Saturday, March 29, 2008

An Interesting Observation

I had T this morning. I read her my posts, Childhood of my Dreams and Dear Daddy. It was rough. Rough to revisit both of those posts. Rough to read them aloud. I let myself cry more than I ever have in front of her. I had to work very hard to stay in the moment and allow the feelings to flow. My mind was all over the place trying to grasp onto another subject. In fact, after I was done reading the first part, my T had to "shush" me to stop me from minimizing what I'd written. It's my nature to start joking around immediately after.

She did say I'd opened the door to good grieving work. The remainder of this work is just being open to those feelings of loss and grief whenever they arise. I think I can do that. Since I wrote those posts, there have been a couple times I've allowed mysef to be in touch with the mourning again. I really do feel like someone in my life has died and I imagine it will linger for a while.

T asked me about how I feel about my IC. I told her what I said here about how I am not sure how I feel about it.....I'm not sure I believe in it. I know it could well be a Catch 22. I don't believe because I can't connect but maybe I can't connect because I don't believe. She made a very interesting observation which was what prompted her question. She noted that my "Dear Daddy" letter (the goodbye letter) was written from this present day perspective and spoke nothing of saying goodbye to what I didn't have as a child. Not that it was "right or wrong". She just said it was noteworthy. I take that to mean I have IC work coming! I don't know if I need to make a conscious decision to believe in IC work and just try to let down the guard to attempt the work. But I think that will likely be my focus in the days to come.

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