Monday, March 10, 2008

Snowballing out of control

I was IMing with a friend this morning and I said I was feeling overwhelmed. She asked all the right questions and my head was swirling with vague thoughts. I changed the subject because I really did not want to try to pin down and admit to at the moment. But I realize that I have to.

I am out of control. I am powerless over this addiction. I have such great intentions and pep talks with myself every morning. I wake up feeling miserable and achey and old before my time. I have no energy and I know it's all a direct result. But it snowballs....the more I eat, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I eat. The more shame and disgust I feel about myself, the more I want to escape myself. I keep thinking I have the ability to control this. I can't understand why I am just not making better choices. I can't understand why I'm driven to do that which I know contributes to my misery.

It's consuming. I'm so aware of it all the time. It's when I get home at night that it's a problem. I feel like it's no longer a dissociative escape but rather it's become just a flat out addictive habit that gives me that release of endorphins. I don't really know what to do. I just need to make different and conscious choices. Oh, my brain is so clever though. It knows just what to say and how to seduce me. I have this image of the voice of my addiction. This is the closest I could find.....but dark like this, distorted, disturbing. The big " know you want that. You know how good it will be and how good it will make you feel. No one needs to know; it's our secret. No worries, no's what you want. It's what you NEED. You can trust me, honey....I will never let you down. Listen to me and only me. I will take care of you."

I hate myself every morning for giving in. And every single morning, I tell myself I will make different choices today. But at the end of the's the same old thing. I'm so tired of it. I don't know how to make it different. I feel like I need to be in rehab but I just won't even entertain leaving my DD. I feel like I talk myself out of anything that could be a possible solution because it's inconvenient. Maybe I'm just scared to be different. Why do I hesitate to reclaim my power and control back from this hateful, self-defeating addiction which has no regard for my well being? Perhaps I've reached a point where my well-being is not at the top of my priority list and so I don't really care when I give in to what feels good at the moment. It's so much harder to fight than to just give in.

I'm just so tired of the same dialog every single night and every single morning. I'm so horribly, unbearably, unspeakably sick of it. I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to flip the switch and make myself start doing it.

1 comment:

Enola said...

(((hugs))) Sometimes we just don't have the answers about WHAT to do. The first step is recognizing that you need help - and you are already there. Don't lose sight of the progress you have already made.