A Better Choice

As evidenced by my last post, I am so quick to judge myself and I can be pretty brutal. So, today, I'm going to take a minute to recognize that I made a good move last night. B has had a rough school year so far. When she is not happy in school, everything suffers. She has difficult days in class, she doesn't do her homework, she is cranky with an attitude, less focused, more resistant to getting up in the morning . It's maddening at every turn and I feel so powerless. Add to that the fact that she is a tough nut.....pretty buttoned up.

Pausing here to recognize how utterly uncomfortable I feel as I teeter on the cusp of giving myself some positive recognition. I want to just scrap the whole thing! A little grounded breathing and I'm determined to continue.

I thought to myself yesterday, and have had this realization before, I am more like my father than I care to admit with the temper and the feelings of inferiority. I can actually relate to him and why he did and said many of the horrible, abusive, damaging things he did. I've had to fight the temptation to follow in his footsteps before. And there is the difference. I fight them. I hate that I even have those feelings but at least thinking them and doing them are two different things.

B didn't do her homework last night for the umpteenth time in the past couple weeks. I was very quiet, I needed time to think, to calm down. She had a karate class then we came home & she finished her homework. And then I sat with her and told her how I believe she is so smart, talented, creative and clever. I asked her what I could do to help her succeed. I talked to her about my expectations....not that she be perfect or do everything right....but that she try her best and always, always come to me or another adult when she needs help. What she said she wanted from me was to be home to help her with her homework. Oooooohhhhhhh the GUILT. We talked about why that can't be right now and I told her I did plan to take away privileges due to her poor choices with schoolwork this week. She was upset but took it well enough. She cried, we hugged and I feel good. I know this doesn't end the struggle but I made a choice for love, compassion and kindness. And that is something my father would never do.  And I know when I make those choices of love for her, I am also parenting my own inner child....who I despise so vehemently. So....go, me!  A better choice.  Baby steps.

Judged

I had a little (aka: epic) meltdown of self judgment on Friday.

You know.....I began retelling all the factors that went into the breakdown and I'm just not going to.  Because I promised myself this would be a place of honesty so I'm going to tell you the honest and ugly truth.  Which frankly has zero to do with the facts in this case. 

My child is not PERFECT.  She is not easy.  And I resent her for that.  And I detest myself for feeling that way.  But there it is.  Really I am mad at myself for failing to raise the perfect child.  I have a deep seated fear that I am stupid.  This is something my father said to me over and over and over.  I have put that on B and now I fear that SHE is stupid and that it's a reflection on me since clearly only stupid parents have stupid children.  And then that calls into question my single status and the fact that I've raised B alone and so not only am I stupid, solely responsible for raising a stupid daughter....this is also hard evidence that I am utterly unlovable!!  If I were smart and lovable, I would have a husband or a co-parent.  Right??

I feel like everything I do is, if not blatantly wrong, at least sorely lacking.  I am not good enough at my job, at parenting, at home.  I'm never as prepared as I want to be for anything.  I can't manage my time, my money, my home, my laundry, my life, my diet.  Anything.  I suck at it all.  I think I have passed this on to B.  I think she feels the same way and I think sometimes she just doesn't try because she already knows that nothing she does will ever be good enough for me.  Why should it??  Nothing *I* do is ever good enough for me..... so how could my offspring ever be good enough for me?

I fear I have damned her to a lifetime of trying to live up to perfect.  Another generation doomed to fail miserably and spend fruitless years cursing her own humanity.  I may as well just slot that college fund for future therapy right now.

I never make the same mistake twice.....

I make it five or six times.  You know, just to be sure. 

Didn't I JUST say I was high on taking back my power with A??  Yes, I sure did.  He and I had a little exchange the other night and I flat out asked him to tell me what "really" happened the weekend that he cancelled plans on me.  I prefaced it with some statements that made it crystal clear I did not believe him.

Now, in my mind, before I did this.....the intended outcome was inevitable.  We all know he was lying.  By my approaching him in this way, letting him know that I was fully aware it was untrue and that I wasn't going to freak out about it, it would certainly open the door for him to come clean with me and we would have an awesome holding-hands-round-the-bonfire, kumbaya kind of moment where he would confess to me all his fears and reservations about meeting his daughter.  We would move forward into a deeper understanding of one another and this unfamiliar place we find ourselves in.

My mind never considered the fact that he would hold true to his story and get pissed off at me for accusing him of being a liar.  Really??  I NEVER considered any other outcome??  Has my experience with this man taught me nothing at all?  Apparently not.

So there you have it.  He stuck to his guns, gave me a more detailed version of his story and was angry with me for thinking otherwise.  And then, there I am......what do I do with this predicament??  I am certainly not going to apologize or grovel when I know the truth!!  But then.....I start to question.....am I SURE what I believe is the truth?? Is it POSSIBLE that he is being honest??  I begin to doubt my instinct (which, let's face it, has historically been complete crap when it comes to him) and wonder if I am all wrong.  The only thing I am certain about is that I went about this foolishly and I regret asking him.  Eventually we put it behind us.  I had to do a small amount of smoothing over without actually apologizing or saying I believed him. 

