Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I need advice!!

First, good for me because I'm 3 days into my 21 day challenge and feeling strong! 3 down, 18 to go. And I know I can do this!!

Second, good for me because I did talk to my mother. I could tell DD was starting to get to the point of being fed-up with my mother. I just held back, responding to DD in appropriate ways based on her actions. My mother was still "over-pursuing". DD walked away from her, came over to me and said "I don't want to talk to Gramma." (BTW, I gave DD MASSIVE praise for using her big-girl words and making this statement! I'm SO proud of her for stating her needs!!!) I asked her if she needed some space and she said yes. I suggested she go upstairs and come back when she was ready to play some more. My mother looked pretty upset and I said "She's just like me....she needs her space sometimes." I explained my theory of my mothers over-pursuing my DD. She looked so rejected. I told her to think of it like a cat who appears to be having fun and then suddenly it claws or bites you because it's been overstimulated. My mother did the "tail between the legs" thing. "Well if you think I shouldn't come over anymore....." I cut her off and said "DD enjoys seeing you. You just need to learn to read her cues better and respect her space when she wants it." I gave her some other suggestions. I told her not to let DD run the show. My mother says "She does" I said "With you, I know she does. SHE knows she does. YOU are the grown up. You need to control the situation."

I think I probably lost an opportunity to make it a more meaningful conversation but I was nervous and not thinking entirely clearly. When she was leaving, she did the passive thing: "Well, call me.....sometime....." It was VERY difficult for me not to "take care" of her. I wanted to make sure she was alright. I wanted to assure her how much DD loves her. I'm still feeling the desire to send her an email. I can guarantee that she cried as soon as she left here. My DD DOES love my mother. My mother will manage to crush that if she doesn't learn how to relate to her better. (Hmmmm........sounds familiar.......) So what sayeth the blogger community?? Would it be the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do to make sure my Mom is okay?

I'm stuck because I've been put in a caretaker position of her before and I resent it. But I also feel like, if I were a loving daughter and we had a good relationship, I'd check in to make sure she was alright. But we're not that. We're in this kindof fluffy, transitional place. I don't want her to feel hurt. I do want her to understand how to relate to DD so they can keep a good relationship. I just don't want to be taking care of her. I'm not sure what to do. HELP!

UPDATE: I was feeling alot of unrest about this so I called my T for perspective. She is so wise. I knew she would say the most simple thing to make it clear to me. She said "take it out of context of being with your mother" ie: what if this had happened with a friend? What would I do? Absolutely, I would follow up the conversation and make sure that person was alright. So I dropped my Mom a quick note just to say I hoped she was doing okay after last night since she was clearly upset. Reminded her how much DD loves her & looks forward to her visits. And I felt like that was the right thing to do.

1 comment:

Enola said...

Sometimes it is a good idea to step back and ask that question - how would we react if it were someone else? Glad you feel better about it. You're an awesome mom - way to go on teaching your daughter to stand up for her boundaries. She's already far ahead of where we were.