Friday, March 21, 2008

The Childhood of my Dreams

If you read my prior post, you know that my T homework was to write a letter to my "Daddy", not my real father but rather the fictional Daddy that I wish I'd had. A few hours before I went to T last night, I was feeling the desire to write a letter to my inner child. IC work is something I've struggled with and so I've decided to approach that topic differently as well. Since I shy away from IC work out of the inability to connect with myself as that inner child, I figured....let me try to just connect to *a* wounded child, not thinking of her as myself per se. Maybe that will help me break through.

So combining my own project with my T homework, I've decided to conjure not only the father of my dreams but also the little girl, the "me" of my dreams. And then I can write to both of them and hopefully process some mourning/grieving work. The following are some random images that captured my attention and I'm going to start building my fictional, longed for, father/daughter relationship here.

My Daddy is my hero. I look up to him more than anyone else in my life. He makes me feel loved, special, safe. I know I can do no wrong in his eyes. He looks at me with such pure, shameless adoration. He lets me jump all over him. He answers every one of my questions. I run to him unabashedly when I want to play or snuggle, when I want to have my fears calmed and when I want to play make believe. I love the feel of his scruffy face and the way he smells like soap. We do eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses. We tickle and giggle.

I feel safe even when we're in unfamiliar places. Out here in the open, I know that nothing can hurt me while I explore. I am with someone who loves me and I know nothing of fear or pain. I have no reason for anything less than implicit trust. I am free. I am happy and curious. My Daddy is unendingly patient with me and we both laugh hysterically as we get soaked playing in the water.

I feel on top of the world up here on the pedestal of his shoulders. I feel his beaming delight as he introduces me proudly as his little princess. Just as he treats me; like his princess. A precious treasure. I am the most important person in his world. He makes sure I can see the if this entire event were staged only for me and no one else matters. He never shushes me when I ask questions; he is focused on what I'm saying and doing. His broad grin tells me there is nothing more important in this world than our special father/daughter time.

I know no fear. I have no concept that I'm not safe or could possibly get hurt. I'm with my Dad and I trust him implicitly to teach me and to guide me. I don't worry about falling because I know he will not let it happen. We are perfectly communicating, in tune with one another, as he patiently and slowly talks me through my little stunt! Without pressure or rushing, we make it to the other side where he celebrates my bravery and success.

At the end of a long day of playing and learning, I want to collapse into my favorite snuggly spot. I hear his heart beating beneath my ear, feel him exhaling gently over my forehead and all is right by me. I tuck my hand into his sleeve while I sleep. I can feel the unconditional love of my family surrounding me in our home and I've not a care in the world.

I have goals and thoughts and dreams for my future. A future as bright as the sun and as broad as the open horizon. I breathe deeply, relaxed and secure. I know I can share my dreams with my Daddy and he will listen intently, encourage me to tell him more. He will not judge or mock. He tells me he will do all he can to help me accomplish all I hope to. I have hope. I have love. I have serenity and safety. I am happy. I am a child, with child experiences, child knowledge, child concerns and unrestrained child joy. Every day is an adventure I look forward to because my life is content.

As I get older and am no longer a little girl, our relationship matures and grows. We share a special bond and I never hesitate to talk to my Dad about what is on my mind. He's never too busy for me. He works hard but his family comes first. He has time for me no matter what and he always wants to hear what is on my mind. He gives me an ear and guidance. He helps me build the tools of self confidence and esteem. He teaches me that everything I need to succeed in this world is already inside of me. He tells me he believes in me and that he's proud of me. He's one of those obnoxious Dads who sit in the front row for every school performance, camera flashing and telling nearby people "That's MY daughter!". He's the "cool" Dad who all my friends wish for. He never misses my birthday and he plans special vacations for us as a family, being sure to include little surprises that each person in the family will really love. He makes sure we balance work and play. He helps me with my homework because he wants to be involved. When I make a mistake, he never criticizes. He disciplines with love, always my best interest at the heart of it. He never yells at me, never threatens me, never intimidates me. He takes me seriously with my teenage crises because he knows they are the biggest things in my innocent world. He goes with me to college visits and interviews. He picks up a car decal from every single one we visit so that he can put it on his car the very second I decide where to go. He oozes pride for his once little girl who has flourished into a strong, confident young woman. He attends school conferences, parents weekends, graduations. He gives me away at my wedding and openly weeps at his baby all grown up. He gives one of those father toasts that leaves not a dry eye in the house. He becomes a doting grandfather with a wallet bursting with photos of his latest pride and joy. Every passerby is an unsuspecting target for tales of his granddaughter and how she is the purest angel this world has least, since her mother was a baby.


Enola said...

I wish I had had a Daddy like that.

Perfect said...

I wish we all had fathers, parents & childhoods like this. :o(