I will still call this a positive event because #1 he knows that I know it was crap even if he doesn't admit it.   But more importantly, #2 I have a better idea of where he is.  Which is totally not ready.  And again, I recognize he is in the driver seat.  I just have to buckle up and hold on for the ride without knowing how long it will be.  #3 I just learned to keep my mouth shut and allow him to go through his motions even when they are remarkably idiotic.  It's hard for him too, in his own ways. 

I desperately wanted that conversation that I so unrealistically saw resulting from my confrontation..... I just felt like it would be nice if he would let me know where he is at.  If you lie to me and claim the only reason you were not able to show up is because your wife was sick, then you leave me under the assumption that you are ready to meet your daughter.  I am likely to believe another opportunity is imminent.  If you cancelled because you are not ready to do this then, in your mind, this could be years down the road. It just would be nice to be privy to the timeline that exists in his head.  It would be nice if he believed he could talk to me.  It would be nice if we could, for once, be on the same page. 

God, I hate this. 

Sign of Saturn....she's coming around.

Some time ago, I wrote this post about my most symbolic tattoo.  Most symbolic yet the one I struggle to remember ALL. THE. TIME.   
Paraphrased: Astrologically Saturn has become a symbol for implacable powers, restrictions impossible to overcome, relentless natural forces and the hard, fixed structures of the world of matter. Saturn is known as the Greater Malefic; the bringer of sorrow, and the one who deprives. But Saturn only brings sorrow and deprivation in those areas of a person's life that are based on illusions or unrealistic expectations. Astrologers suggest that the inner being, the self, is protected by the personality, the psychological structure enveloping the self, spirit, inner being, or true individual. Through the imaginations, conceptions, and games of the personality, the inner being is protected until that protection is no longer needed and becomes a hindrance for self-fulfillment. Once this stage of development has been reached the outer shell must be broken. The position of Saturn reveals the way in which the protective shell will break, the price that has to be paid for the freedom necessary for further development, and the pain that has to be endured during the process of really becoming a grown-up, a kind of rebirth.

So this tattoo was always meant to be a reminder of the struggle to find my true self, my rebirth, and more importantly as a symbol of my own power.  Yesterday, I realized that I am not being particularly Saturnine right now. 

I ask myself......is this situation really that big of a deal?? Does it need to be? If I sit so expectantly at A's mercy, won't that energy convey? He may not be that in tune with me (or women in general) but it definitely makes ME feel that he has the upper hand. So let me reframe this. It's a big deal only because I'm allowing it to be a big deal.


A quote from a book that came to mind while pondering this: "Whenever you need something from someone else you become powerless because they can decide not to give it to you."

I REFUSE to be powerless to A or any person!!! I don't NEED him!!! B doesn't need him. We have made it this far without him and we are doing okay. I am extending the olive branch to him for B's sake and also to do my part in her life. But that is the end of my responsibility. This is HIS screw up. Not mine. This is his responsibility to make the effort. Yes, I am absolutely willing to take steps to help make it happen. Literally and figuratively I will meet him halfway.  But I am not at his mercy. I am not his doormat. I am not even his friend. I don't have to accept anything from him that I don't want to. I don't need to walk on eggshells with him. I don't need to worry that if I say the wrong thing, he will no longer want to see his daughter. I don't have to beg for his love (for her)!!!!! Gah this is where it ties into my father. Dammit. And also where I say she doesn't need him. I still feel like I needed a dad & that projects onto her. The desire to "save her" from what I experienced. This part is MY work.....I believe these words in my head but my heart is afraid to release the perceived need.  Hmmmm....I am sure I wrote about this somewhere before about my own father......I need to hunt that down.

Ok.....I reclaim my power. I claim my Sign of Saturn. Excellent. Now what does this mean as far as how I deal with him?? (I'm still thinking about that part & working on a list of guidelines for myself.)  I feel more powerful today.....more centered.  I cannot give him the power to get me so off-balance.  I may wobble.....but I will NOT fall down. 

Who IS he??

As you know from my prior posts, last week, B and A (her father) were supposed to meet. He agreed earlier in the week, firmed it up the night before and then cancelled the morning of. The excuse he gave me was a lie, I know it.

I felt like it would be a while til I heard from him again and to my great surprise, he reached out to me yesterday with a generic "hey, how are you guys?" as if nothing had ever happened the week before. We chatted back & forth for several hours, Sat afternoon and Sunday morning.  I SO want to bring up what happened and put him on the hot seat about it. I realize that is not the way to go and I'm just struggling my way through this mundane chit chat, feeing so supremely uncomfortable.

It came to an emotional crux for me when he told me he wanted me to email pics to him as well as text them. I wanted to say "then email them to your damn self from your phone, idiot!" but instead I brushed it off with a joke. And now I'm reeling a little bit. I feel like he will continue to take from me and never give me what I want. In my life, I have a recurring theme where I am afraid to look like a fool at the end of the day. He did that to me once. I still don't trust him. I don't really have reason to.

