is my T Homework. I have to write a letter. A letter, not to my real father but a letter to the Daddy I wanted. And then I have to grieve that Daddy. I'm going to work on that this weekend. I'm actually very much looking forward to doing it even though I know it's going to be extremely emotional. But I've longed for so many years to be able to move past this stuff with my father and never understood how. This sat just right with me and I really feel this will be monumental in moving me in the right direction.


Enola said...

I remember being asked that question. And then reading a handout on grief. That mourning stuff sucks. Hang in there - you are making remarkable progress.

Totally awesome on the 10 days! What a great start.

Tink said...

So proud of you!