I realize this is the ultimate in lopsided relationships but the potential ROI is the prize. My male BFF, J, made the comment that A knows he has a tremendous amount of latitude with me.  That doesn't sit well with me.  Am I giving too much?  What have I given? An olive branch, my emotional energy, provided him a window into her life, accepted less child support...the ONLY thing she gets from him.....and I took less in an effort to receive more (in a different capacity) at the end of the road. Okay....it's only been 2 months after 9 years of nothingness. I guess I have to give things time to develop. Patience is not my virtue. I am single minded and in a rush to get this going. She has not had a father one day of her life and now that it seems tangible......I just want it to happen.  NOW.

I am worried about being too nice to him and that he will take advantage of the situation. He is enjoying a decreased support order. He gets to see pics and videos of B. Like I said, a window into her life without any effort on his part. Am I being fair in saying that, no effort on his part? (Moment to ponder.....) Yes, I think so. I don't think there is any part of his struggle that I'm not intellectually aware of. Making contact with B puts the rest of his world and family into a possible compromised position.  I don't pretend to know what he is actually experiencing.

I think it really all boils down to a total lack of trust in him. I fear I will continue to extend myself and he will take it and never live up to his end. And that I will look like a stupid fool in the end. But will I? How am I being foolish? I am giving him a chance to show up in B's life. It's not for him, it's for her and I think the thing I need to remember the most is how I will be able to relay all this to Bianca someday. If he shows up, I made it happen. If he doesn't, I gave him every opportunity.

I don't know how to ride this line with him in the meantime. I've already said I'm not a patient woman, right? It is not in my nature to be "surface".....I want the meat & potatoes!! I want him to tell me his thoughts, I want him to tell me the truth about last week. Give me that much. Let me know, honestly, where you stand. Don't leave me hanging here and guessing. Don't play me for a trusting fool....oh, even though I totally look like one right now. I don't want him thinking he's got the best of me. That his player moves are still effective on me. I want to tell him I don't trust him. I want to call him out but I feel like I cannot because of the precarious situation. Because I want something from him and he knows it. That gives him an advantage. I feel like he is still playing me. Ok so then J's question....what would be the purpose of him testing or playing me? Because as a player, he enjoys controlling women. Is he still that man? I don't know....it's what I know of him and I've not seen overwhelming evidence to the contrary yet.  Who IS he, really????   

So what does this boil down to? I still don't trust him. I am afraid of being played. I don't know the line between kind and doormat. I don't do "surface." I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!! It's my own anxiety, the fact that I want bigger, faster progress. That I feel like I am making myself vulnerable and he is not being honest with me. So do I ask him to talk to me?  Or is this my own work to just deal with my anxiety and allow it to unfold in whatever manner it does?  I feel so completely unsure at every step of this process and I detest it. 

Bad Day

Yesterday was a rough day.  Started off alright but the afternoon brought a work crisis of moderate proportion.  You know how sometimes, someone asks you to do something then they continue to check on your progress every few minutes thus impeding you from actually completing the task?  It was like that.  An IT issue caused the back wing of the office to lose connectivity to phones, internet & server.  I had no idea the cause.  I ran through my normal gamut of fixes and none worked.  I called in the big guns of my  consultants.  I was talking to 4 different people on 2 phones, flipping back & forth.  And meanwhile, all of the employees from the affected wing kept interrupting me. 
"What's the word?" 
"Any progress?"
"I need to make a conference call at 3, will it be fixed by then?"
"I have a client waiting for a proposal, is this almost fixed?"
"How's it going?"
"What's the problem?"
"Why is it taking so long?"
Etc Etc Etc

It took about 90 minutes and I finally got it fixed.  I am super thankful I wore pants yesterday because the process of finding the problem involved a great deal of crawling under desks, standing on chairs and following wiring splits through the ceiling tiles.  On top of that issue, it's been really crazy at work.  For the past two days, I've had a single task as my goal.  That task has five components and should take about two hours to complete.  After two solid days, I've yet to complete the first of the five components.  On top of that, I am staring down the face of an IT audit and the project of completely revamping my entire server setup by end of year.  To say that I am overwhelmed is a vast understatement.

I left here feeling very drained.  Happy to be headed to acupuncture which is generally extremely relaxing for me.  Except my phone started ringing on the drive home and I answered to find one of my co-workers in a panic about a serious issue.  It WAS serious and so I had to do some hustling and finagling to be able to assist her from the road. 

I got Bianca and we headed over to the acupuncture center.  We took a break from acu last spring and are just recently back to treatments.  Since we left they made a complete overhaul of staff and also they have taken to burning some sort of substance, similar to incense, that is supposed to have beneficial properties.  I greatly dislike this smell.  It's herbal and, to me, reminiscent of marajuana.  I have disliked it with a growing intensity since day one.  I complain about it regularly.  Yesterday, it was making me downright angry.  I was already in a stressed out state.  I've had a rough week with B's father drama, my confusing feelings for J and a demanding afternoon at work.  By the time I was laying on the table, I was flat out hostile.  Why should I be subjected to a smell I find so offensive??  Why am I paying all this money to be in an environment where I can't relax because I am assaulted by this horrid smell? 

I am extremely sensitive and receptive to acupuncture.  I can tell when my body energy is out of balance once he places the needles and, although I am laying perfectly straight and still, I feel like more like this:

And also like I am spinning at the same time.  It's unnerving.  So the room was spinning, I felt disjointed and contorted.  The Dr said he was going to apply an oil of something....I wish I could remember what this stuff is called but I recognized the name of the oil as the same stuff they were burning.  I said "NO!  Absolutely not!"  The Dr asked why and I said "That smell is so ungodly offensive!" The Dr replied in a very dismissive tone like "Ok, then.  We'll see you in a bit" and closed the door, making a hasty exit.  I started crying immediately, there was a huge rush of emotions.  This has happened to me before in acupuncture.  It forces a relaxation on me and all the emotions I've been holding back come flooding out.  That smell.....it was really bothering me, burning my throat, making me feel like I could not breathe and I started having a panic attack.  I calmed down once, then it resurfaced.  I calmed down again and it came back once more.  I got up and flipped out, I opened the door and was hyperventilating loudly.  Staff came running.  I was crying, pulling my needles out.  Couldn't answer their questions, couldn't breathe, couldn't say what I needed, couldn't move.  Paralyzed in every way.  Complete panic.

Something was triggered here and I can't figure out exactly what.  It originated with that smell but I don't know....is it evoking a memory??  Was it the feeling that I could not breathe?  Was it the rush of emotions that I wasn't prepared for or was it the simple fact that I feel discounted and not heard when I complain about somethig I find interolerable?  His attitude, and the staff attitude, about my objection is pacifying and dismissive.  It's insulting and I think I am being triggered in post-abuse feelings.....we know you are experiencing something you don't want but we're going to ignore your objection and expect you to just accept it.  Yes, we hear your concerns.  Smile & nod.  It's good for you, there are health benefits to the burning.  You will accept it, you have no choice.  We know better what you need. When you tell us you can't tolerate it we will promptly dismiss and ignore you.   

I imagine it was a combination of all the factors and I simply do not know how I'm going to handle it come my next appointment.  I managed to squeak out that something about the smell was triggering an emotional reaction.  We'll see if they do anything about that.  I don't know what to expect....I'm not sure I feel worthy enough to think they should change their practice for my comfort. 

Adding to the fun of my night, like insult to injury....as soon as I left the office, there was a gigantic green bug on my car door.  I tried to swish it away and it flew into my face.  And then when we got home I discovered that Bianca had done something that she and I have discussed in the past and I warned her about severe consequences should she do it again.  I decided to table the consequences since I was so angry that I was afraid I would take it out on her in the process.  So I put her to bed and got drunk.  It seemed like a reasonable solution at the time. 

Uncomfortable

I am so uncomfortable.  Also, can I just sideline to say I have looked at the words "comfortable" and "uncomfortable" so many times now in searching images and quotes that they now look totally weird to me. 

Anyway.....Every since my weekend trip, I am in quite a state.  Let me qualify this by making VERY clear that I am NOT by any means, under any circumstances or by any stretch of the imagination a patient woman.  One of my very favorite e-cards asks "Why is patience a virtue?  What can't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue?"  Yep, that's pretty much my philosophy. 

So, if nothing else on this journey, I feel like learning patience, or at the very least, learning to live with the discomfort I feel while waiting for things to unfold, is part of the plan.  The lesson.  I really do appreciate the value of the life lessons but don't you wonder when they are done and you just get to bask in the glory of all the growth and knowledge??

I have not heard from A since he said he could not meet Bianca.  As I said in the last post, I feel like this is the close of one chapter.  I have no idea if I will hear from him next week, next month or in a couple years.  My door is still open but I know I can't make him walk through it.  It's on him.  I've done everything, and then some, to bring him to the door.  Every day, I feel like precious time is wasting.  Every day of her life without a dad, I fear for the desires building inside her.  I fear for the ways she will seek to fill that void.  I think about the ways I tried to fill my own father void and it breaks my heart wondering if she will do the same.  I know that everyone tells me how great she is and that I'm a good mom.  She IS great.  I do what I can as her mom.  Yet, I cannot be all things.  There are things that children need from BOTH parents.  I wish he could see these things instead of continuing to tell himself that she's in good hands with me.  He is rationalizing and excusing his absence in her life.  And I know that there is more to it than that.  Seeing her would open up a whole can of worms in his marriage and with his other children.  I don't at all discount that.  But B is my baby and she is my focus.  And forgive me for feeling it.....but his kids have had him for a lifetime.  My daughter hasn't had a father one day of her life.  I want to tell him that.  But....I won't.  I can't.  I have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And be okay with the waiting and the discomfort and the not-knowing and the complete utter lack of control over this situation.  Not exactly my favorite place to be. 

Now for Uncomfortable #2.  Seeing J always throws me into a bit of a tailspin.  How is it that I manage to miss him the most after I've just seen him?  We have been friends for ten years.  I unequivocally love this man with my whole heart, to the depths of my very soul.  I have no idea what to do with all of that.  He is my best friend.  I would never, in a million years, want to lose that or damage it in any way.  But I so often wonder.....what if....??  Over the past two or so years, our bond has deepened.  Is our distance the total epitome of "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?  Or, if we were in each other's space more often, would we be together?  Could we be together?  I have never known two people who are more "peas in a pod" yet so completely different.  I worry that I am fooling myself.  He doesn't feel what I feel.  If I ask him, I will make things uncomfortable between us and hurt our friendship.  I worry that I am alone in this feeling....I believe I am not smart enough for him, not fit enough for him, not a lot of things he would want his partner to be.  I look at the scope of his love life over the past ten years and I think he's not interested in or really capable of maintaining a long term relationship.  And then I also think.....or maybe he's just not with the right woman.  Could I be the right woman?  He is such an amazing man.  I don't feel deserving of someone so wonderful!!  What could he possibly see in me?? 

Since we parted, I cannot get him out of my head.  We started off in a more romantic way when we first met and then changed paths to just friends.  I got pregnant the following year and we've stayed close friends since.  He is B's godfather.  He is my go-to.  I think he knows me better than anyone else.  To the point that it can become unnerving to me!  I can't ever fool him.  Even in moments when I am fooling myself, he is on to me.  Because I became a mom so early in our friendship and visits have usually centered around B, we've not explored the "other" side of our relationship in a long, LONG time.  But when I was there last weekend, we did.  He called it the big, giant, pink, purple, striped elephant in the room.  The lingering attraction that has always been.  How did we manage to build such a real, true friendship with that ever present?  I don't know.  But we did.  Again....is it the fact that we don't see each other often or......what would it be like if we did??  Would that attraction be satisfied and we'd fizzle out?  Does it keep us fueled?  Does the lack of time together make us closer and more appreciative of our connection or does it prevent us from being everything we could be?

I want to ask him these things.  I want to find out where his head is.  He told me over the weekend when things took a turn toward the intimate direction to stop him if it wasn't okay and that someone could hold a gun to his head and he would still never do anything to damage our friendship.  I green lighted him and we.....well, yeah.  You know what we did.  I am Monday morning quarterbacking......things didn't go quite as I would have wanted.  Nothing bad.  But B was there and we were a little limited in what could be done.  I wasn't able to sleep in his bed with him.  I was nervous, honestly!!  I wasn't sure where he wanted to take things and I held back from being as assertive as I would normally have been.  I let him lead completely.  I guess I just felt very unsure which is not like me in that arena.  But because this is HIM.....it was different. 

I've gone through my promiscuous times.  The previous couple years, I was there.  But this past year, I've not been with anyone.  I've wanted more.  The casual dating, recreational sex was not cutting it anymore.  Being with him is so.....fulfilling.  Emotionally.  I crave him.  And I worry about that.  Cripes I worry about everything!  I just don't know where his head/heart is.  I don't know where I stand.  I don't know if I'm alone in all of this.  I'm afraid to ask him.  I'm afraid to NOT ask him!  I want to text him about 10,000 times a day!  I beam when I talk about him or think about him.  And so.....I need to put a little space between us til I settle down, I think.  It is possible he is moving halfway across the country in a month or so for a job.  I may not see him again for a long time.  I feel frantic about trying to see him again before he goes.  I can't put that kind of energy out there.  So where does that leave me??  Living with the discomfort of all these swirling feelings, desires, questions.  No control.  Waiting it out. 

I want to crawl out of my very skin today.

Roller Coaster

What a bunch of anxiety, ups & downs the past couple days have been.  We went to visit Bs godfather who is in the same state as her bio-father.  That was already planned and provided the basis for my offer to visit her father.  We would be driving right by him on the way home on Sunday.  We'd texted earlier in the week.  I told him on Tuesday that it was on, we would definitely be in the area on Sunday,  He didn't reply at all.  I reached out to him again on Thursday.  I said "hi" and he responded within seconds.  Then I asked him about Sunday.  He didn't reply for about 2 hours and then it  was a positive response, asking when & where.  I told him and he said he would say it's "ok for now and would let me know if any changes by Sat morning."  I didn't hear from him all day Sat.  I texted him at 9:30pm & asked him if he had any thoughts on where to meet.  He replied at 12:20am, asked me how much time we had to spend.  I said I had no time constraints.  At 2am, he replied  "I've got a window of time...I want to see her - so when I get off, I'll be in touch." 

Now, let me say....I hadn't slept much the prior 2 days.  I had a long drive that morning, a full day with Bs godfather.....who is a man I utterly ADORE.  We have been best of friends for 10 years and our relationship would take several blog posts to describe the beauty of.  After we put B to bed, he and I stayed up drinking and talking and just enjoying one anothers company.  He's been a critical part of this unfolding situation with Bs father, giving me advice at every step.  We went to bed around midnight.  I could NOT sleep.  I had too much coffee during the day and my heart was pounding.  I was drunk.  My brain was going nonstop.  At that point I'd sent the text to A (her father) and not yet heard back.  Also I was sharing a bed with B and she was beating the snot out of me.  Kicking, punching, grabbing in her sleep.  At one point she actually reached out, grabbed my ear, crumpled it up like a piece of garbage and then smacked me upside the head!!  WTH???  So at 1:15 I finally got up and took something to help me sleep.  His 2am text came just about the time I fell asleep.  I woke up at 4:30 and saw it.  I was ecstatic.  And terrified.  And I couldn't fall back to sleep at all.  I finally got out of bed around 5:30 and got myself ready for the day.  I went through such a myriad of emotions, imagining how this would go.  Pondering how to tell Bianca, anticipating what her emotional needs would be at the end of the day as well as going forward.  I grinned, I cried, I ran the gamut of emotions but mostly felt excited that, after 9 long years, she was about to meet her father for the first time. 

I finished getting ready and then returned to the bedroom where my phone was.  And at 6:25, he texted me again......cancelling our plans.  He claimed that his wife was sick and had to go to the hospital and that he was "so, so sorry".  I think I read it three times to be sure I was seeing it right and then.....I came down the hill of the rolller coaster.  Waaaayyyyy down.  Bianca was downstairs watching tv at that point.  J was in his room reading the paper.  I went in and sat on his bed and showed him the texts.  He comforted me as I cried but then B came upstairs and killed that moment!  I said that I didn't believe he would mss with me like that.  J said he wouldnt give A that kind of credit.  I realized afterwards J thought  meant that I didn't think A was lying about his wife being ill.  So let me be clear....I absolutely believe that is a lie.  I'm sure of it.  What I meant is that I don't believe he would mess with me by saying yes a few hours earlier if he had no intention of following through.  I think he chickened out and I just wish he woud have had the balls to say "I'm not ready, I can't do it."  He and I have made such strides in the past 2 months, having better conversations than we ever had in the history of our realtionship.  This is such a monumental step backwards.  Despite the fact that I believe this excuse to be a lie I replied to A simply "Sorry to hear that, hope everything is ok."

We reluctantly left Js house....it's always so hard to say goodbye.  I was bone weary exhausted between 2 1/2 hours sleep and the emotional ups & downs of the day.  Fortunately, I was able to pass off my tears as sadness about leaving J.  We got on the road and stopped for coffee a bit later.  My brain was definitely going.  I sat at the coffee shop for a bit pondering my next move.  I looked at his wife's facebook page (yes....I spy on them).  She is a fairly regular poster and seems to never miss a chance to share bad news (albeit in one of those vague "ask me more" type of statuses that annoy me so) so I figured if this woman was sick at the hospital, there would be something on her FB page about it.  But there was nothing. Thinking that A must be in turmoil about this (or at least, hoping he was), I decided to give it one more try. I texted him saying "I know you have some things to handle this morning.  It's just tearing me up to see such a perfect opportunity pass. We have nothing else on the agenda today and I can easily delay the drive home to be around later if that would help."  I really was just trying to get into his head and make him flip back again to wanting to see her.  He replied "me too, I'm trying"  Trying what??  I wasn't sure what that meant so I said "I'm not clear what you mean....do you want me to hang around for a bit?"  He said "I think I'm out for today." And that was that.  We went home.  B none the wiser.  Me crushed and disappointed and disgusted. 

So.  I see this as the end of this chapter.  I'm leaving it alone for now.  The door is still open but he will have to be the one to make the next move.  I self medicated last night with wine and ice cream while watching the Walking Dead premier.  Then I thankfully had a great nights sleep for the first time in days.  I believe it will be a while til I hear from him.  I am.....okay.  She and I have made it this far alone.  It will unfold in one way or another and there is nothing I can do to force it.  Still.....my hopes were so high.  It hurts.

Just talking this out......

So I've taken another step forward in the possibility of Bianca meeting her father this weekend.  My plans with my other friend are firm and I reached out to A (her father) to let him know.  At first he didn't respond.  I didn't take that as a good sign.  I gave him a couple days and then followed up with him.  It took him a while to answer me and when he did, it was tentatively positive.  He says he's "ok with it for now" and it anything changes, he will let me know tomorrow.  Maybe I'm being naive but I feel like he is really thinking about it.  There is a lot at stake from several different angles.  He is the one who acknowledged that to me when we saw one another at court.  I didn't have to spell it out to him.  He seemed like he had a firm grasp on the weight of the situation. 

I am trying to ride this line between being prepared for the meeting without getting my hopes up and heart set on it.  I have not told Bianca yet and I won't tell her til we are on our way.  Writing is so good for me.  I was about to talk about all the reasons I have been mulling over in my head about how and when to tell her.  I've been thinking....I won't tell her until the three of us are together. 

I didn't want to put this huge emotional mountain in front of her and get her all worked up knowing that is what's about to happen. 

I wanted to give her a chance to be herself with him and not feel pressured to "perform"....to be extra charming or funny or anything other than what she is.  She does this sometimes....seems to feel like she needs to entertain people.  I didn't want her feeling any of that expectation.

Go ahead and tell me he doesn't deserve it after what he's put her through but I felt like I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a part of that moment.  To see her reaction when she learns who he is.  This is hard on both of us in our own ways and I recognize he's taking some huge steps and making some personal sacrifices if he does follow through and I guess I see it as a "reward" for that?

I wanted to come here and write more about that because I wasn't quite sure if I was navigating my feelings and reasons correctly.  But before I started typing out all those reasons, I realized the real reason.  While these other statements are true.....the most glaring reason is that I simply don't trust him to follow through.  I am afraid he will not show or at the last minute will change his mind, get cold feet or lose his nerve.  Until I see him face to face, I simply do not believe it will happen.  I can't say that fear is unrealistic based on past experience and absolutely a solid reason for Bianca's well being. 

Ready or Not

Holy Crap.  So I have some tentative plans that will put me in the vicinity of B's father next weekend.  I've been sitting on this for a while.  Should I ask him to get together?  He texted me this morning just a general check in greeting and I ended up asking him.  I've been thinking about it for a week & finally put it out there with trepidation.  His reply? "Sure, let me know when you are around"

Wait.  What??  Did he just say "yes"??  Oh.  My.  Gosh.  Am I ready for this?  I am not sure yet but I still felt okay with asking him.  I wanted to put it out there and let him think about it.  I thought, honestly, that would be his response.....that he needed to think about it.  But not a hesitation from him.  Just a Sure.  I told him it was tentative on my end which it really is but, I figured, that gives me an out of I decide I'm not up for it.  Even if I'm there, I can say we didn't end up going. 

Yikes.

Negative

I feel like one big giant ball of negative right now.  I am so unhappy and it feels too overwhelming to find the bright side.  So I'm going to wallow in my sea of negative for a few minutes. 

1. I cannot seem to stay on track with my diet.  I am up, I am down.  I am disgusted with myself.  It should motivate me to stay focused but instead it just makes me want to eat more.

2. My hair is falling out.  Like in giant clumps & handfuls.  Every day.  My hair has always been a bit of a trademark for me and it makes me sick to my stomach to see what it is becoming.  I can see patches of scalp through it and it's a strugle to make it look good.  This is somehow tied into my diet.  When I started dieting a few years ago, my hair loss increased.  Then I went off my diet for about a year and managed to gain 30lbs back but also my hair grew back in.  Then I went back on my diet in May and within 2 weeks, my hair started falling out in droves.  My Dr has theorized all kinds of things.  But there is no test that supports his thoughts.  My thyroid is normal, my blood sugar is stable.  I know that it is stress & hormone related.  My theory is that, when I diet, I am under higher stress.  My cortisol levels go up.  I obsess about every calorie, every daily success or failure.  I obsess about my lack of progress toward my goal.  And at the same time, in the process of dieting, I lose my comfort which is eating.

3. The situation with Bianca's father and my utter lack of control over any aspect of it.  My worry and panic that I'm screwing it all up.  Feeling like no one else really gets where I am with this.  I feel alone.

4. Speaking of alone.....I've not been in a relationship in forever.  I want it but the thought of the work involved in getting into one is too much to handle right now.  Plus being that I am right now fat and balding, I'm not really feeling all that attractive.  Yet still, the other day, I decided maybe I would reactivate my profile on a dating website and just see what happens.  Back in August, I had fraudulent charges on my credit card and had to fight the charges, cancel the card and go through the process of re-establishing everything that I had attached to that card for auto-payment purposes.  That was the day before I went on vacation, it was a total PITA.  One of the fraudulent charges was to this dating website.  I learned yesterday, because of that, I have been banned from their site.

5. One of the things that led me back to that dating site is that my BFF recently met a great guy and, by all accounts, they are developing a relationship.  I feel like she has been really "not there" for me since this started.  I texted her the revelation I came to in my last post about why I freaked out when I called my therapist for an appointment.  She didn't reply and I finally texted her again the next day to ask her if she got my text at all.  She said she did and then she asked me if I'd had any thoughts about why I reacted the way I did when I first called her.  Hello??  That is everything that my text was just about!!!

6. My other BFF has also been a little self absorbed lately and that's fine....he's in the midst of a job change but I feel like he leaves me hanging so often.  There is also this small issue of the fact that he has owed me a large sum of money for many years now.  We discussed it once about 3 years ago and he said he would start paying me back but he never did.  It pisses me off that he has not acknowledged it again and I have no idea what his intention is.  I don't want to bring it up, there never seems to be a "good" time to broach the subject.  As I said, he is in between jobs now so not the right time to bring it up.  When IS a good time??  I confess, this is a very different "BFF" relationship.  You may have picked up on the "he" part of this paragraph.  I relate SO differently to men and women.  I admit, I don't want to "rock the boat" with him.  I am afraid I will upset him by asking for repayment.  I love him as my friend but there is always an underlying feeling tucked away that I could love him in a more romantic capacity.  I always think there is a potential "someday" for us.  If not, I am okay with that.....he is extremely important as my friend and that can be enough.  But I find I just approach him differently in so many ways because he is a HE.

7. Expanding on that thought.....when I need an ear I go to either one of my BFF's but I definitely find I am WAY more apt to open up to HE than to SHE.  I embrace advice from him but I get defensive about advice from her.  I think that has zero to do with them personally.  I think this speaks to my issues with my mother.  I feel like anger has bubbled back up in me lately toward her.  I find she cannot do right by me in my own head.  Everything she says annoys me.  When we talk, I put a huge distance between us and cross my arms.....protective.  I think I feel a sense of defiance when it comes to taking advice from another woman because my mother never had a shred of advice or instruction for me.  I had to figure it out on my own.  I don't know.....I'm not hitting the core of this one.  Something to ponder another day.

8. There is just this general lack of purpose, lack of satisfaction.  I feel rushed all the time.  I feel like I have failed my daughter in big ways that I see concrete evidence of.  I feel like I am not accomplishing anything at home or at work.  And I feel like all I do does not matter.  Who am I really helping?  What am I contributing to this world?  I feel so utterly insignificant.

2 years later.....

Wow, I actually thought maybe it had been longer than 2 years.  I am so on top of this blogging thing.  You know how you stop for a bit and then it's too overwhelming to think about trying to explain all that has happened in the time since you last wrote?  And then you feel like you really need an outlet to write and you remember how cathartic your blogging was but you feel like too much time has gone by and how can you just pick up at present day and who is following your blog anymore and does anyone out there really care anyway??  No?  Just me?  OK then.

Where I'm at today....and I will do my best to go back later and fill in some back story.  For about a month and a half, I've had an opened dialog with Bianca's father.  It's the first time we've spoken in about a year and a half.  The last time we had talked ended in utter disaster and I told him never to speak to me again.  Fast forward til now and I was able to realize some ugly truths about my own contribution to that debacle.  The communication was opened, this time, by me after some soul searching.  It was the best conversation we probably have ever had about Bianca.  Shortly after our conversation, we had to go to court for a support modification.  It was complete coincidence of timing but it put us face to face for the first time in 7 years.  That meeting felt overall positive.  The tone between us has changed for sure. 

He still has not met Bianca.  I have offered it.  I do believe she would be better off to know him  no matter what he does from there.  I don't believe he would do anything purposely harmful or hurtful.  Which certainly is not to say that she doesn't run the risk of tremendous heartbreak.  After 9 years without a father, the pressure of the situation is enormous.  Can he ever repair that or make up for it?  Will he be who she imagined?  Will he be able to step in and make positive contribution to her life?  Will his limited availability for her leave her hurting more than not knowing him at all?  How will it alter the relationship between me and my baby?  She was singing to me this morning, singing along with a song but making up other words to go along with it about how much she loves our life and just the two of us in our own little family and how she doesn't want anything to break that apart. 

You know how it is....you want everything for your children!! I find that I am just so scared of this whole thing.  Will it end up being a "be careful what you wish for" cautionary tale in the end?  Or will it be something I thank God that I did?  Will it help or hurt?  Will it enrich her life or bring her levels of pain that she doesn't have now?  How do I know if I am doing the right thing?  I don't of course and I guess that is why I feel so paralyzed.  I have a really hard time trusting my instinct here for a wide variety of reasons. Take your pick....#1: He hasn't ever been what I would call trustworthy in our past dealings.  I can accept that this was the past but still...... I still feel slightly wary of him.  #2: My judgment when it comes to him has never been great.  #3: My judgment with men, particularly pertaining to father issues, has never been great.  #4: I can't tell how much my issues with my own father are playing into this.  I have done my best to keep them separate and to identify when I think I am blurring the lines.  But still, I KNOW the two are linked in a way that I simply cannot undo.  #5.  This is my BABY.  If it were just me taking my chances on disappointment....I could be a little more careless, throw caution to the wind and be willing to accept the consequences.  I regret SO DEEPLY that my choices to this point have caused Bianca loss and pain.  I cannot bear the thought of making it worse by taking this step and having it crash and burn. 

We are going to be passing by where he lives in less than 2 weeks.  I am tempted to offer that we get together somewhere so they can meet.  I typed out the text and then I could not send it.  I wasn't sure why.  I guess that is when I got flooded with the deluge of "what-ifs".  Then I felt like maybe I needed to check in with my therapist.  I haven't seen her in quite some time which has really been a financial issue more than anything else.  So I called my therapist and when I heard her phone ring, everything inside my body shriveled up and screamed "NO!! Don't do it!!" so I hung up!!  What the HELL was that??  I thought about it for a while, tossed around some ideas and eventually just imagined myself sitting in her office talking and the full weight of all of this hitting me.  I think that, up til now, I've tried to do this with my head....think it through, be intellectual, thoughtful, cautious.  No mistakes.  Yes, I've had emotional moments but then I tuck them aside and remember to keep my head.  Once I get into a therapy session, I know I will have to do it with my heart.  Feel the emotion, the connection to my own past & inner child, face the weight of my choices and, honestly also, face what I was perceiving to be HER potential judgment and JUST as I write this do I realize that I am terrified to face MY OWN judgment when I allow myself to view this from an emotional perspective.  Dammit, THIS is why I blog and should never stop no matter who my audience is or is not.  I learn things by writing that I just can't hit on anywhere else.